In the wild, murdery, no-holds-barred world of Riverdale, there’s no denying that Cheryl Blossom (Madelaine Petsch) has some of the best lines in the entire show. So, we decided to devote this entire article to the best Cheryl Blossom quotes ever uttered, from the sassy and badass to the surprisingly heartfelt.
Below, you’ll find some of our favourite Cheryl lines throughout the past four seasons of Riverdale organized into different categories. Feel free to let us know in the comments if we’ve missed any of your favourites though!
Cheryl Blossom Quotes that Show She Had the Best Nicknames for People
Okay, we’ll start with the best Cheryl lines that showcase her impeccable ability to call people by… well, anything but their actual name.
“Are you living mannequins suggesting I had something to do with my brother’s death?” Season 1, Episode 2 “Chapter Two: A Touch of Evil”
“Butt out, closet monster. You have forfeited your right to take the high and mighty road. As pour moi, Betty, but of course.” Season 1, Episode 2 “Chapter Two: A Touch of Evil”
“Veronica: How would you know, Cheryl?
Cheryl: Because, Frida Shallow, before he died, my brother was co-captain of the football team with Chuck.” Season 1, Episode 3 “Chapter Three: Body Double”
“Riddle me this, hair models of the damned, why is Veronica’s mother having a clandestine tete-a-tete with a Southside Serpent behind a dumpster at Pop’s?” Season 1, Episode 4 “Chapter Four: The Last Picture Show”
“Sorry to interrupt Sad Breakfast Club, but I’m here to formally invite you to Jason’s memorial at Thornhill this weekend.” Season 1, Episode 5 “Chapter Five: Heart of Darkness”
“That was a joke, you hobo. Of course I’ll give her your message, Betty. But no promises that she’ll care or respond.” Season 1, Episode 9 “Chapter Nine: La Grande Illusion”
“Betty: Because why?
Cheryl: Because, Nightmare Smurfette, by all rights, it should’ve been Polly and Jason on that stage being crowned. This is the next best thing. So… Don’t forget to vote, and I’ll see everyone at my coronation!” Season 1, Episode 11 “Chapter Eleven: To Riverdale and Back Again”
“Hands off, Gollum.” Season 1, Episode 11 “Chapter Eleven: To Riverdale and Back Again”
“Humpty and Dumpty. Just in time to meet our newest recruit.” Season 2, Episode 2 “Chapter Fifteen: Nighthawks”
“Hobo. Bride of hobo. Welcome to Thistlehouse. Mother’s in the conservatory. Follow me” Season 2, Episode 2 “Chapter Fifteen: Nighthawks”
“Seeing as you’re such an unrepentant spore, I think I’ll be pressing charges after all.” Season 2, Episode 6 “Chapter Nineteen: Death Proof“
“Out of the way, Bert and Ernie. We got your note, Cretin. This sick game you’re playing with my girl ends now. Some people may be buying the snake oil you’re peddling, but not me.” Season 2, Episode 7 “Chapter Twenty: Tales from the Darkside”
““Ugh! Get a room, Xenomorphs!” Season 2, Episode 8 “Chapter Twenty-One: House of the Devil”
“Team Paul Bunyan. I’d like to purchase your finest tree” Season 2, Episode 9 “Chapter Twenty-Two: Silent Night, Deadly Night”
“Veronica: We encourage every one of you to drink deeply from the cup that is fair Riverdale.
Cheryl: Stand down, Eva Peron.” Season 2, Episode 10 “Chapter Twenty-Three: The Blackboard Jungle”
“Veronica: Serpettes, have either of you seen Jughead? I have a problem that his name scribbled all over it.
Cheryl: You mean True Detective? He’s busy canoodling Nancy Drew no doubt. How can we help?” Season 3, Episode 3 “Chapter Thirty-Eight: As Above, So Below”
“I told him. I told Archie the truth about that staph-infection for a human.” Season 2, Episode 10 “Chapter Twenty-Three: The Blackboard Jungle”
“Need I remind you and the sorry lot of yams you call educators, that I have suffered numerous family deaths. My mother disappeared, I am raising twin toddlers, and I am the sole caregiver for my Nana.” Season 4, Episode 8 “Chapter Sixty-Five: In Treatment”
“You can’t have any of my bodily fluids, you succubus.” Season 4, Episode 8 “Chapter Sixty-Five: In Treatment”
“Brace yourselves, bitches. I just saw our most hated foe, the malefactor Honey, entering his office.” Season 4, Episode 19 “Chapter Seventy-Six: Killing Mr. Honey”
Iconic Cheryl Blossom Clapbacks That Should Be in a Museum Somewhere
Besides savage nicknames, our Red Queen has a bit of a penchant for clapbacks, so here are some of our favourites:
“Kevin: Is cheerleading still a thing?
