Whether you’re a die-hard book only stan, a lover of the films who never read the books or a total Potterhead who embraces both mediums, there’s one universal truth – the Harry Potter series provides a LOT of laughs!
Even today, ten years since the final film release and fourteen since the final book release (whaaat?!) Harry Potter quotes remain a staple in pop culture. While we have the Fantastic Beasts franchise to keep the magic alive, there’s really nothing like the original series, about boy wizard Harry, his friends and the battle against evil.
We’ve taken the time to collate all the best funny lines from all the films (and books) here today, to give you the ultimate list of hilarious quotable moments from the Harry Potter series – whether you’re looking for the perfect saying to make a witty birthday card for your Potter-obsessed pal, or just want an iconic moment to make a new meme.
If you’re reading this in public be warned, other people may think you’re weird when you start laughing out loud as you take this trip down memory lane and remember all the best funny Harry Potter quotes!
Want more Harry Potter quotes? Check these out:
The Best Funny Quotes from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
The first foray for viewers into the magical wizarding world provided lots of wonder, as well as lots of laughter. We’re first introduced to all the amazing characters, and get to experience many of their funniest and most iconic lines. Here are the best funny Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone lines that will make you want to re-watch all the films from the start again immediately!
“Dudley Dursley: Daddy’s gone mad hasn’t he?”
“Hagrid: You’re a wizard, Harry!
Harry: I’m a what?”
“Molly Weasley: [to Fred] Fred, you next.
George Weasley: He’s not Fred, I am!
Fred Weasley: Honestly, woman. You call yourself our mother.
Molly Weasley: [to Fred] Oh, I’m sorry, George.
Fred Weasley: I’m only joking, I am Fred!”
“Ron: I know you! You’re Nearly Headless Nick!
Nearly Headless Nick: I prefer Sir Nicholas, if you don’t mind.
Hermione: “Nearly” headless? How can you be nearly headless?
Nearly Headless Nick: Like this. [pulls his head half off his neck]
“Ron: [Harry and Ron arrive late to Transfiguration] Whew, made it. Can you imagine the look on old McGonagall’s face if we were late? [the cat sitting at the head of the class suddenly transforms into her] That was bloody brilliant!
Professor McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch? That way, one of you might be on time.
Harry: We got lost.
Professor McGonagall: Then perhaps a map? I trust you don’t need one to find your seats.”
“Hermione: That’s totally barbaric!
Ron: That’s wizard’s chess.”
“Fred Weasley: Well done, Harry. Wood’s just told us.
Ron: Fred and George are on the team, too. Beaters.
George Weasley: Our job is to make sure that you don’t get bloodied up too bad. Can’t make any promises, of course. Rough game, Quidditch.
Fred Weasley: Brutal, but no one’s died in years. Someone will vanish occasionally, but they’ll turn up in a month or two!”
“Oliver Wood: Scared, Harry?
Harry: A little.
Oliver Wood: That’s all right. I felt the same way before my first game.
Harry: What happened?
Oliver Wood: I, uh, I don’t really remember. I took a bludger to the head two minutes in. Woke up in hospital a week later.”
“Hermione: Now if you two don’t mind, I’m going to bed before either of you come up with another clever idea to get us killed – or worse, expelled.
Ron: She needs to sort out her priorities!”
“Hagrid: Who told you about Fluffy?
Hermione: That thing has a name?”
“[about Fluffy] Hagrid: I lent him to Dumbledore to guard the…
Hagrid: Shouldn’t have said that. No more questions, don’t ask anymore questions!”
“Ron: [to Hermione] You’re a little scary sometimes, you know that? Brilliant… but scary.”
“Hermione: Look at you playing with your cards. Pathetic! We’ve got final exams coming up soon.
Ron: I’m ready! Ask me any question.
Hermione: All right, what are the three most crucial ingredients in a Forgetfulness Potion?
Ron: I forgot.
Hermione: And what, may I ask, do you plan to do if this comes up in the final exam?
Ron: Copy off you?”
“Hermione: Stop moving, both of you. This is devil’s snare! You have to relax. If you don’t, it’ll only kill you faster!
Ron: Kill us faster? Oh, now I can relax!”
“Professor Dumbledore: What happened down in the dungeon between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret. So, naturally, the whole school knows.”
“[about Bertie Botts’ Every Flavor Beans] Professor Dumbledore: I was most unfortunate in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I’m afraid I’ve lost my liking for them. But, I think I could be safe with a nice toffee. [eats it] Mm, alas, earwax.”
