Brilliantly brought to life by Lisa Kudrow, the character of Phoebe Buffay was definitely one of the most memorable in Friends.
She was quirky and kooky, with some strange ideas about certain things, but ultimately someone with a good heart. Her sad history didn’t get in the way of her great sense of humor and who could forget her ‘unique’ songs?!
We’ve put together this list of all the best Phoebe Buffay quotes from throughout the ten seasons of Friends, so you can enjoy remembering the many fun facets of Pheebs.
Most Iconic and Well-Known Phoebe Buffay Quotes
Apart from her particular way of saying “oh no” when something goes wrong, these are the most famous Phoebe Buffay sayings that you probably already love.
“Joey: Hey, Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don’t want to.” Friends, Season One, Episode 1: “The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate”
“Happy ‘Christmas Eve’ Eve.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 9: “The One with Phoebe’s Dad”
“[when Rachel and Ross finally get together] See? He’s her lobster!” Friends, Season Two, Episode 14: “The One with the Prom Video”
“[playing guitar and singing] Smelly cat, smelly cat, What are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, It’s not your fault.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 14: “The One with Phoebe’s Ex-Partner”
“Hi, I’m Phoebe Buffay and I have babies coming out of me.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 3: “The One Hundredth”
“Mike: So what’s new?
Phoebe: Well, I’m no longer Phoebe Buffay.
Mike: That’s great. You changed your name?
Phoebe: Yes, I did. Meet Princess Consuela Bananahammock.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 14: “The One with Princess Consuela”
Best Song Lyric Quotes by Phoebe Buffay
Her unique singing style, and often rather weird song topics, were a big part of what made Phoebe, Phoebe. These are our favorite examples of the songs that Phoebe sang throughout Friends.
“New York City has no power, And the milk is getting sour, But to me it is not scary, ’cause I stay away from dairy.” Friends, Season One, Episode 7: “The One with the Blackout”
“I made a man with eyes of coal, And a smile so bewitching, How was I supposed to know, That my mom was dead in the kitchen?” Friends, Season One, Episode 10: “The One with the Monkey”
“My mother’s ashes, Even her eyelashes, Are resting in a little yellow jar, And sometimes when it’s freezing, I feel a little sneezy, And now I-” Friends, Season One, Episode 10: “The One with the Monkey”
“Thanks. I’d like to start with a song about a man I recently met who’s come to be very important to me. [singing] You don’t have to be awake, To be my man, Long as you have brain waves, I’ll be there to hold your hand, Though we just met the other day, There’s something I have got to say- [sees Monica sneaking out of Central Perk] Okay, thank you very much. I’m gonna take a short break. [runs out after her]” Friends, Season One, Episode 11: “The One with Mrs. Bing”
“They’re tiny and chubby, And so sweet to touch, But soon they’ll grow up, And resent you so much, Now they’re yelling at you, And you don’t know why, And you cry and you cry and you cry, And you cry and you cry, And you cry-” Friends, Season One, Episode 23: “The One with the Birth”
“I’m in the shower, And I’m writing a song, Stop me if you’ve heard it, My skin is soapy and my hair is wet, And Tegrin spelled backward is nirget.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 6: “The One with the Baby on the Bus”
“Lather, rinse, repeat, And lather, rinse, repeat, And lather, rinse, repeat, As needed.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 6: “The One with the Baby on the Bus”
“There was a girl, We’ll call her Betty, And a guy, Let’s call him Neil, Now I can’t stress, This point too strongly, This story isn’t real…
Now our Neil must decide, Who will be the girl that he casts aside, Will Betty be the one who he loves truly, Or will it be the one who we’ll call Loolie. He must decide, He must decide, Even though I made him up, He must decide.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 8: “The One with the List”
“Now Grandma’s a person, Who everyone likes, She bought you a train, And a bright shiny bike, But lately she hasn’t, Been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her, She looked so much thinner, Now your mom and your dad said, She moved to Peru, But the truth is she died, And someday you will too.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 12: “The One After the Superbowl”
“There’ll be times when you get older, When you’ll want to sleep with people, Just to make them like you, But don’t! ‘Cause that’s another thing that you don’t wanna do, Everybody! That’s another thing, That you don’t wanna do.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 12: “The One After the Superbowl”
“Oh, the cow in the meadow goes “moo”, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes “moo”, Then the farmer hits him on the head, And grinds him up And that’s how we get hamburgers.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 12: “The One After the Superbowl”
“Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Smelly cat, smelly cat, What are they feeding you? Everybody. Smelly cat, smelly cat, It’s not your fault. Monica.
