The 100+ Best Funny Lord of the Rings Quotes & Lines

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The Lord of the Rings trilogy (both as books and films) is not really known for being a comedy, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of funny LOTR moments and lines to look back on.

Many fans will always remember hearing “Fool of a Took!” for the first time, then trying it out in real life; or extolling the virtues of second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner and supper.

The banter between the iconic duos of Merry and Pippin, Sam and Frodo, and Legolas and Gimli often mark the best, most light-hearted moments in a series that deals with rather dark themes.

And if you want to enjoy the jokes without the tears (no judgment, I cry every time I re-watch the films too) then you’re in luck because we’ve rounded up all the best funny jokes and quotes from Lord of the Rings here today!

Grab yourself some second breakfast or a pipe of the finest pipe leaf in South Farthing and get ready to chuckle at all the best funny Lord of the Rings quotes from all the films.

Note: We’ve used the extended versions of the films for this post, if you see some lines you don’t remember seeing at the cinema, that’s why!


Want more Lord of the Rings quotes? Check these out:

The Best Funny Quotes from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

The first film in the trilogy will always hold a special place in our hearts for introducing us to the beloved characters, as well as the many funny lines and jokes. Merry and Pippin provide a lot of comic relief throughout the films, but they’re not the only ones. These are our favorite funny lines from the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.


Frodo: You’re late.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.”

Frodo: Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of.
Gandalf: Indeed?
Frodo: Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.
Gandalf: If you’re referring to the incident with the dragon, I was barely involved. All I did was give your uncle a little nudge out of the door.
Frodo: Whatever you did, you’ve been officially labeled a disturber of the peace.”

Bilbo: Mrs Bracegirdle, how nice to see you. Welcome welcome. Are all these children yours?
Mrs. Bracegirdle: Yeah.
Bilbo: Good gracious, you have been productive.” 

Gandalf: Frodo suspects something.
Bilbo: Of course he does, he’s a Baggins, not some blockheaded Bracegirdle from Hardbottle.”

“[about the firework] Merry: You were supposed to stick it in the ground!
Pippin: It is in the ground!
Pippin: This was your idea!”

Bilbo: [to his party guests] I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”

Gandalf: Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee. Have you been eavesdropping?
Sam: I ain’t been droppin’ no eaves sir, honest. I was just cutting the grass under the window there, if you’ll follow me.
Gandalf: A little late for trimming the verge, don’t you think?
Sam: I heard raised voices.
Gandalf: What did you hear? Speak.
Sam: N-nothing important. That is, I heard a good deal about a ring, and a Dark Lord, and something about the end of the world, but… please, Mr. Gandalf, sir, don’t hurt me. Don’t turn me into anything… unnatural.” 

Merry: I don’t get why he’s so upset! It’s just a couple of carrots!
Pippin: And some cabbages. And there was that sack of potatoes we lifted last week. And the mushrooms from the week before.
Merry: Yes, Pippin! My point is, he’s clearly overreacting. Run!”

“[Merry appears with a large jug of ale] 
Pippin: What’s that?
Merry: This, my friend, is a pint.
Pippin: It comes in pints? [Merry confirms while drinking] Pippin: I’m getting one.”

“Saruman: [to Gandalf] Your love of the Halfings’ leaf has clearly slowed your mind.”

Boromir: And what would a Ranger know of this matter?
Legolas: This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.
Boromir: Aragorn? This is Isildur’s heir?
Legolas: And heir to the throne of Gondor.
Aragorn: [in Elvish] Sit down, Legolas.”

“[Sam jumps from his hiding place] 
Sam: Hey! Mr. Frodo’s not going anywhere without me!
Elrond: No, indeed. It is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not.”

Pippin: [to Elrond] Anyways, you need people of intelligence on this sort of… mission… quest… thing.
Merry: Well, that rules you out, Pip.”

Elrond: Nine companions. So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.
Pippin: Great! Where are we going?”

[the Fellowship exits Rivendell, with Frodo in front] 
Frodo: Mordor, Gandalf, is it left or right?
Gandalf: Left.”

Aragorn: Gentlemen, we do not stop ’til nightfall.
Pippin: What about breakfast?
Aragorn: You’ve already had it.
Pippin: We’ve had one, yes. What about second breakfast? [Aragorn turns and walks away] 
Merry: I don’t think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.
Pippin: What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn’t he?
Merry: I wouldn’t count on it.”