The Best Funny Quotes from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Flying cars, giant spiders, Dobby the house-elf and Gilderoy Lockhart – these are just the start of what made the Chamber of Secrets one of the funniest films in the franchise. Sure, there’s also a giant snake, but read on to enjoy all the best and funniest lines from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
“Molly Weasley: Your sons flew that enchanted car of yours to Surrey and back last night.
Arthur Weasley: [to the boys] Did you really? How did it go? [after Molly hits him] I mean, that was very wrong indeed, boys. Very wrong of you.”
“Arthur Weasley: Now, Harry you must know all about Muggles, tell me, what exactly is the function of a rubber duck?”
“Harry: Ron, I should tell you, most Muggles aren’t accustomed to seeing a flying car.”
“Professor Sprout: Oh, Longbottom’s been neglecting his earmuffs.
Seamus Finnigan: No, ma’am, he’s just fainted.
Professor Sprout: [sighs] Yes, well, just leave him there.”
“Harry: Do you think I should have told them? Dumbledore and the others, I mean.
Ron: Are you mad?
Hermione: No, Harry. Even in the wizarding world, hearing voices isn’t a good sign.”
“Oliver Wood: We play our game, Hufflepuff doesn’t stand a chance. We’re stronger, quicker and smarter.
Fred Weasley: And not to mention they’re dead scared that Harry’ll petrify them if they fly anywhere near him.
Oliver Wood: Well, that too.”
“Dobby: Listen… Listen, Terrible things are about to happen at Hogwarts. Harry Potter must not stay here, now that history is to repeat itself.
Harry: Repeat itself? Do you mean that this has happened before?
Dobby: [horrified gasp; covering his mouth with his hands] Oh! I shouldn’t have said that!”
“Professor Minerva McGonagall: Well, you all know, of course, that Hogwarts was founded over a thousand years ago, by the four greatest witches and wizards of the age. Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin. Now three of the founders co-existed quite harmoniously. One did not.
Ron: Three guesses who.”
“Ron: Have you spoken to Hermione?
Harry: She should be out of hospital in a few days… when she stops coughing up fur balls.”
“Hermione: Look, Hagrid’s our friend, why don’t we just go and ask him about it?
Ron: That would be a cheerful visit. ‘Hello Hagrid! Tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?’”
“Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn’t it be ‘follow the butterflies’?”
“Harry: Well… thank you. We’ll just go.
Aragog: Go? I think not. My sons and daughters do not harm Hagrid on my command, but I cannot deny them fresh meat when it wanders so willingly into our midst. Goodbye, friend of Hagrid.
Ron: Can we panic now?”
“Gilderoy Lockhart: [they find the Basilisk skin] What’s this? It looks like a… snake.
Harry: It’s a snake skin.
Ron: Bloody hell. Whatever shed this must be 60 feet long, or more. [Lockhart passes out] Heart of a lion, this one.”
“Harry: Promise me something.
Dobby: Anything, sir.
Harry: Never try to save my life again.”
The Best Funny Quotes from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
While there’s a spooky black dog hanging around, the Prisoner of Azkaban still delivered plenty of lines to make us giggle and arguably some of the best funny insults in the series. Tell the truth, before you knew about Peter Pettigrew, were you team Crookshanks or team Scabbers? Here are the best funny Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban lines.
“Hermione: Harry, Harry!
Shrunken head 1: I say! No underage wizards allowed in today. [shouts] Shut the damn door!
Hermione: So rude!
Shrunken head 2: Thick-heads… how dare they. Who are they calling Thick-heads? Young whippersnappers!”
“Harry: I didn’t mean to blow her up, I just… lost control.
Hermione: Honestly Ron, it’s not funny! Harry was lucky not to be expelled.
Harry: I think I was lucky not to have been arrested actually.
Ron: I still think it’s brilliant.”
“Harry: Egypt, huh? What’s it like?
Ron: Brilliant! Loads of cool stuff. Mummies, tombs. Even Scabbers enjoyed himself.
Hermione: You know, the Egyptians used to worship cats.
Ron: Yeah, along with the dung beetle.”
“[about the newspaper clipping Ron was showing Harry and Hermione]
George Weasley: Not flashing that clipping again, are you, Ron?
Ron: I haven’t shown anyone!
Fred Weasley: No, not a soul! Unless you count Tom.
George Weasley: The day maid.
Fred Weasley: The night maid.
George Weasley: The cook.
Fred Weasley: That bloke who came to fix the toilet.
George Weasley: And that wizard from Belgium!”
“Ron: A cat? Is that what they told you? It looks more like a pig with hair if you ask me.
Hermione: That’s rich, coming from the owner of that smelly old shoe brush. It’s alright, Crookshanks. Just ignore the mean little boy.”