Monica: They won’t take you to the vet.
Chandler: … You’re obviously not their favorite pet.
Joey: You may not be a bed of roses.
Rachel: And you’re no friend to those with noses.
Phoebe: Ross, those are the only lines we have. Sorry. Okay, back to the chorus.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 17: “The One Where Eddie Moves In”
“And a crusty old man, Said I’ll do what I can, And the rest of the rats, Played maracas.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 18: “The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies”
“Jingle bitch screwed me over. Go to hell, jingle whore. Go to hell, go to hell, go to he-he-hell.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 14: “The One with Phoebe’s Ex-Partner”
“My sticky shoes, My sticky, sticky shoes, Why you stick on me? Baby.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 5: “The One with Joey’s New Girlfriend”
“Went to the store, Sat on Santa’s lap, Asked him to bring my friends, All kinds of crap, Said all you need is, To write them a song, Now you haven’t heard it yet, So don’t try to sing along, No, don’t sing along, Monica, Monica, Have a happy Hanukkah. Saw Santa Claus, He said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowyyyy. And Rachel and Chandler, [indistinct] Happy holidays, everybody!” Friends, Season Four, Episode 10: “The One with the Girl from Poughkeepsie”
“Are you in there, little foetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 12: “The One with the Embryos”
“I found you in my bed, How’d you wind up there? You are a mystery, Little black curly hair, Little black curly hair, Little black, little black, little black, Little black curly hair.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 3: “The One with Ross’s Denial”
“It only takes two heart attacks, To finally make you see, One of them won’t do it, But the second will set you free, Tell all your hate and anger, It’s time to say goodbye, And that is just what I will do, Soon as those bastards I worked for die!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 16: “The One That Could Have Been”
“Whenever I get married, Guess who won’t be asked to sing, Somebody named Geller, And somebody else named Bing.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”
“And there’s a country called Argentina, It’s a place I’ve never seen, But I’m told for fifty pesos, You can buy a human spleen, Human spleen. Olé!” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 19: “The One with Rachel’s Dream”
Best Wacky and Clueless Quotes by Phoebe Buffay
As we mentioned, Phoebe had a unique way of looking at life. Here is the best of Phoebe Buffay quotes that perfectly illustrates some of the odd beliefs she held, as well as how adorably clueless she sometimes was.
“Joey: You know what I liked? How his smile was a little crooked.
Phoebe: Yes! Like the man in the shoe!
Ross: What shoe?
Phoebe: You know, from the rhyme. There was a crooked man, With a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a while.” Friends, Season One, Episode 3: “The One with the Thumb”
“No, I mean, maybe no one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then I get this feeling that she’s right here, you know? Oh! And Debbie, my friend from junior high got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course. I always get this strong Debbie vibe when I use one of those little yellow pencils, you know. I miss her.” Friends, Season One, Episode 8: “The One Where Nana Dies Twice”
“Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday’s Daily News?
Phoebe: I just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.” Friends, Season One, Episode 11: “The One with Mrs. Bing”
“Rachel: How do we end up with these jerks? I mean, we’re good people.
Monica: I don’t know. Perhaps we’re some kind of magnets.
Phoebe: I know I am. That’s why I can’t wear a digital watch.” Friends, Season One, Episode 14: “The One with the Candy Hearts”
“Phoebe: All right, here’s my $7.50. But this money is cursed.
Phoebe: Oh, I cursed it! Now bad things will happen to he who spends it.” Friends, Season One, Episode 18: “The One with All the Poker’
“Monica: He pooped in my shoe.
Phoebe: Which one?
Monica: The cute little black ones I wear all the time.
Phoebe: No, which one? The right or left? Because the left one is lucky.” Friends, Season One, Episode 19: “The One Where the Monkey Gets Away”
“Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don’t believe in evolution?