“Gimli: If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I note they’re not, I’d say we were taking the long way around.”

Gimli: Dwarf doors are invisible when closed.
Gandalf: Yes, Gimli, their own masters cannot find them, if their secrets are forgotten.
Legolas: Why doesn’t that surprise me?”

Pippin: Are we lost?
Merry: No.
Pippin: I think we are.
Merry: Shh. Gandalf’s thinkin’.
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: What?
Pippin: I’m hungry.”

Gandalf: [pointing to a tunnel] There!
Merry: He remembered!
Gandalf: No, but the air doesn’t smell so foul here. If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose.”

Gandalf: [to Pippin]  Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity.”

“[Aragorn tosses Sam over a gap, and then sets his eyes on Gimli] 
Gimli: Nobody tosses a Dwarf. [Gimli leaps, but is balancing off the edge, so Legolas grabs his beard] Not the beard!”

Gimli: Well, here’s one dwarf she won’t ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox. [Elves suddenly appear, covering them with arrows at point-blank range. Gimli looks very surprised] 
Haldir: The dwarf breathes so loud, we could have shot him in the dark.”

Galadriel: For you, Samwise Gamgee, Elven rope, made of hithline.
Sam: Thank You M’Lady… Have you ran out of those nice shiny daggers?”

Legolas: Lembas! [nibbles a corner] One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man!
Merry: [to Pippin] How many did you eat?
Pippin: Four. [burps]”

“[after getting the Uruk-Hai to chase them instead of Frodo]
Pippin: [happily] It’s working!
Merry: I know it’s working. Run!!

Frodo: I’m going to Mordor alone!
Sam: ‘Course you are! And I’m coming with you!”

The Best Funny Quotes from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The story starts to get more serious in the Two Towers, as the reality of all they are facing particularly impacts Sam and Frodo. Luckily there are still plenty of funny lines and quotes to make us chuckle. Here are the best funny lines from the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.


Gimli: [out of breath] I’m wasted on cross-country! We dwarves are natural sprinters, very dangerous over short distances.”

Gimli: [exhausted from running] Keep breathing. That’s the key. Breathe.”

Treebeard: Little orcs! Grruhhm.
Pippin: It’s talking, Merry. The tree is talking.
Treebeard: Tree?! I am no tree! I am an Ent.
Merry: A tree-herder! A shepherd of the forest.
Pippin: Don’t talk to it Merry. Don’t encourage it.” 

“[sounds of trees ‘speaking’ is heard] 
Aragorn: Gimli, lower your axe.
Legolas: They have feelings, my friend. The elves began it, waking up the trees, teaching them to speak.
Gimli: Talking trees. What do trees have to talk about, hmm… except the consistency of squirrel droppings?”

Pippin: Merry?
Merry: What, Pip?
Pippin: I’m hungry.”

Gimli: It’s true you don’t see many Dwarf-women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance, that they are often mistaken for Dwarf-men.
Aragorn: [whispering to Eowyn] It’s the beards.
Gimli: And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no Dwarf-women, and that Dwarves just spring out of holes in the ground! [Eowyn laughs] Which is, of course, ridiculous.” 

Gimli: [to a Warg] Bring your pretty face to my axe!
[Legolas rides by and shoots it]
Gimli: That one counts as mine!”

Legolas: [in Elvish] You’re late. [takes a good look at Aragorn][in English] You look terrible.” 

Frodo: What food have we got left?
Sam: Well, let me see. Oh, yes, lovely, lembas bread. And look, more lembas bread!”

Smeagol: Master is my friend.
Gollum: You don’t have any friends; nobody likes you!
Smeagol: [closes his ears with his hands] I’m not listening… I’m not listening…

Gimli: Whatever luck you live by… let’s hope it lasts the night.
Legolas: Your friends are with you, Aragorn.
Gimli: Let’s hope they last the night…”

Sam: What we need is a few good taters.
Gollum: What’s taters, precious? What’s taters, eh?
Sam: Po-tay-toes! Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew… Lovely big golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish. Even you couldn’t say no to that.
Gollum: Oh yes we could. Spoilin’ nice fish. Give it to us raw and w-r-r-riggling; you keep nasty chips.

Gollum: [to Sam] Stupid, fat hobbit.”