“Ron: Who do you think that is?
Hermione: Professor R. J. Lupin.
Ron: Do you know everything? [to Harry] How is it she knows everything?
Hermione: [annoyed] It’s on his suitcase, Ronald.
“Dumbledore: Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher for many years, has decided to retire in order to spend more time with his remaining limbs.”
“Hagrid: [about Buckbeak] I think he may let you ride him now.
Hagrid: [picking him up and placing him on Buckbeak’s back] Come on, right behind the wing joint.
Harry: Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey! Hagrid!”
“Malfoy: You’re gonna regret this!
Hagrid: Class dismissed!
Malfoy: You and your bloody chicken!”
“Ron: [sitting bolt upright in bed] Spiders… the spiders… they want me to tap-dance. And I don’t want to tap-dance!
Harry: You tell those spiders, Ron.
Ron: Yeah, tell them… I’ll tell them… [falls straight back asleep]”
“Ron: Let me get this strait. Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban to come after you?
Hermione: But they’ll catch Black, won’t they? I mean, everyone’s looking for him.
Ron: Sure. Except no one’s ever broken out of Azkaban before, and he’s a murderous raving lunatic.
Harry: Thanks, Ron.”
“Professor Lupin: Now repeat after me – without wands please – repeat after me, Riddikulus.
Professor Lupin: Very good. A little louder please, and very clearly. Rid-di-kulus.
Malfoy: [under his breath] This class is ridiculous.”
“Professor Lupin: What frightens you most in the world?
Neville Longbottom: [mumbling] Pfsr Snpe.
Professor Lupin: I’m sorry?
Neville Longbottom: Professor Snape. [the class laughs]
Professor Lupin: Professor Sna- yes, he frightens all.”
“Harry: What’s the holdup?
Ron: Probably Neville’s forgotten the password again.
Neville Longbottom: [behind them] Hey!
Ron: Oh… You’re there…”
“Professor Snape: [taps the blank Marauder’s Map with his wand] Reveal your secrets. [writing appears on the map] Read it.
Harry: Messrs. Mooney, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, offer their compliments to Professor Snape and…
Professor Snape: Go on.
Harry: … and request that he keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.”
“Hermione: Beautiful day.
Ron: Gorgeous. Unless of course you’ve been ripped to pieces.
Harry: Ripped to pieces? What are you talking about?
Hermione: Ronald has lost his rat.
Ron: I haven’t lost anything! Your cat killed him!
Ron: Harry, you’ve seen the way that blood thirsty beast of hers is always lurking about. And now Scabbers is gone!
Hermione: Well maybe you should learn to take better care of your pets!
Ron: Your cat killed him!
Hermione: Did not!
“Ron: [as Harry lays unconscious] Looks a bit peaky, doesn’t he?
Fred Weasley: Peaky? What’d you expect him to look like? He fell fifty feet.
George Weasley: Yeah, c’mon, Ron. We’ll walk you off the Astronomy Tower and see how you come out looking.
Harry: Probably a right sight better than he normally does.”
“Hermione: Is that really what my hair looks like from the back?”
“Professor Lupin: [commenting on Sirius’ ragged looks] Finally, the flesh reflects the madness within.
Sirius Black: Well, you’d know all about the madness within, wouldn’t you Remus?”
“Sirius Black: Sorry about the bite, I reckon that twinges a bit.
Ron: A bit? A bit? You almost tore my leg off!
Sirius Black: I was going for the rat. Normally, I have a very sweet disposition as a dog. In fact, more than once, James suggested that I make the change permanent. The tail I could live with. But the fleas? They’re murder.”
“Harry: Now what?
Hermione: We save Sirius.
Hermione: No idea.”
Harry What are you doing?
Hermione: Saving your life!
Harry: Thanks!… Great, now he’s coming at us!
Hermione: Yeah, didn’t think about that… run!”
“Harry: You were right, Hermione! It wasn’t my dad I saw earlier! It was me! I saw myself conjuring the patronus before! I knew I could do it this time, because… well, because I’d already done it! Does that make sense?
Hermione: No! But I DON’T LIKE FLYING! [screams as Buckbeak dives]”
The Best Funny Quotes from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
The Goblet of Fire is when the series first started getting darker, but it definitely wasn’t without some lighthearted moments. Students from other schools were brought into the mix and the Weasley twins had some of their best quotes. These are our favorite Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire funny lines.
“Ron: There’s no one like Krum! He’s like a bird the way he rides the wind! He’s more than an athlete! He’s an artist.
Ginny: I think you’re in love, Ron.
Ron: Shut up!