Phoebe: Not really.
Ross: You don’t believe in evolution?
Phoebe: I don’t know. It’s just, you know. Monkeys, Darwin, it’s a nice story. I just think it’s a little too easy.
Ross: “Too easy”? Too- The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms is “too easy”?
Phoebe: Yeah, I just don’t buy it.
Ross: Excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. Don’t get me started on gravity.
Ross: You don’t believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it’s not so much that, you know, like, I don’t believe in it. It’s just, I don’t know, lately I get the feeling that I’m not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 3: “The One Where Heckles Dies”
“Ross: Okay, Pheebs. See how I’m making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs! Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
Phoebe: Maybe the Overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 3: “The One Where Heckles Dies”
“Phoebe: All right. So he’s not a famous tree surgeon? And then I guess, okay, he doesn’t live in a hut in Burma where there’s no phones?
Frances: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.
Phoebe: Okay, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?” Friends, Season Two, Episode 9: “The One with Phoebe’s Dad”
“Monica: You wanna feel better? [gets her a video tape] Here. Watch this.
Phoebe: “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Yes, I’ve heard of this.
Monica: So you can’t lose. It’s there in the title. Wonderfulness is baked right in.
Phoebe: Please, I almost fell for that with Pride of the Yankees. I thought I was going to see a film about Yankee pride. But then boom! The guy gets Lou Gehrig’s disease.
Richard: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn’t you kind of see it coming?” Friends, Season Two, Episode 20: “The One Where Old Yeller Dies”
“Monica: Dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.
Phoebe: Okay, right there. That’s the third sign today. Right there.
Ross: On behalf of everyone, I’d just like to say, “Huh?”
Phoebe: No, because you just said “dad.” And everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet, which is my father’s last name. And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the “s” at the end. And there was a rotisserie with a spinning chicken.
Monica: His lndian name?
Phoebe: No. Because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So, coincidences? I don’t think so.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 21: “The One with the Bullies”
“Rachel: Who wants the last hamburger?
Phoebe: Okay, that’s it. Now I have to go see him.
Phoebe: Hamburger? McDonald’s? Old McDonald had a farm. My dad is a pharm-acist.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 21: “The One with the Bullies”
“Phoebe: Has she slept at all?
Rachel: No, it’s been three nights in a row.
Ross: She finally stopped crying yesterday. But then she found one of Richard’s cigar butts out on the terrace.
Phoebe: Okay, that explains it. I got a call at 2 in the morning and all I could hear was this high, squeaky sound. So I thought, “Okay, it’s a mouse or a possum.” Then I realized, like, okay, where would a mouse or a possum get the money to make the phone call?” Friends, Season Three, Episode 1: “The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy”
“Phoebe: All right, I’m going to go take a pregnancy test now.
Joey: Oh, wow. You can tell this soon?
Phoebe: Well, the doctor says it takes a couple of days. But my body’s always been a little faster than Western medicine, so…” Friends, Season Four, Episode 12: “The One with the Embryos”
“Rachel: All I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua so he could go ahead and start falling in love with me.
Phoebe: [strokes her head] Aww, Pheebs.
Rachel: Honey, that’s your name.
Phoebe: That’s short for Phoebe? I thought that’s just what we called each other.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 14: “The One with Joey’s Dirty Day”
“Chandler: Ho, ho, ho.
Phoebe: Excuse me?
Chandler: Your pants.
Phoebe: Oh yeah. You like them? I went to a used-clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. These are so comfortable.
Joey: Pheebs, those are Santa pants.
Chandler: Santa pants. Santa Claus’s pants.
Phoebe: Nuh-uh. No. They’re maternity pants. Look, they even came with a list of baby names. See? These names are good, and these are bad. Oh.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 19: “The One with All the Haste”
“Ross: That’s it. I cannot make this decision. It is too difficult. So I am just going to leave it entirely up to the gods of fate.
Monica: A Magic 8 Ball? You can’t make this decision with a toy.
Phoebe: Oh, it’s not a toy.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 4: “The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS”
“Joey: All right, Phoebe, I am ready for my first lesson.
Phoebe: No, you don’t touch the guitar. First you learn here, then you learn here.