Gimli: [failing to see over the wall] What’s happening out there?
Legolas: Shall I describe it to you?
Gimli: [turns] Hmm?
Legolas: Or would you like me to find you a box? [Gimli laughs]”

Gimli: Legolas! Two already!
Legolas: I’m on seventeen!
Gimli: Huh? I’ll have no pointy-ear outscoring me! [kills another one]
Legolas: [shoots two more arrows] Nineteen!” 

Gimli: Oh come on, we can take ’em.
Aragorn: It’s a long way.
Gimli: Toss me.
Aragorn: What?
Gimli: I cannot jump the distance, you’ll have to toss me. [pauses, looks up at Aragorn] Don’t tell the Elf.”

Legolas: Final count, forty-two.
Gimli: Forty-two? Oh, that’s not bad for a pointy-eared elvish princeling. Hmph! I myself am sitting pretty on forty-THREE.
Legolas: [takes out an arrow, and shoots the Uruk Gimli is sitting on in the stomach] Forty-three.
Gimli: He was already dead!
Legolas: He was twitching.
Gimli: He was twitching because he’s got my axe EMBEDDED IN HIS NERVOUS SYSTEM!” 

Frodo: We are Hobbits of the Shire. Frodo Baggins is my name and this is Samwise Gamgee.
Faramir: Your bodyguard?
Sam: His gardener.” 

Frodo: What’s in this?
Sam: Nothin’. Just a bit of seasoning. I thought maybe if we was havin’ a roast chicken one night or something…
Frodo: Roast chicken?
Sam: You never know.”

Pippin: Wait! Stop! Stop! Turn around. Turn around. Take us south.
Treebeard: South? But that would lead you past Isengard.
Pippin: Yes. Exactly. If we go south, we can slip past Saruman unnoticed. The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. It’s the last thing he’ll expect.
Treebeard: That doesn’t make sense to me. But then, you are very small. Perhaps you’re right. South it is, then. Hold on, little Shirelings. I always like going south. Somehow it feels like going downhill.”

“[after the sack of Isengard they find Saruman’s storeroom]
Pippin: I don’t believe it.
Merry: It can’t be.
Pippin: It is!
Merry: Longbottom leaf! [smells it] The finest pipe-weed in South Farthing.
Pippin: It’s perfect. One barrel each. Wait. Do you think we should share it with Treebeard?
Merry: Share it? [thinks] No. No. Dead plant and all that. Don’t think he’d understand. Could be a distant relative.”

The Best Funny Quotes from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

The third film of the trilogy was probably the most serious, but still managed to give us some light-hearted moments, usually in the banter between Legolas and Gimli. These are the funniest lines from the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.


Pippin: I feel like I’m back at the Green Dragon.
Merry: [through a mouthful of food] Mm. Green Dragon.
Pippin: A mug of ale in my hand, putting my feet up on a settle after a hard day’s work.
Merry: Only, you’ve never done a hard day’s work.”

Merry: Welcome, my lords, to Isengard!
Gimli: You young rascals! A merry hunt you’ve led us on, and now we find you… feasting and… and smoking.
Pippin: We are sitting on a field of victory enjoying a few well-earned comforts [Merry blows a smoke ring] The salted pork is particularly good.
Gimli: [eagerly] Salted pork?
Gandalf: [exasperated] Hobbits.”

“[in a drinking game] 
Gimli: It’s the Dwarves that go swimming with little, hairy woman. [he burps] 
Legolas: I feel something. A slight tingle in my fingers. I think it’s affecting me.
Gimli: What did I say? He can’t hold his liquor. [Gimli passes out] 
Legolas: [to Eomer who is watching] Game over.” 

Merry: Why did you look? Why do you always have to look?
Pippin: I don’t know. I can’t help it.
Merry: You never can.”

Sam: What are you up to? Sneaking off, are we?
Gollum: Sneaking? Sneaking? Fat Hobbit is always so polite. Smeagol shows them secret ways that nobody else could find, and they say “sneak!” Sneak? Very nice friend. Oh, yes, my precious. Very nice, very nice.
Sam: All right, all right! You just startled me is all. What were you doing?
Gollum: Sneaking.”

“[about Merry] Eomer: You should not encourage him.
Eowyn: You should not doubt him.
Eomer: I do not doubt his heart, only the reach of his arm.”