Cheryl: Is being the gay best friend still a thing?” Season 1, Episode 1 “Chapter One: The River’s Edge”
“Dear God, Betty, is there no memory, however traumatic, you won’t defile?” Season 2, Episode 6 “Chapter Nineteen: Death Proof“
“Toni: That jacket looks good on you.
Cheryl: Everything looks good on me.” Season 2, Episode 22 “Chapter Twenty-Two: Silent Night, Deadly Night”
“You can’t discriminate against someone because they’re better-looking than you.” Season 3, Episode 2 “Chapter Thirty-Seven: Fortune and Men’s Eyes”
“Moose: Blossom, Topaz, break it up.
Cheryl: Bite me, Moose.” Season 3, Episode 9 “Chapter Forty-Four: No Exit”
“I think it’s pretty ridic that you vanish for a month on some vision quest with your bestie, only to return and lecture us about responsibility.” Season 3, Episode 9 “Chapter Forty-Four: No Exit”
“And I’m so sure the alumni newsletter would be thrilled to profile a twice-widowed dominatrix with a proclivity for poison.” Season 3, Episode 12 “Chapter Forty-Seven: Bizarrodale”
“Cheryl: You’re wearing my signature color.
Toni: You don’t own the color red. Red existed before you.
Cheryl: Not at Riverdale High. Here, I invented red. I am red. Sorry, but this school’s not big enough for both of us. Faux-Pink Lady. And I was here first. So go to Centerville High. Or Westerberg. I don’t care. But you have until first bell Monday to clear every trace of yourself out of these halls. Copy?” Season 3, Episode 16 “Chapter Fifty-One: Big Fun”
“Evelyn: Cheryl, what are you doing? Campaigning for prom queen is strictly forbidden.
Cheryl: “Forbidden”? What’s up with that?
Evelyn: The Farm prohibits it because it goes against our strictures of equality. Remember, “The one become many, the many, one”?
Cheryl: Easy for you to say, Evelyn. Aren’t you, like, 30? How many proms have you been to?” Season 3, Episode 20 “Chapter Fifty-Five: Prom Night”
“Evelyn: Sorry to interrupt your game… But this room is reserved for the Farm from 3:00 to 4:00 every Wednesday.
Cheryl: Not every Wednesday, you daughter of Manson.” Season 3, Episode 14 “Chapter Forty-Nine: Fire Walk with Me”
“Ms Burble: So, Cheryl, would you like a Three Buccaneers?
Cheryl: I don’t eat nougat, I don’t take bribes, and I don’t talk to trade-school flunkies about my feelings.” Season 4, Episode 8 “Chapter Sixty-Five: In Treatment”
“Ms Appleyard: As for your muffins, could I suggest a little less time baking, and a little more time in the weight room?
Cheryl: My body is perfection, you crone! And you may be the coach, but I think you’ll find the Vixens are mine, forevermore.” Season 4, Episode 10 “Chapter Sixty-Seven: Varsity Blues”
“Malloy: Actually, little lady, we’re just, uh, checking out the competition. Jinx Malloy of the Malloy family. Maybe you gals have heard of us?
Cheryl: I’m afraid I canceled my subscription to Trucker’s Weekly.” Season 4, Episode 18 “Chapter Seventy-Five: Lynchian”
Cheryl Blossom Moments That Were Absolutely Savage
Of course, some of the best Cheryl lines were also the ones decked out in pure savagery. Here are some of our favourites where Queen Cheryl really didn’t hold anything back.
“Betty: Why are you asking me so many questions about Polly? Cheryl?!
Cheryl: Because, you dumb cow, someone shot my brother and I think it was your crazy tweaked-out sister.” Season 1, Episode 2 “Chapter Two: A Touch of Evil”
“Don’t worry. You may be a stock character from a ’90s teen movie, but I’m not.” Season 1, Episode 4 “Chapter Four: The Last Picture Show”
“So, Ginger texted me while I was in the ladies’ room. It seems that crazy bitch, Polly Cooper, escaped from some looney bin, the same night Jason’s car was torched. So let me do the math for you. Polly escaping plus Polly torching Jason’s car equals she’s Jason’s killer. Covering her tracks, trying to go underground, like the vicious, cold-hearted murdering mean girl that she is. Oh, and I just tweeted this out to all of my minions, so the pressure’s on, Sheriff Keller.” Season 1, Episode 7 “Chapter Seven: In a Lonely Place”
“Come on, girls. You catatonic bimbos didn’t even vote. So you stuttering sapheads are too dim to exercise your own rights, and you’ve got the combined vocabulary of a baked potato. Consider this your last practice as River Vixens, and your last week as my social handmaidens. You’re fired on all fronts. That’s all. Shoo, bitches.” Season 1, Episode 10 “Chapter Ten: The Lost Weekend”
“Betty: Cheryl, we were wondering if maybe the Vixens would help at an event to save Pop’s.