George: [grabs one of Ron’s hands and begins singing] Victor, I love you!
Fred: [grabs Ron’s other hand] Victor, I do!
George, Fred and Harry : When we’re apart my heart beats only for you!”
“Barty Crouch: After much deliberation, the ministry has concluded that for their own safety. No student under the age of 17 shall be allowed to put forth their name for the Triwizard tournament. This decision is final.
Fred and George: That’s rubbish!”
“[after the dragon has run into the teachers stand]
Fred: [yelling] Well done dragon!”
“Fred: We knew you wouldn’t die, Harry!
George: Might lose a leg.
Fred: Or an arm.
George: But pack it in all together?
Fred and George: Never!”
“Ron: At least I warned you about the dragons.
Harry: Hagrid warned me about the dragons.
Ron: No, I did! Don’t you remember? I told Hermione to tell you that Seamus told me that Parvati told Dean that Hagrid was looking for you! Seamus never actually told me anything, so it was really me all along. I thought we’d be alright, you know, after you figured that out.
Harry: Who… who could possibly figure that out? It’s completely mental.
Ron: Yeah… it is, isn’t it. I suppose I was a bit distraught.”
“Professor McGonagall: The house of Godric Gryffindor has commanded the respect of the wizarding world for nearly ten centuries. I will not have you, in the course of a single evening, besmirching that name by behaving like a babbling, bumbling band of baboons!
Fred: [whispering to George] Try saying that five times fast.
George: [whispering] Babbling, bumbling band of baboons.
Fred: [whispering] Babbling, bumbling band of baboons.”
“Professor McGonagall: Now, Mr. Weasley, place your right hand on my waist.
“[Professor McGonagall demonstrates a waltz with Ron as her partner]
Professor McGonagall: One-two-three, one-two-three…
Harry: You’re never gonna let him forget this, are you?
Fred and George: [shaking their heads] Never.”
“Ron: What are those?
Harry: My dress robes…
Ron: Well, those’re all right! No lace, no dodgy little collar…
Harry: Well, I expect yours are more traditional…
Ron: Traditional? They’re ancient! I look like my great aunt Tessie! [takes a sniff in the underarm area] I smell like my great Aunt Tessie!”
“Rita Skeeter: So tell me, Harry. Here you sit, a mere boy of 12…
Harry: – I’m 14…
Rita Skeeter: – about to compete against three students who are not only vastly more emotionally mature than yourself, but who’ve mastered spells that you wouldn’t attempt in your dizziest daydreams. Concerned?
Harry: I dunno, I haven’t really thought about it…
Rita Skeeter: Because you’re no ordinary boy of 12 are you?
“Malfoy: Why so tense, Potter? My father and I have a bet, you see. I don’t think you’re going to last ten minutes in this tournament. He disagrees. He thinks you won’t last five! [laughs]
Harry: [enraged] I don’t give a damn what your father thinks, Malfoy! He’s vile and cruel, and you’re just pathetic!
Malfoy: Pathetic? [draws his wand]
Professor Moody: OH NO, YOU DON’T, SONNY! [transfigures Malfoy into a ferret] I’ll teach you to curse someone when their back is turned! [proceeds to flick the ferret up and down] You stinking, cowardly, scummy…
Professor McGonagall: [running up to Professor Moody] Professor Moody!
Professor Moody: Back-shooting…
Professor McGonagall: Wha- What are you doing?
Professor Moody: Teaching.
Professor McGonagall: Is that a- Is that a student?
Professor Moody: Technically, it’s a ferret.”
“Harry: Why do they have to travel in packs? And how are you supposed to get one on their own to ask them? [Stops in front of a group of girls, hesitates, then continues walking]
Ron: Blimey, Harry. You’ve slayed dragons. If you can’t get a date, who can?”
“Harry: What’s with the flower? Hagrid… have you combed your hair?
Hagrid: ‘S a matter of fact I have. You might want to try the same thing now and again.”
“Hagrid: I remember when I first met you all. Biggest bunch of misfits I ever set eyes on! You reminded me of myself a little. And here we all are, four years later.
Ron: We’re still a bunch of misfits.”
“Harry: ‘Come seek us where our voices sound’.
Hermione: The Black Lake, that’s obvious.
Harry: ‘An hour long you’ll have to look’.
Hermione: Again, obvious. Though admittedly potentially problematic…
Harry: Potentially problematic? When was the last time you held your breath underwater for an hour, Hermione?”
“Cedric Diggory: For a moment there, I thought you were going to let it get me.
Harry: For a moment there, so did I!”