Gimli: Where do you think you’re going?
Aragorn: Not this time, Gimli. This time you must stay.
[Legolas walks up to them, leading his horse] Legolas: Have you learned nothing of the stubbornness of Dwarves?
Gimli: You may as well accept it. We’re going with you, laddie.”

Gimli: Well, this is a thing unheard of. An elf would go underground, where a dwarf dare not. Oh, I’d never hear the end of it.”

Gandalf: [to Pippin] Now, listen carefully. Lord Denethor is Boromir’s father. To give him news of his beloved son’s death would be most unwise. And do not mention Frodo, or the Ring. And say nothing of Aragorn either. In fact, it’s better if you don’t speak at all, Peregrin Took.” 

Gollum: She’s always hungry. She always needs to feed. She must eat. All she gets is nasty Orcses.
Smeagol: And they doesn’t taste very nice, does they, Precious?
Gollum: No. Not very nice at all, my love.”

Smeagol: …and take it for ME.
Gollum: For us.
Smeagol: Yes, we… we meant for us.”

Aragorn: Legolas, fire a warning shot past the bosun’s ear.
Gimli: Mind your aim! [Legolas aims; Gimli knocks the bow as he shoots and the arrow kills the bosun] Oh! That’s it, right! We warned you! Prepare to be boarded! 

“[after Legolas single-handedly takes out an Oliphant and its drivers] Gimli: That still only counts as one!”

Gimli: Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?” 

The Mouth of Sauron: And who is this? Isildur’s heir? It takes more to make a King than a broken Elvish blade… [Aragorn cuts off the Mouth of Sauron’s head with one stroke of Anduril] 
Gimli: I guess that concludes negotiations.” 

Bonus: The Best Funny Quotes from the Hobbit Trilogy

With the release of the Hobbit film trilogy, starting in 2012, we were treated to even more of the humor of hobbits, dwarves and wizards! These are our favorite funny lines from the three Hobbit movies.


Frodo: They all say they’re coming. Except for the Sackville-Bagginses, who are demanding you ask them in person.
Bilbo: Are they, indeed? Over my dead body.
Frodo: They’d probably find that quite agreeable. They seem to think you have tunnels overflowing with gold.
Bilbo: It was one small chest, hardly overflowing. And it still smells of troll.” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Bilbo Baggins: Good morning.
Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning? Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be a good on? Hm?
Bilbo Baggins: All of them at once, I suppose.” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Gandalf: I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means me.” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Gandalf: Well that’s decided. It will be very good for you. And most amusing for me. I shall inform the others.
Bilbo: Inform the – what? No. No. No – wait, we do not want any adventures here, thank you – not today, no, I suggest you try over the hill or across the water. Good morning.” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Bilbo: [as four dwarves start rearranging his kitchen, his doorbell rings again] Oh no. No. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’re far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If this is some cluthead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in VERY poor taste!” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Balin: Ohhh! Evening, brother.
Dwalin: By my beard, you’re shorter and wider than last time we met.
Balin: Wider, not shorter. But sharp enough for the both of us.” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Bilbo: [annoyed] Bebother and confusticate these dwarves!
Gandalf: My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter?
Bilbo: What’s the matter? I am surrounded by dwarves! What are they doing here?
Gandalf: Oh, they’re quite a merry gathering, once you get used to them.
Bilbo: I don’t want to get used to them! The state of my kitchen! There’s mud trod into the carpet! They’ve pillaged the pantry. I’m not even gonna tell you what they’ve done in the bathroom. They’ve all but destroyed the plumbing! I don’t understand what they’re doing in my house!” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Bilbo Baggins: [Grabbing a doily from Nori] Excuse me, that is a doily, not a dishcloth.
Bofur: But it’s full of holes!
Bilbo Baggins: It’s supposed to look like that, it’s crochet.
Bofur: Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you’ve got the balls for it.” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Balin: It’s just the usual; summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth.
Bilbo Baggins: Funeral arrangements? [reads contract] Oh, up to but not exceeding one fourteenth total profit if any. Seems fair. Present company shall not be liable for injuries including but not limited to laceration, evisceration… incineration?
Bofur: Oh, aye. He’ll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye.
Balin: You all right, laddie?
Bilbo Baggins: Yeah, I’ll be. Feel a bit faint.
Bofur: Think furnace, with wings.
Bilbo Baggins : Yeah, I-I-I need air…
Bofur: Flash of light, searing pain, then poof, you’re nothing more than a pile of ash.
Bilbo Baggins: [long pause] Nope. [faints] 
Gandalf: Very helpful, Bofur.” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Gandalf: The world is not in your books and maps. It’s out there.
Bilbo Baggins: I can’t just go running off into the blue! I am a Baggins of Bag End!
Gandalf: You are also a Took. Did you know that your Great-Great-Great-Great Uncle Bullroarer Took was so large he could ride a real horse?
Bilbo Baggins: Yes.
Gandalf: Well he could! In the Battle of Greenfields, he charged the Goblin ranks. He swung his club so hard it knocked the Goblin King’s head clean off and it sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole. And thus the battle was won and the game of golf invented at the same time.
Bilbo Baggins: I do believe you made that up.
Gandalf: Well, all good stories deserve embellishment.” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Hobbit: You! Mr. Bilbo, where’re you off to?
Bilbo Baggins: I’m already late.
Hobbit: Late for what?
Bilbo Baggins: I’m going on an adventure!” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Bilbo Baggins: Uh – wait, wait. Stop! Stop! We have to turn around.
Gandalf: What on earth is the matter?
Bilbo Baggins: I forgot my handkerchief.” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Dori: Mr. Gandalf, can’t you do something about this deluge?
Gandalf: It is raining, Master dwarf, and it will continue to rain until the rain is done. If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard.” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Saruman: Radagast? Do not speak to me of Radagast the Brown. He is a foolish fellow.
Gandalf: Well, he’s odd, I’ll grant you. He lives a solitary life…
Saruman: It’s not that. It’s his excessive consumption of mushrooms! They’ve addled his brain and yellowed his teeth!” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