Cheryl: Oh, Betty, I did not emerge from the frozen depths of Sweetwater River nor the flames of Thornhill to allow my Vixens to sling milkshakes at some death-cursed diner. The answer is a double-cherry-on-top no.” Season 2, Episode 2 “Chapter Fifteen: Nighthawks”
“Cheryl: How’s the lake house? Are you all settled-in and spooning yet?
Jughead: Who is this?
Cheryl: It’s Cheryl, you welfare baby.
Jughead: Is something wrong?
Cheryl: Not yet. I just wanna make sure you know that Archie and Betty kissed in front of my house, and that it seemed pretty serious, with-tongues serious. That’s all. Enjoy your couples-only weekend. Kisses to all. Bye.” Season 2, Episode 14, “Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Hills Have Eyes”
“Start packing, Mummy. You and Uncle Claudius are pig-people. And should live amongst the pigs.” Season 2, Episode 18 “Chapter Thirty-One: A Night to Remember”
“Oh. Oh, Betty, I don’t know. I’ve seen your pater sneak around Thistlehouse, and he has all the stealth of a marshmallow man. Wherefore comes this accusation?” Season 2, Episode 20 “Chapter Thirty-Three: Shadow of a Doubt”
“Go crawl back to the freak show from whence you came, you abomination.” Season 2, Episode 14 “Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Hills Have Eyes”
“And suddenly, I am feeling the presence of a rat, a six-foot-tall rat with muscles and bedroom eyes, Darius, I knew you were a mistake from the beginning. So… you’re fired. Toodles.” Season 4, Episode 3
“Chapter Sixty: Dog Day Afternoon”
“Now, would you like me to pack up the rest of Bedford for you in Tupperware?” Season 4, Episode 7 “Chapter Sixty-Four: The Ice Storm”
“You ladies supply anything other than booze? Ew. Get out of my sight! Bye! Honestly, Veronica, what happened to “quality always”? Oh, great, the cast of Swamp Thing just got here.” Season 4, Episode 18 “Chapter Seventy-Five: Lynchian”
Cheryl’s Best Lines Showcasing Her Badassery & Confidence
We all stan a Queen who knows her worth, especially when she’s as badass as Cheryl Blossom. Here are some of our favourite Cheryl Blossom quotes that show off her badass confidence:
“Will this beautiful, exotic, hothouse flower drown under the town’s scrutiny, or be swamped by her emotions? The answer, ladies, is “no” and “no.” Season 1, Episode 2 “Chapter Two: A Touch of Evil”
“You were cruel to me, Mother. It was abuse, plain and simple. So henceforth, if you breathe, it is because I give you air. If you drink, it is because I poured your cup myself. And if you move, it is quietly, and with my blessing. Things are going to be different now, Mommy. Better. You’ll see.” Season 2, Episode 1 “Chapter Fourteen: A Kiss Before Dying”
“Take your male gaze and your male privilege and get out of the women’s locker room!” Season 2, Episode 8 “Chapter Twenty-One: House of the Devil”
“Oh, that’s right. You’re new here. Hi. I’m Cheryl Blossom, a.k.a. Cheryl Bombshell, which means I need no reasons. I simply am. Feel free to tremble.” Season 2, Episode 14 “Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Hills Have Eyes”
“I will not succumb to thespian terrorism and allow myself to be ousted from this production! After the fires I’ve walked through, Kevin, the world needs to see me up on that stage. A Dark Phoenix reborn in the spotlight…” Season 2, Episode 18 “Chapter Thirty-One: A Night to Remember”
“Your depraved gambits are finished. If you so much as pluck one hair from Nana Rose’s little head, I’ll end you. I burned one house down, I’ll happily burn another…” Season 2, Episode 18 “”Chapter Thirty-One: A Night to Remember”
“My Vixens have fallen. My T.T. has fallen. If my gorgon-like mother has any knowledge of how or why that’s happening, we’ll get it out of her.” Season 3, Episode 8 “Chapter Forty-Three: Outbreak”
“Betty was being a gnat as usual, T.T. And I’m afraid I don’t have any patience for it.” Season 3, Episode 11 “Chapter Forty-Six: The Red Dahlia”
“You dare lecture me, your Student Council President on rules and procedures? If this were the 18th century, I’d have you beheaded.” Season 3, Episode 14 “Chapter Forty-Nine: Fire Walk with Me”
“What’s going on with you, T.T.? Has my beauty rendered you silent?” Season 3, Episode 14 “Chapter Forty-Nine: Fire Walk with Me”
“I need to focus my rage, therefore this year’s musical is Heathers. You’re directing, I’m playing HBIC Heather Chandler. Any questions? I thought not. Okay, bye.” Season 3, Episode 15 “Chapter Fifty: American Dreams”