Phoebe: Okay. Lesson one: Chords. Now, um, I don’t know the actual names of the chords. But I made up names for the way my hand looks while I’m doing them. So then this is ‘Bear Claw’, ‘Turkey Leg’ and ‘Old Lady’.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 11: “The One with All the Resolutions”
“Monica: This is insane.
Phoebe: What’s the big deal? You know, it’s not like it’s a real marriage.
Phoebe: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, you’re only married in Vegas.
Monica: What are you talking about? If you get married in Vegas, you’re married everywhere.
Phoebe: Oh, my God! Oh, well.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 1: “The One After Vegas”
“Phoebe: What if I’d taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and he said I had a knack for stocks.
Rachel: Well, why didn’t you take the job?
Phoebe: Because at that time, you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So, I thought if I worked with stocks, I’d have to live in a box and only eat lox and have a pet fox.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 15: “The One That Could Have Been (Part 1)”
“Phoebe: So maybe you don’t get her a ring. Maybe you do something different. An engagement bracelet. Or an engagement tiara. An engagement Revolutionary War musket.
Chandler: You know, I’m so glad I picked you to help me with this.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Can’t you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry?” Friends, Season Six, Episode 23: “The One with the Ring”
“Phoebe: What happened at dinner?
Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding.
Phoebe: My God, what did you order?” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 2: “The One with Rachel’s Book”
“Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?
Phoebe: You mean behind my back?” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 4: “The One with Rachel’s Assistant”
“Chandler: Who’s the father?
Phoebe: I can’t say.
Chandler: Why not?
Phoebe: I can’t say because he’s famous.
Rachel: Oh, my God, who is it?
Monica: Phoebe, come on, you have to tell us.
Phoebe: Okay. It’s James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby.
Chandler: As in Barbra Streisand’s husband, James Brolin?
Phoebe: What? Well, he never said that to me.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 1: “The One After ‘I Do'”
“Ross: [talking to Rachel’s pregnant belly] That’s right. I love you. And I’m gonna play with you all the time.
Phoebe: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that?
Rachel: He’s talking to the baby.
Phoebe: Oh! Okay. Okay, because when he said, ‘I can’t wait to hear your first words’ I thought, ‘There’s a trick’.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 10: “The One with Monica’s Boots”
“Phoebe: What’s going on, Joe?
Joey: Listen, I need a good lie.
Phoebe: Oh. Okay. How about the whole “man walking on the moon” thing, you know? You can see the strings, people!” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 8: “The One with Rachel’s Other Sister”
The Best Angry and Shouty Phoebe Buffay Quotes
Phoebe was also great at getting a bit carried away or angry and screaming some of her lines. These are the best Phoebe from Friends quotes from when she was angry or just yelling really loudly in shock or excitement.
“Phoebe: Think about it. It’s a taxi that people take when they need to relax.
Rachel: It’s a Relaxi-Taxi!
Phoebe: The name was my favorite part!
Rachel: Well, I came up with it.
Phoebe: You did not! No, you came up with Relaxi-Cab. That’s not good.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 17: “The One with the Free Porn”
“Phoebe: [on the phone] No, no! I’ll be nice, I swear. Could you just give me the number for where they are?
The Housekeeper: I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to divulge that information.
Phoebe: Okay, look. Somebody is on their way to ruin the wedding, and I have to warn somebody. All right. So if you don’t give me that number, then I’m gonna come over there and I’m gonna kick your snooty ass all the way to New Gloucenshire! Hello? Hello? She knew I could kick her ass.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 24: “The One with Ross’s Wedding (Part 2)”
“Phoebe: Oh, look! There’s Monica and Chandler. Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! [sees them undressing each other] Oh! Oh! Oh! Chandler and Monica! Chandler and Monica!
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: Chandler and Monica!
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: Oh, my eyes! My eyes!” Friends, Season Five, Episode 14: “The One Where Everybody Finds Out”
“Rachel: Pheebs, I want to ask you something. Since I’m moving out, and you’re so beautiful, how about I move in with you?
Phoebe: Well, that would be great, but then what do we do about Denise?
Monica: Who’s Denise?
Phoebe: My roommate.
Rachel: You have a roommate?