The Best Funny Quotes from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The absolute worst part of the Order of the Phoenix was the character of Dolores Umbridge. Most people hated her more than Voldemort and that’s saying something! But we also got introduced to the delightful Luna Lovegood, which sort of evens it out. Here are the best funny Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix lines that we will always remember.
“Cornelius Fudge: Oh! Albus… I see you got our notice about the time change of the hearing…
Albus Dumbledore: I must have missed it; but by a happy mistake, I arrived at the Ministry three hours early.”
“Mrs. Arabella Figg: [she has been asked to describe “them”] One was very huge… the other, very skinny.
Cornelius Fudge: We mean the dementors, not the boys!”
“Hermione Granger: So… that’s an interesting necklace.
Luna Lovegood: It’s a charm actually. It keeps away the Nargles.”
“Dolores Umbridge: You applied first for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post, is that correct?
Severus Snape: Yes.
Dolores Umbridge: But you were unsuccessful?
Severus Snape: Obviously…”
“Harry Potter: This is mad. Who’d want to be taught by me? I’m a nutter, remember?
Ron Weasley: Look on the bright side. You can’t be any worse than old toad face.
Harry Potter: Thanks, Ron.
Ron Weasley: I’m here for you, mate.”
“Harry Potter: First we’ve got to find a place to practice where Umbridge won’t find out.
Ginny Weasley: The Shrieking Shack?
Harry Potter: It’s too small.
Hermione Granger: The Forbidden Forest?
Ron Weasley: Not bloody likely!”
“Ginny Weasley: Harry, what happens if Umbridge does find out?
Hermione Granger: Who cares? I mean, it’s sort of exciting, isn’t it, breaking the rules.
Ron Weasley: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?”
“Severus Snape: [watches a touching memory between Harry and Sirius] I may vomit.”
“Harry Potter: [sees that Luna is barefoot] Aren’t your feet cold?
Luna Lovegood: A bit. But all my shoes have mysteriously disappeared. I suspect the Nargles are behind it.”
“[Ron and Hermione ask Harry about his first kiss with Cho]
Ron Weasley: Well? How was it?
Harry Potter: Wet. I mean, she was sort of crying.
Ron Weasley: [laughs] That bad at it, are you?
Hermione Granger: I’m sure Harry’s kissing was more than satisfactory. Cho spends half her time crying these days.
Ron Weasley: You’d think a bit of snogging would cheer her up.”
“Ron Weasley: One person couldn’t feel all that. They’d explode!
Hermione Granger: Just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon…”
“[referring to Ron’s Christmas jumper]
Hermione Granger: I can’t understand why you don’t want to wear it, Ronald.
Ron Weasley: Cause I’ll look like a bloody idiot, that’s why.
Hermione Granger: No more than usual.”
“Cornelius Fudge: Dawlish, Shacklebolt, you will escort Dumbledore to Azkaban to await trial for conspiracy.
Albus Dumbledore: Ah, I thought we might hit this little snag. You seem to be laboring under the delusion that I am going to – what is the phrase? – come quietly.”
“Kingsley Shacklebolt: You may not like him, Minister, but you can’t deny: Dumbledore’s got style.”
“Dolores Umbridge: Potter, do something! Tell them I mean no harm!
Harry Potter: I’m sorry, Professor. But I must not tell lies.”
“Hermione Granger: How’d you get away?
Ginny Weasley: Puking Pastilles. It wasn’t pretty.
Ron Weasley: Told them I was hungry and wanted some sweets. Of course, they told me to bugger off and ate the lot themselves.
Hermione Granger: That was clever, Ron!
Ron Weasley: It’s been known to happen.”
The Best Funny Quotes from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
The Half-Blood Prince might be one of the saddest in the series, and as the films became increasingly darker there were fewer jokes. Moments of brevity were never omitted completely though, and these best funny lines from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince prove it.
“[Harry is reading a newspaper, his name is on the front page]
Waitress: “Harry Potter.” Who’s Harry Potter?
Harry Potter: Oh, no one. Bit of a tosser, really.”
“Harry Potter: I just apparated, didn’t I?
Albus Dumbledore: Indeed. Quite successfully, I might add. Most people vomit their first time.
Harry Potter: [dry-heaving] I can’t imagine why.”
“Albus Dumbledore: I must say, Horace, you make a very convincing armchair.
Horace Slughorn: Oh, thank you. It’s all in the upholstry. [pats his stomach] I come about the stuffing naturally.”
“Albus Dumbledore: [holding up a Muggle magazine] Horace, do you mind if I take this? I do love knitting patterns.”
“Ron Weasley: How much are these?
Fred and George Weasley: 5 galleons.
Ron Weasley: How much for me?