“Do you think these Louboutins are too flashy for kombucha brewing?” Season 3, Episode 18 “Chapter Fifty-Three: Jawbreaker”
“Sorry to interrupt your no doubt thrilling catch-up, chums, but, as you know, junior prom is this weekend. The theme is Fire and Ice, and, naturally, Toni and I are campaigning to be the most captivating prom queens this school’s ever seen. So it goes without saying, vote Choni for co-monarchs because, when you really think about it, no other options make sense.” Season 3, Episode 20 “Chapter Fifty-Five: Prom Night”
“Your name may be Honey, but I will always be the queen bee. You have no power over me.” Season 4, Episode 2 “Chapter Fifty-Nine: Fast Times at Riverdale High”
“Students of Riverdale, we have a new enemy in our midst. This killjoy is our new principal, Mr. Honey. However, never fear. I, as your student body president, will make sure that he is beheaded by Homecoming, or my name isn’t Cheryl Marjorie Blossom.” Season 4, Episode 2 “Chapter Fifty-Nine: Fast Times at Riverdale High”
“So, wherefore are we rattling sabers today, Principal Honey?” Season 4, Episode 8 “Chapter Sixty-Five: In Treatment”
“Ms. Burble: You know, Cheryl, the only way you’re gonna get what you want, your Vixens back, is if you talk to me… about you.
Cheryl: Okay, then. I have a rapturous girlfriend, total independence, a 4.0, and amazing hair. Are we done?” Season 4, Episode 8 “Chapter Sixty-Five: In Treatment”
“Please. I have felled multiple villains with my bow over the years. I’m not afraid of some sad AV pervert with a camcorder older than your blazer.” Season 4, Episode 8 “Chapter Sixty-Five: In Treatment”
“I’m sorry, am I hallucinating, or did you just give me an order? I led my last team to nationals three years in a row. I think I know what I’m doing here.” Season 4, Episode 10 “Chapter Sixty-Seven: Varsity Blues”
“Listen up, bitches. Appleyard is… indisposed, so consider this a coup. And before any of you reptiles object, a word to the wise, you owe me this. I’ve been your fellow Vixen and HBIC for four grueling years, and I’ve never turned my back on you. Not like you did to me. Fact. Now, without further ado, let’s cheer our Bulldog brethren on to victory, and slay.” Season 4, Episode 10 “Chapter Sixty-Seven: Varsity Blues”
Iconic Cheryl Blossom Quotes that Show Her Soft Side
Cheryl does of course have a soft side that we see from time to time… even if it’s still wrapped up with Cheryl’s signature sass and tone. Here are some of our favourite Cheryl lines that hint at this softer side!
“Jughead. I’m sorry. I had no right to pummel you the way I did that day. As recompense, I’d like to give you this. My iconic spider brooch. It’ll catch a pretty penny at the local pawn shop. Enough to keep you in burgers and “S” T-shirts for years, if not decades.” Season 1, Episode 13 “Chapter Thirteen: The Sweet Hereafter”
“You gave me the kiss of life, Archie Andrews. Now I’ve given it to your dad. He’s going to be just fine. Toodles” Season 2, Episode 1 “Chapter Fourteen: A Kiss Before Dying”
“Everyone thinks I’m this loveless monster. But it isn’t true. I loved someone… who loved me. And my mother destroyed it.” Season 2, Episode 14 “Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Hills Have Eyes”
“I’m cuckoo bananas for you, obvi. Won’t you move in?” Season 3, Episode 8 “Chapter Forty-Three: Outbreak”
“Well, someone looks like they could use an epaulette to cry on. I’m not trying to carb-shame you, Kevin, but, whatever’s on your mind, it’s not worth it. So, put down the Swizzler and tell me your tale of woe.” Season 3, Episode 12 “Chapter Forty-Seven: Bizarrodale”
“No. It’s not your fault, Kevin. Your aesthetic may be firmly rooted in the 1950s, but you’re a catch in any decade.” Season 3, Episode 12 “Chapter Forty-Seven: Bizarrodale”
“We all know you and Jughead were Riverdale High’s Hamlet and Ophelia. And I know what it’s like to lose your other half. The despairing thoughts can flood without warning. Don’t let them drown you.” Season 4, Episode 15 “Chapter Seventy-Two: To Die For”
… And Lastly, Moments When Cheryl Blossom Just Said What Needed to be Said
The following Cheryl Blossom quotes don’t really fall into any particular category, but they’re just truly excellent lines that deserve a spot on our list. Enjoy!
