Once again, thanks to the beauty of DracoTok that has ferociously overtaken the world, all things Harry Potter-related have been brewing in our minds…
And so naturally, we decided to compile a list of our favourite Draco jokes in honour of our favourite sassy, badassy, and wonderful smelling HP ‘villain’.
Just for you – we’ve researched high and low for all the best Draco Malfoy puns, jokes, and wordplay so that you can use these lines on your friends in your next Zoom date, text messages or hey, maybe even at Hogwarts itself if you manage to shift.
But anyways – let’s get to the jokes.
Fair warning, though: some of these are so despicable that Malfoy himself would shake his head… but isn’t that the fun in it all?
Read on and enjoy!
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The Best “Terribly Funny, Really Witty” Draco Malfoy Puns, Jokes, and Wordplay
The best, wittiest, and most golden ones of the bunch: Here are all the star-status Draco Malfoy puns, jokes, and wordplay to satisfy you to your heart’s content!
How does Draco Malfoy enter a building?
Why does Draco Malfoy have such amazing hair?
Because his father has Lucius locks.
Why does Draco Malfoy live in such a nice house?
Because that’s just the Malfoy Manner.
Why didn’t JK Rowling explain how Draco met his wife?
Because that’s Astoria for another time.
Why is Draco Malfoy so obsessed with his looks?
Because some say his mom is a Narcissa-st.
What is Draco Malfoy’s favourite drink on a night out?
Well, usually he Expect-o Patron, mm!
Why does Draco Malfoy not date American muggles?
Because they’re No-Maj for him.
What is Draco Malfoy’s favourite way of getting coffee?
Using Espresso Patronum!
Source: Hello Giggles
How does Draco Malfoy conjure up more puns?
Using Expecto Pun-tronum!
Harry Potter books, according to Draco Malfoy
Draco Malfoy and the Rejected Handshake
Draco Malfoy and the Better-than-Potter’s Broomstick
Draco Malfoy and Hagrid’s Bloody Chicken
Draco Malfoy and the Year His Father Would Hear About
Draco Malfoy and the Inquisitorial Squad
Draco Malfoy and the Vanishing Cabinet
Draco Malfoy and the Year He Realized He Had Been an A-Hole
Source: Bookbub and Tumblr
My father will hear about this! [As a reply to just about anything. 10/10 Draco Malfoy humour]
The next one contains spoilers for Half-Blood Prince, but we’ll assume that you’ve read all the books and seen the films. If not, look away now!
“Someone just killed Dumbledore!”
“Oh no, was it serious?”
“Nah, it was Snape.”
BONUS: Check out Siân Welby’s excellent weather forecast that was ridden with Harry Potter puns!
Somewhat Terrible Draco Malfoy Jokes
God, this list has gone to the dogs. Yeah, we know. Some of the jokes found online are somewhat cringe-worthy or downright terrible. Here are the worst Draco Malfoy jokes (use them at your own discretion):
What’s Draco Malfoy’s favorite food?
What’s Draco Malfoy’s least favourite drink?
Ginny and tonic.
What did Draco Malfoy say to his friend who couldn’t stop smoking?
“Just Quidditch already!”
What does Malfoy use to keep his hair so perfect?
What is Draco Malfoy’s favourite cereal?
Why does Draco Malfoy always have to tell his father about everything?
It’s a Draco-ping mechanism.
Why did Malfoy put on an extra sweater?
He was Draco-ld.
How does Draco Malfoy get rid of a rash?
He uses Quit-itch.
Source: Jesmond Library
Why does Draco Malfoy always beat up his classmates?
Because he likes peer blood.
Why was Draco Malfoy always in detention?
He kept cursing in class.
Source: Jesmond Library
BONUS: Never forget the time that Tom Felton lost his passport AND phone on the same day, then tweeted this hilarious reply when James Corden miraculously recovered his passport. We’re happy to see that Draco’s real-life counterpart also has a great sense of humor!
Draco Malfoy Puns & Wordplay That Are So Bad, They Might Be Good
These are our personal favourite Draco puns and wordplay! These are sooooooo bad, they might actually be considered gems (in another world). We present to you the most facepalm-worthy Draco Malfoy puns and wordplay in all their glory!
Did you have a wardrobe Malfoy-nction?
Is that a Malfoy-mation in your top?
Bite your Parseltongue!
I’ve got 99 problems, but a Snitch ain’t one.
BONUS: Throw it back to 2011 with Tom’s tweet about being the only kid to have ever hugged Voldemort!
Did We Miss Any Fun Draco Malfoy Puns, Jokes, or Wordplay That You Want to Share?
We hope you enjoyed our roundup of Malfoy-related puns, jokes, and wordplay! If we left out any of your fave jokes, let us know in the comments. And don’t worry, his father won’t hear about this!