Fred and George Weasley: 5 galleons.
Ron Weasley: I’m your brother!
Fred and George Weasley: 10 galleons.”
“Luna Lovegood: [about Ginny’s pygmy puff] He’s lovely! They’ve been known to sing on Boxing Day, you know. Quibbler?
Ginny Weasley: Oh, please. [looks at the cover] What’s a wrackspurt?
Luna Lovegood: They’re invisible creatures. They float in your ears and make your brain go fuzzy.”
“Luna Lovegood: [after finding Harry immobilised on the train under his invisibility cloak] Hello Harry!
Harry Potter: Luna! How’d you know where I was?
Luna Lovegood: Wrackspurts. Your head’s full of them.”
“Luna Lovegood: [when Harry has a broken nose] Would you like me to fix it for you? Personally, I think you look a little more devil-may-care this way, but it’s up to you.
Harry Potter: Um… have you ever fixed a nose before?
Luna Lovegood: No. But I’ve done several toes, and how different are they, really?
Harry Potter: …Okay, yeah, give it a go.
Luna Lovegood: Episkey! [a loud crack]
Harry Potter: Augh…! [rubs his nose gingerly; looks at Luna] Well? How do I look?
Luna Lovegood: Exceptionally ordinary.
Harry Potter: …Brilliant.”
“Ron Weasley: [to Hermione and Ginny] He’ll be here, soon. [starts eating]
Hermione Granger: [smacks him on the arm with a book] Will you stop eating? Your best friend is missing!
Ron Weasley: Turn around, you lunatic!
[Hermione and Ginny looks towards the Great Hall door and sees Harry covered in blood]
Ginny Weasley: He’s covered in blood again. Why is it he’s always covered in blood?”
“Ron Weasley: You heard Snape say he’s made an Unbreakable Vow?
Harry Potter: Yes. What does it mean?
Ron Weasley: Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow!
Harry Potter: [sarcastic] I worked that much out for myself, funnily enough.”
“Harry Potter: What brings you here, sir?
Horace Slughorn: Oh, the Three Broomsticks and I go way back! Farther back than I care to admit! Ho ho ho… Why I can remember when it was just ONE Broomstick!”
“Hermione Granger: [snaps her fingers] Hey! She’s only interested in you because she thinks you’re the Chosen One.
Harry Potter: But I am the Chosen One. [Hermione smacks him on the head with the newspaper] Sorry… kidding!”
“Hermione Granger: [after she sees Ron accepting an embarrassing necklace from Lavender] Excuse me, I have to go vomit.”
“Professor Minerva McGonagall: [to Harry, Ron, & Hermione] Why is it, when something happens, it is always you three?
Ron Weasley: Believe me, Professor. I’ve been asking myself the same question for six years.”
“Ron Weasley: I can’t stop thinking about her, Harry.
Harry Potter: Honestly, you know, I reckon she was starting to annoy you.
Ron Weasley: She could never annoy me. I think I love her.
Harry Potter: Oh… brilliant.
Ron Weasley: Do you think she knows I exist?
Harry Potter: Well, I’d bloody well hope so, she’s been snogging you for three months.
Ron Weasley: Snogging? Who are you talking about?
Harry Potter: Who are you talking about?”
“Harry Potter: [Harry knocks on the door of Professor Slughorn’s room] I’m sorry, sir. I wouldn’t bother you if it weren’t essential.
Ron Weasley: Where’s Romilda?
Horace Slughorn: What’s the matter with Wenby?
Harry Potter: [Whispers] Very powerful love potion.
Horace Slughorn: Very well. Better bring him in. I’d have thought you could have whipped up a remedy for this in no time, Harry.
Harry Potter: I’d have thought that this called for a more practised hand, sir.
Ron Weasley: [Ron wraps his arms around Professor Slughorn and looks at him romantically] Hello Darling. Fancy a drink?
Horace Slughorn: Perhaps you’re right.”
“[Slughorn is snipping tentacular leaves through a window in the greenhouse; Harry, who is walking by, notices Slughorn and walks up behind him]
Horace Slughorn: Aaauughh!… Merlin’s beard, Harry!
Harry Potter: Oh, sorry, sir, I should’ve announced myself. Cleared my throat. Coughed. You probably feared I was Professor Sprout!
Horace Slughorn: Yes, I did actually!… What made you think that?
Harry Potter: Oh, well, just the general behavior, sir – the sneaking around, jumping when you saw me… Are those tentacular leaves, sir? They’re very valuable, aren’t they?
Horace Slughorn: Ten Galleons a leaf to the right buyer!… Not that I’m familiar with any such back alley transactions, but one does hear rumors. My own interests are purely academic, of course.