“So, what are you three hens gossiping about? Archie’s Efron-esque emergence from the chrysalis of puberty?” Season 1, Episode 1 “Chapter One: The River’s Edge”
“Check your sell-by date, ladies. Faux lesbian kissing hasn’t been taboo since 1994.” Season 1, Episode 1 “Chapter One: The River’s Edge”
“I’m in the mood for chaos.” Season 1, Episode 1 “Chapter One: The River’s Edge”
“Mr. Andrews! Nice haircut. You’re looking extremely DILF-y today.” Season 1, Episode 9 “Chapter Nine: La Grande Illusion”
“Okay. That’s all. I’m going now. My claustrophobia acts up in small houses. See you tomorrow.” Season 1, Episode 9 “Chapter Nine: La Grande Illusion”
“Oh, my God, color me shocked, Archie Andrews. Is that why you became a mediocre musician overnight? Because you and Ms. Foureyes were pulling a Mary Kay Letourneau?” Season 1, Episode 10 “Chapter Ten: The Lost Weekend”
“I cannot believe you went on a date with Chuck last night. Taking a few art classes does not a saint make.” Season 2, Episode 7 “Chapter Twenty: Tales from the Darkside”
“Playing a car dealership opening is barely a step above amateur porn” Season 2, Episode 8 “Chapter Twenty-One: House of the Devil”
“Satisfied, you vultures? Your reindeer games are over. Now get the hell out.” Season 2, Episode 9 “Chapter Twenty-Two: Silent Night, Deadly Night”
“Luxury and weekend. Two of my favorite words. So, where are we going and how extravagant a wardrobe should I pack?” Season 2, Episode 14 “Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Hills Have Eyes”
“Betty: Chic is probably out there, with a bullet in his forehead or…
Cheryl: Or he got away, and he’s on a train back to Transylvania.” Season 2, Episode 20 “Chapter Twenty: Tales from the Darkside”
“Please, I have eyes. I saw you lounging together at my pool party, looking like a community theater production of The Talented Mr. Ripley. The Koose ship’s been trouble from the gay get-go. Maybe it’s time you move on.” Season 3, Episode 12 “Chapter Forty-Seven: Bizarrodale”
“Betty: What’s he like?
Cheryl: Younger than I thought. Also, count him among the Hot Dads of Riverdale, because Mr. Evernever is a yummy snack. He’s also a great listener.” Season 3, Episode 17 “Chapter Fifty-Two: The Raid”
“For all I care, change the theme, make everyone wear chainmail and corsets. Turn the photo booth into a pillory. Hand out turkey legs. What does it matter if I’m not gonna be queen?” Season 3, Episode 20 “Chapter Fifty-Five: Prom Night”
“Kevin, Fangs. Save those eyes for the bedroom, boys. We’re getting out of this house of the devil.” Season 3, Episode 22 “Chapter Fifty-Seven: Survive the Night”
“Cheryl: I’m sorry I called Jughead a hobo that one time.
Alice: Is—is that it?
Cheryl: [pause] I’m really sorry I called Jughead a hobo that one time.” Season 4, Episode 15 “Chapter Seventy-Two: To Die For”
“Oh, grief, you wicked, heartless aphrodisiac. Destroyer of endgames and worlds.” Season 4, Episode 15 “Chapter Seventy-Two: To Die For”
BONUS: Quotes About Cheryl Blossom
As fans know, sometimes Riverdale can be meta, so it’s unsurprising that there are some quotes from other characters too that perfectly capture the essence of Cheryl Bombshell. Here are a few:
“Veronica: Oh, my God, Cheryl Bombshell for the win.” Season 2, Episode 6 “Chapter Nineteen: Death Proof“
“Toni: Cheryl, I am so sorry. But you have to know your mother’s wrong. You’re not loveless. You’re not deviant, okay? You’re sensational.” Season 2, Episode 14, “Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Hills Have Eyes”
“Toni: Please. If Cheryl was in the Swiss Alps, she’d be posting parka selfies every hour, but her social media’s been dead for days.” Season 2, Episode 14, “Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Hills Have Eyes”
Did we miss any of your favourite quotes from Cheryl Blossom?
Let us know in the comments which ones we need to add! Toodles!