Phoebe: Yes, Denise. Denise.
Joey: What is with the secrecy, Phoebe? And what about this Denise? Is she cute?
Chandler: Pheebs, I don’t understand. How can you have a roommate that none of us know about?
Phoebe: Maybe because you never listen to anything that I say. I talk about her all the time. [screams] Denise!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 3: “The One with Ross’s Denial”
“Phoebe: Something’s missing. Okay, let me see the ring that my friend picked out.
Jeweler: Where’s the 1920s princess-cut ring?
Sales Woman: I just sold it to that gentleman.
Phoebe: Oh, my God. Wait, stop. [Alarm blares, iron bars trap Phoebe] Let me out! Now! [Phoebe aims the musket at the jeweler]” Friends, Season Six, Episode 23: “The One with the Ring”
“[talking to a fire alarm] How could you be beeping? I just disconnected you! I took out your battery! How can-? [beep] Don’t interrupt me!” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 12: “The One Where They’re Up All Night”
“Okay, so this wire is connected to this wire, which plugs into here. Okay, so to get the beeping to stop, all I have to do… [Phoebe smashes the smoke detector with her shoe] Okay. Well done, Pheebs. [beeping – she screams] What do you want from me?!” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 12: “The One Where They’re Up All Night”
“Chandler: You know, it’s been a while since we screamed something. Maybe we should.
Phoebe: Oh, okay.
Chandler: Oh, come on!
Phoebe: No! Damn you, ref! You burn in hell!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 9: “The One with the Rumor”
“Phoebe: Please get the tickets.
Ross: I’m sorry, Pheebs. I just can’t do it.
Phoebe: Yes, you can. Sting says so himself.
Phoebe: [singing to the tune of Roxanne] Ross can!
Ross: Look, I’m sorry-
Phoebe: [singing] Ross can!
Phoebe: [singing] Ross can get me the tickets! [yells] Ross can get me the tickets!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 10: “The One with Monica’s Boots”
“Ross: Quick thing. I went to talk to Mike.
Phoebe: What? What did you-? What did you do, Ross?
Ross: Oh, boy. You got mad at that part. I went over there, you know, to tell him how- Oh, how great you are. But- Well, you know me. Blah-blah-blah. And I ended up telling him that-
Ross: Um. You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.
Phoebe: What? Why?
Ross: Well, he seemed to bum hard when I told him that you’d never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe: If you hadn’t just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 4: “The One with the Sharks”
“Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby’s sock is on the ground.
Phoebe: It’s a good toast.
Rachel: Look, will you please get her attention?
Ross: Oh. Mommy? Mother. [mouths] Sock.
Phoebe: Oh, for God’s sake. Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock!” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 5: “The One with Phoebe’s Birthday Dinner”
“Monica: Oh, my God, that’s Charlie.
Chandler: She’s cheating on Joey with Ross.
Phoebe: Oh, that tart! Floozy! Giant!” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 1: “The One After Rachel and Joey Kiss”
“Precious: I just can’t believe this. Why?
Phoebe: Well, I don’t-
Precious: Why would he do this? What’s wrong with me?
Phoebe: There’s nothing wrong with you.
Precious: What the hell am I supposed to do now?
Phoebe: Damn it, woman! Pull yourself together! Have some pride, for the love of God! [Precious cries] Okay, not a fan of the tough love.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 1: “The One After Rachel and Joey Kiss”
“Announcer: Knicks fans, please turn your attention to the big screen on the scoreboard. Someone has a special question to ask.
Phoebe: Mike Hannigan, will you marry me?
Announcer: Get a load of this. She’s proposing to him! Guess we know who wears the pants in that family.
Phoebe: Well, that’s not very enlightened. Hey! Hey! Boo us? Boo you!” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 5: “The One Where Rachel’s Sister Babysits”
“Phoebe: My cab’s downstairs, I’ll drive you to the airport.
Ross: Okay, guys, wish me luck.
Phoebe: [yells] Hurry!” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 17: “The Last One (Part 1)”
“Joey: But Ross- Ross, what do you think she’s going to say?
Ross: I don’t know, but I- Look, even if she shoots me down, at least I won’t spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. Where- Where is my coat?!