Harry Potter: Personally, these plants always kind of freak me out.”
“Horace Slughorn: [shocked] Harry!
Harry Potter: [imitating Slughorn and hyper from the Felix potion] Sir!”
“Rubeus Hagrid: Seriously misunderstood creatures, spiders are. It’s the eyes, I reckon, they unnerve some folk.
Harry Potter: Not to mention the pincers…[clicks his tongue while miming pincers biting]”
“Rubeus Hagrid: [talking about Aragog] I had him from an egg, you know? Tiny little thing he was when he hatched. No bigger than a Pekingese. A Pekingese, mind you!
Horace Slughorn: How sweet! I once had a fish… Francis. He was very dear to me. One afternoon, I came downstairs and… it vanished. Poof.
Rubeus Hagrid: That’s very odd, isn’t it?
Horace Slughorn: Yes, doesn’t it? But that’s life! I suppose, you – you go along with and suddenly… poof.
Rubeus Hagrid: Poof.
Harry Potter: Poof.”
“Harry Potter: But, Sir, I thought we weren’t allowed to apparate on Hogwarts’ grounds.
Albus Dumbledore: Well, being me… has its privileges.”
The Best Funny Quotes from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Even while the trio was on the run from Voldemort and the Death Eaters, clever jokes can be found in the two parts of the Deathly Hallows. These are the best funny lines from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1, made possibly even more so because of what was going on at the time.
“Alastor ‘Mad-Eye’ Moody: [handing out Polyjuice Potion] Fair warning, it tastes like goblin piss.
Fred Weasley: Have lots of experience with that, do you, Mad-Eye? [Moody glares] Just trying to diffuse the tension.”
Fred and George Weasley: [after taking Polyjuice Potion and turning into Harry] Wow, we’re identical!”
“Fleur Delacour: [after being transformed into Harry, she turns her back on Bill as she begins undressing] Bill, look away, I’m hideous!”
“[Tonks and Ron arrive at the Burrow. Hermione hugs Ron gratefully]
Nymphadora Tonks: Deserves that. Brilliant, he was. Wouldn’t be standing here without him.
Hermione Granger: Really?
Ron Weasley: Always the tone of surprise.”
“Fred Weasley: How you feeling, Georgie?
George Weasley: …Saint-like.
Fred Weasley: …Come again?
George Weasley: Saint-like. [points to missing ear] I’m holey.
Fred Weasley: Pathetic! With the whole wide world of ear-related humor before you, you go for “holey”?”
“[after their escape from the Death Eaters]
Ron Weasley: You’re amazing, you are!
Hermione Granger: [wryly] Always the tone of surprise.”
“Harry Potter: This is mental.
Hermione Granger: Completely mental.
Ron Weasley: The world’s mental.”
“Ron Weasley: [Preparing to enter the Ministry of Magic] We have to flush ourselves in! [pause] That’s disgusting.”
“Ron Weasley: Oh my God. What am I gonna do? My wife’s all alone downstairs!
Harry Potter: Ron, you don’t have a wife.
Ron Weasley: Right.”
“Ron Weasley: Hey! [Hermione stalks up to him, furious]
Hermione Granger: [yanks his rucksack off his shoulder] You… [shoves him] Complete… [throws a handful of leaves and twigs at him] Arse, Ronald Weasley! You show up here after weeks, and you say ‘Hey’? [rounds on Harry]Where’s my wand, Harry? Where’s my wand?
Harry Potter: [hides it quickly] I don’t know!
Hermione Granger: Harry Potter, you give me my wand!”
“Harry Potter: [about Ron, after he returns] You’re not still mad at him, are you?
Hermione Granger: I’m always mad at him.”
“Hermione Granger: [reading] “There were once three brothers, who were traveling along a lonely winding road at twilight”…
Ron Weasley: Midnight. Mum always said midnight. [Hermione gives him a filthy look] Twilight’s fine. Better, actually.
Hermione Granger: Do you want to read it?
Ron Weasley: No, no.”
“Luna Lovegood: Whenever you’re ready, Sir.
Dobby the House Elf: “Sir”? I like her very much.”
“Bellatrix Lestrange: You stupid elf! You could have killed me!
Dobby the House Elf: Dobby never meant to kill! Dobby only meant to maim, or seriously injure!”
The Best Funny Quotes from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Some of the funniest lines in the second half of the final instalment come from the teachers (particularly McGonagall) helping to defend the castle from Voldemort and the Death Eaters. Here are the best funny lines from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 – the triumphant yet bittersweet finale.
“Griphook: How did you come upon that sword?