“[Lord Elrond arrives at Rivendell. He greets the Dwarves, speaking in Elvish] 
Gloin: What does he say? Does he offer us insult?
Gandalf: No, Master Gloin, he’s offering you food. [the Dwarves quickly have a quiet discussion amongst themselves] 
Gloin: Very well then. Lead on!”

“[in Rivendell]
Dori: [regarding a piece of lettuce] Try it. Just a mouthful.
Ori: I don’t like green food.
Dwalin: Where’s the meat?
Ori: Have they got any chips?”

Bilbo: [to the trolls, about cooking the dwarves] Well, I mean, have you smelled them? You’re going to need something a lot stronger than sage before you can plate this lot up!” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Bilbo Baggins: [Bilbo interrupts as Tom the troll is about to eat Bombur] Uh… no, no, not… not that one, he… he’s infected!
William Troll: [taken aback] You what?
Bilbo Baggins: Yes, he’s got worms in his… tubes.
Tom Troll: Ooh! [Tom throws down Bombur in disgust] 
Bilbo Baggins: In-in fact, they all have. They’re infested with parasites, it’s a terrible business, I wouldn’t risk it, I really wouldn’t.
Oin: Parasites? Did he say parasites?
Kili: Yeah, we don’t have parasites! [to Bilbo] You have parasites!
[Thorin realizes that Bilbo is trying to buy them time and kicks Kili, and the dwarves realize what Bilbo is doing] 
Oin: I’ve got parasites as big as my arm!
Kili: Mine are the biggest parasites, I’ve got huge parasites!
Nori: We’re riddled!
Ori: Yes, I’m riddled!
Dori: Yes, we are, badly!” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Thorin Oakenshield: Where did you go, if I may ask?
Gandalf: To look ahead.
Thorin Oakenshield: And what brought you back?
Gandalf: Looking behind.” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Gollum: Is he lost?
Bilbo Baggins: Yes, yes, and I want to get unlost… as soon as possible!
Gollum: Oh! We knows! We knows safe paths for hobbitses! Safe paths in the dark… SHUT UP!
Bilbo Baggins: I didn’t say anything…
Gollum: Wasn’t talking to you!” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Bilbo Baggins: Why don’t we have a game of riddles… Just, just you and me.
Gollum: [comes towards Bilbo; as Friendly Gollum] Just… Just us?
Bilbo Baggins: Yes… Yes! And if I win, you…[gestures] …You show me the way out, yes?
Gollum: [nods] Yes, Yes… [Gollum’s pupils narrow as he becomes Treacherous Gollum. He growls as he back into the shadows; sinister whisper]
Treacherous Gollum: And if it loses… what then?
Friendly Gollum: Well… if it loses, Precious, then we EATS it! [Gollum giggles sinisterly; then he turns to Bilbo] And if Baggins loses, then we eats it whole.” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Bofur: [after falling] Well, that could have been worse…
[Great Goblin falls on the dwarves] 
Dwalin : Oh, you’ve got to be joking!” The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Legolas: [Looking at two pictures in a locket that he has confiscated from Gloin. The picture on the left has a long thick beard] Who is this? Your brother?
Gloin: That is my wife!
Legolas: [Looking at the infant in the other picture] And who is this horrid creature? A goblin mutant?
Gloin: That is my wee lad, Gimli!” The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Kili: Aren’t you going to search me? I could have anything down my trousers.
Tauriel: Or nothing.” The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Legolas: [In Elvish, speaking about Kíli] Why does the Dwarf stare at you, Tauriel?
Tauriel: [In Elvish] Who can say? He’s quite tall for a Dwarf. Do you not think?
Legolas: [In Elvish] Taller than some…[pause] but no less ugly.” The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Dwalin: [on Bard] I don’t care what he calls himself, I don’t like him.
Balin: We do not have to like him, we simply have to pay him!” The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Balin: [to Thorin] We’ll get this started in a jiffy!
Dwalin: [seeing Smaug breaking through the iron framework to the boiler room] We don’t have a jiffy!” The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Bard: What news from the night watch?
Alfrid: All quiet, sir. Nothing escapes me.
Bard: Except an army of Elves, it would seem.” The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Thranduil: If I am not mistaken, this is the Halfing who stole the keys to my dungeon right from under the nose of my guards.
Bilbo Baggins: Yesh. Sorry about that.” The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Bilbo Baggins: Stop! Stop! There’s been a mistake!
Lobelia Sackville-Baggins: Who are you?
Bilbo Baggins: What do you mean, who am I? You know perfectly well who I am, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. This is my home! And those are my spoons. Thank you very much.” The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Double Bonus(!): The Funniest Lord of the Rings Quotes from the Books