Phoebe: [yells] You didn’t bring one!” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 17: “The Last One (Part 1)”
“Guy: [getting in the cab with Phoebe and Ross] 18th and East End.
Phoebe: I don’t take passengers.
Guy: Hey, the law says you have to accept any fare.
Ross: No, you don’t understand. This isn’t a real cab.
Guy: All right, I gotta report you. What’s your medallion number?
Phoebe: My medallion number is: [yells] Get out of the cab!
Ross: [yells] Get out of the cab!
Phoebe: [yells] Get out of the cab!” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 18: “The Last One (Part 2)”
“Gate Attendant: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Excuse me, sir, do you have a boarding pass?
Ross: No, no, I just have to talk to someone.
Gate Attendant: I’m sorry, you cannot go any further without a boarding pass.
Ross: No, no, no, but-
Phoebe: [screams] Raaaacheeeeel!” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 18: “The Last One (Part 2)”
Best Fake Posh Quotes by Phoebe Buffay
Phoebe had a troubled past, including time spent living on the streets. She was still very good at putting on a fake posh accent when she felt it was needed, which was also very entertaining. These are our favorite lines from Phoebe pretending to be someone a bit more fancy.
“Phoebe: [answering Chandler’s phone in a sultry voice] Mr. Bing’s office. No, sorry, he’s in a meeting right now.
Chandler: I’m not in a meeting. I’m right-
Phoebe: And will he know what this is in reference to? And he has your number? All right, I’ll see that he gets the message. Bye-bye. [normal voice] Ross says hi.” Friends, Season One, Episode 22: “The One with the Ick Factor”
“The Housekeeper: [answering the phone] The Waltham residence.
Phoebe: Hi. Is this Emily’s parents’ house?
The Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking. And, by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses a person on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak.
Phoebe: [in a British accent] This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if it’s not too much trouble, please, might I speak with Miss Emily Waltham, please?” Friends, Season Four, Episode 24: “The One with Ross’s Wedding (Part 2)”
“Waiter: So, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?
Phoebe: Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah. Their, um- Their arrival is in the offing.
Waiter: Right, we do have a table for two available. Perhaps you’d be more-
Joey: No, they’re coming. We’ll wait right here.
Phoebe: Oh, Joseph. [to the waiter] One needn’t worry. They shan’t be long.
Waiter: It’s just that we do have some large parties waiting.
Phoebe: Oh, one really does have a stick up one’s ass, doesn’t one?” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 5: “The One with Phoebe’s Birthday Dinner”
Mike: Mom, Dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents, Theodore and Bitsy.
Phoebe: [in Katharine Hepburn voice] Theodore, Bitsy. What a delight.
Bitsy: It’s so nice to finally meet you.
Phoebe: And you. Your home is lovely.
Bitsy: Well, thank you. I’ll give you a tour later. It’s actually three floors.
Phoebe: Holy crap!” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 7: “The One with Ross’s Inappropriate Song”
“Mike: Mom, Dad. Thanks for dinner.
Phoebe: I had a great time. [as Katharine Hepburn] It was really top-drawer. And here’s something rich. Thirteen bathrooms in this place, I threw up in the coat closet. Ta-ta!” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 7: “The One with Ross’s Inappropriate Song”
“Monica: I didn’t say your songs weren’t good enough.
Phoebe: Well, then what’s wrong with them? What, they don’t go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?
Monica: Tiny portions?
Phoebe: Yeah, well, ‘Excuse me. I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but I can’t see it. I can’t see it’.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 19: “The One with Rachel’s Dream”
Funniest Phoebe Buffay Quotes
Aside from all the other sections we’ve done so far, Phoebe was also just as funny as the rest of the Friends gang at times. Here are our favorite just plain funny quotes by Phoebe Buffay.
“Joey: It’s a fertility study.
Monica: Joey, please tell me you’re only donating your time.
Joey: Come on, you guys, it’s not that big a deal. I just go down there every other day and make my contribution to the project. But at the end of two weeks, I get $700!
Phoebe: Wow. You’re gonna be making money hand over fist.” Friends, Season One, Episode 24: “The One Where Rachel Finds Out”
“Phoebe: Oh, hang in there. It’s gonna happen.