Harry Potter: It’s complicated. Why did Bellatrix Lestrange think it should be in her vault?
Griphook: It’s complicated.”
“Ron Weasley: That foul little git! At least we’ve still got Bogrod. [Just then, the dragon chained by the vaults breathes fire at Bogrod burning him to a crisp] That’s unfortunate!”
“Harry Potter: We have to go there, now.
Hermione Granger: What? We can’t do that! We’ve got to plan! We’ve got to figure it out…
Harry Potter: Hermione! When have any of our plans ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose!”
“[Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville have entered the Room of Requirement]
Ginny Weasley: Harry!
Harry Potter: Hi there.
Ron Weasley: [pauses, waiting for a response from Ginny, then addresses Hermione] Six months she hadn’t see me, it’s like I’m a Frankie First Year. I’m only her brother…
Seamus Finnigan: She’s got lots of them, but there’s only one Harry.
Ron Weasley: Shut up Seamus.”
“Neville Longbottom: Right then, so what’s the plan Harry?
Harry Potter: Okay, there’s something we need to find, something hidden here in the castle, and it may help us defeat You-Know-Who.
Neville Longbottom: Right, what is it?
Harry Potter: We don’t know.
Dean Thomas: Where is it?
Harry Potter: We don’t know that either. I realise that’s not much to go on.
Seamus Finnigan: That’s nothing to go on.”
“Luna Lovegood: Well, there’s Rowena Ravenclaw’s lost diadem.
Ron Weasley: Oh bloody hell, here we go.”
“Hermione Granger: We can’t just stand here. Who’s got an idea?
Ron Weasley: Don’t ask us. You’re the brilliant one!”
“Argus Filch: Students out of bed! Students out of bed! Students in the corridor!
Minerva McGonagall: They are supposed to be out of bed you blithering idiot.”
“Neville Longbottom: [discussing a battle strategy] Are you really giving us permission to do this?
Minerva McGonagall: Yes, Longbottom.
Neville Longbottom: Blow it up? Boom?
Minerva McGonagall: BOOM!”
“Minerva McGonagall: Why don’t you confer with Mr. Finnigan? As I recall, he has a particular proclivity for pyrotechnics.
Seamus Finnigan: I can bring it down!
Minerva McGonagall: That’s the spirit, now away you go.”
“[climbing onto the bridge after blowing it up
Neville Longbottom: That went well.”
Bonus: The Funniest Harry Potter Quotes from the Books
Some of the funniest Harry Potter lines from the books didn’t make it into the films, as you unfortunately can’t fit everything into a couple of hours runtime. But don’t worry, we made sure to include the best funny quotes from the books that weren’t in the movie versions, so you can be reminded of these brilliant moments.
“Albus Dumbledore: Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!” Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
“Yeah, we’ll call you,” muttered Ron as the knight disappeared, “If we ever need someone mental.” Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
“Harry and Ron both whipped around, but Hermione said loudly, waving to somebody over Malfoy’s shoulder, “Hello, Professor Moody!”
Malfoy went pale and jumped backwards, looking wildly around for Moody, but he was still up at the staff table, finishing his stew.
“Twitchy little ferret, aren’t you, Malfoy?” said Hermione scathingly, and she, harry and Ron went up the marble staircase laughing heartily.” Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
“He sounds exactly like Moody,” said Harry quietly, tucking the letter away again inside his robes. “‘Constant vigilance!’ You’d think I walk around with my eyes shut, banging off the walls….” Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
“Ron Weasley: Harry, just go down to the lake tomorrow, right, stick your head in, yell at the merpeople to give back whatever they’ve nicked, and see if they chuck it out. Best you can do, mate.” Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
“Hermione Granger: Ron, you are the most insensitive wart I have ever had the misfortune to meet.” Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
“Ron Weasley: From now on, I don’t care if my tea leaves spell ‘Die, Ron, Die,’ I’m chucking them in the bin where they belong.” Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
“Malfoy glanced around. Harry knew he was checking for signs of teachers. Then he looked back at Harry and said in a low voice, “You’re dead, Potter.”
Harry raised his eyebrows. “Funny,” he said, “you’d think I’d have stopped walking around….” Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
“Luna Lovegood: I don’t think you should be an Auror, Harry. The Aurors are a part of the Rotfang Conspiracy. I thought everyone knew that. They’re working from within to bring down the Ministry of Magic using a combination of Dark Magic and gum disease.” Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
“Why are they all staring?” demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students.
“Don’t let it worry you,” said Ron. “It’s me. I’m extremely famous.” Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Did We Miss Any of Your Favourite Funny Harry Potter Quotes?
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