Many of the best quotes from the books actually made into the films, as even Tolkien did occasionally pen a humorous line. Here are the best funny Lord of the Rings book quotes that didn’t make it into the movie versions, or at least, not exactly as they were originally written.


“I shall have to go. But-” and here Frodo looked hard at Sam- “if you really care about me, you will have to keep that DEAD secret. See? If you don’t, if you even breathe a word of what you’ve heard here, then I hope Gandalf will turn you into a spotted toad and fill the garden full of grass snakes.” The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

“Get up, Sam!” Said Gandalf. “I have thought of something better than that. Something to keep you quiet, and punish you properly for listening. You shall go away with Mr. Frodo!”
“Me, sir!” cried Sam, springing up like a dog invited for a walk. “Me go and see Elves and all! Hooray!” he shouted, and then burst into tears.” The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Frodo: Short cuts make delays, but inns make longer ones.” The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

″‘And it is also said,’ answered Frodo: ‘Go not to the Elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.‘” The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

“Yes, they are elves,” Legolas said. “and they say that you breathe so loud they could shoot you in the dark.” The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

″‘Stew the rabbits!’ squealed Gollum in dismay. ‘Spoil beautiful meat Smeagol saved for you, poor hungry Smeagol!‘” The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

“Yes, perhaps, yes’ said Gollum. ‘Sméagol always helps, if they asks – if they asks nicely.’
”Right!’ says Sam. ‘I does ask. And if that isn’t nice enough, I begs.” The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Sam: Where there’s life there’s hope, and need of vittles.” The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Gimli: You are a Wood-elf, anyway, though Elves of any kind are strange folk. Yet you comfort me. Where you go, I will go. But keep your bow ready to hand, and I will keep my axe loose in my belt. Not for use on trees,” he added hastily, looking up at the tree under which they stood.” The Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers

Gandalf: I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to.” The Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers

Did We Miss Any of Your Favourite Funny Lord of the Rings Quotes?

Let us know in the comments below!

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Kristy Brandt

Originally from Tasmania, Australia, Kristy was living in London when she unexpectedly met a Dutch bloke and ended up moving to the Netherlands to be with him. Now she can be found taking numerous photos of their four weird cats, eating lots of stroopwafels and blogging at Tassie Devil Abroad.

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