Ross: Now, how do you know that?
Phoebe: Because she’s your lobster.
Chandler: Oh, she’s going somewhere.
Phoebe: Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, holding claws, like… [links her fingers]” Friends, Season Two, Episode 14: “The One with the Prom Video”
“Give me a second. I want to get this just right. [clears throat then talks in a deep voice] Dude, eleven o’clock, totally hot babe checking you out. [normal voice] That was really good. I think I’m ready for my penis now!” Friends, Season Two, Episode 14: “The One with the Prom Video”
“Phoebe: The voice woman. I mean she has a great voice, but she doesn’t have a video.
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, but what about you?
Phoebe: Well, I have a video. You have to pay attention. This voice woman, she’s so talented. But according to the producer people, they said she doesn’t have the right look or something. She’s like one of those animals at the pound who, like, nobody wants because they’re not pretty enough. Or you know, like some old dog who’s kind of like stinky and- Oh, my God. She’s “smelly cat”. Oh, that song has so many levels.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 17: “The One Where Eddie Moves In”
“Rachel: Hey, guys, does this look like something the girlfriend of a palaeontologist would wear?
Phoebe: I don’t know. You might be the first one.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 2: “The One Where No One’s Ready”
“Phoebe: Mr. Heckles, no. No one is making any noise up here.
Mr. Heckles: You’re disturbing my oboe practice.
Phoebe: You don’t play the oboe.
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe.
Phoebe: Then I’m gonna have to ask you to keep it down.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 6: “The One with the Flashback”
“Monica: Was it Gina?
Ross: Which one’s Gina?
Rachel: The dark, big hair, with airplane earrings.
Monica: No, no, no. That’s not Gina, that’s Dina.
Chandler: See? You can’t tell which is which either. Mwah!
Phoebe: We didn’t fool around with any of them. Mwah mwah!” Friends, Season Three, Episode 11: “The One Where Chandler Can’t Remember Which Sister”
“Doctor: It’ll take a little while to prepare the embryos.
Phoebe: Embryos? As in more than one?
Doctor: Five, actually.
Phoebe: Five? Okay, where am I giving birth in a hospital or a big box under the stairs?” Friends, Season Four, Episode 12: “The One with the Embryos”
“Phoebe: Look, Rachel, if you go you’re just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding. You know, it’s too late. You missed your chance. I’m sorry. This must be hard. But it’s over.
Rachel: [sighs] You know what, no. It’s not over until someone says, “l do.”
Phoebe: I do! I do! I do! I do! [talking to herself] Yeah, like I can really chase you. I’m carrying a litter.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 23: “The One with Ross’s Wedding (Part 1)”
“Ross: Why are you mad at me?
Phoebe: You said I was boring. Oh.
Ross: When did I say you were boring.
Phoebe: Oh, my God. I remember now. We were playing chess.
Ross: Phoebe, you and l have never played chess.
Phoebe: Oh, come on. Yes. Remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess. You said I was boring. And then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz. Okay, there’s a chance this may have been a dream.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 22: “The One with Joey’s Big Break”
“Ross: Wait, hello. We didn’t get married.
Rachel: No, we didn’t get married. That’s ridi– [both gasp]
Ross: Wait, wait, wait. I remember being in a chapel. But they would not let us get married when we were that drunk.
Joey: They let you get married when you’re drunk. Most people who get married in Vegas are drunk.
Phoebe: Yeah, I’m drunk right now. What I can’t have a mimosa with breakfast? I’m on vacation.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 1: “The One After Vegas”
“Phoebe: Oh, that’s your thing.
Phoebe: Your thing, your thing. You’re the guy who gets divorced.
Chandler: Oh, yeah.
Ross: No, no, that’s not “my thing.” I do not love getting divorced.
Phoebe: Yes, you do. This is your third divorce. You love divorce so much, you’re probably gonna marry it [laughs] …and then it won’t work out, so you’re gonna have to divorce it. Divorcing guy. [laughs] I’m so drunk.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 1: “The One After Vegas”
“Ross: [practising his lecture] There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further sub-categorized into two…
Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This is what’s gonna kill me.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 4: “The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance”
“Rachel: What’s the matter?
Phoebe: Well, it’s just one of these situations that I just hate. You know, a massage client gave me three tickets to the Helmut Peltz Exhibit at the Morgan Chase Museum.
Joey: Now you’re thinking you gotta sleep with him.
Phoebe: No. No, it’s just that he gave me three tickets and there are six of us.
Chandler: I’ll give up my ticket.
Joey: Me, too.
Phoebe: Okay. That’s so generous.
Chandler: And I think Ross is generous, too.
Phoebe: Great. Okay, then it’s just us girls.
Rachel: Yeah. So what is the exhibit?
Phoebe: It’s mostly just photographs of, um, lesbian love scenes interspersed with video games and free sandwiches.
Joey: Oh, man!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 22: “The One Where Paul’s the Man”
“Phoebe: [answers phone] Hi, Geller-Bing residence. How can I help?
Monica: Phoebe, why is there a dog in our apartment?
Phoebe: I’m sorry, who’s this?
Monica: Phoebe, there’s a dog sitting on my couch.
Chandler: Tell her I’m allergic, and I will sue!
Phoebe: No, there’s no dog here.
Monica: Yes, there is! He’s black and white and shaggy, and he’s sitting next to Rachel and licking Rachel’s hand.
Phoebe: Oh, my God! Where are you?
Monica: I’ll be right there. [knock at the door]
Phoebe: They’re here already? How are they doing this?!” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 8: “The One Where Chandler Doesn’t Like Dogs”
“Phoebe: It just seems pretty wild. And you’re so vanilla.
Rachel: Vanilla? I’m not vanilla. I do lots of crazy things. I mean, I got drunk and married in Vegas.
Phoebe: To Ross.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 20: “The One with Rachel’s Big Kiss”
“Joey: It’s a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Now, I always felt that you and I have a special bond. So, Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Monica: Oh, my God! Joey!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, I’ll marry you.
Monica: You can’t marry him!
Phoebe: Hey, lady, your day’s over, it’s my turn.
Joey: What? Why can’t she marry me?
Phoebe: I can and I will. [gives him a kiss]
Monica: She’s not pregnant. It’s Rachel. Rachel’s the one who’s pregnant, okay.
Joey: Oh, my God.
Monica: Phoebe, I think he’d notice when you didn’t have a baby in nine months.
Phoebe: It’s Joey! [mouths] I love you!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 2: “The One with the Red Sweater”
“Ross: You guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there’s something else. Rachel’s pregnant.
Phoebe: Holy mother of God!
Joey: Oh, my God. I can’t believe it!
Ross: With my child.
Phoebe: That is brand-new information!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 3: “The One Where Rachel Tells…”
“Rachel: Well, we were paying for our stuff, and this sales woman just started flirting with him. Can you believe that?
Phoebe: Well, did she know you two weren’t married?
Phoebe: Oh, my God. Well, the idea of a woman flirting with a single man? We must alert the church elders.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 21: “The One with the Cooking Class”
“Monica: She’s asleep. I got her to go to sleep. I have actual magical powers.
Phoebe: I can hear traffic and birds. I can hear the voices in my head again. I’m kidding.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 2: “The One Where Emma Cries”
“Mike: One more thing. There might be a picture of Precious on my coffee table.
Phoebe: Her name’s Precious? Is she a pure breed, or did you pick her up at the pound?
Mike: I just wanted to give you a heads up.
Phoebe: Okay. And if she gets upset just scratch her tummy and give her a liver snap.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 1: “The One After Rachel and Joey Kiss”
“Chandler: I’m so glad we’re having a rehearsal dinner. I rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them.
Phoebe: What did we say was your one gift to us?
Chandler: No stupid jokes. But I thought that was for the actual wedding.
Phoebe: Rehearse it.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 12: “The One with Phoebe’s Wedding”
Best Phoebe Buffay Quotes About Sex
It was always implied that Phoebe was a little bit naughty or at least more adventurous than the others when it came to sex. These are our favorite naughty quotes from Phoebe where she’s talking about sex, or implying it.
“Phoebe: So, Chandler, I’d love to come by tonight.
Phoebe: Oh, absolutely. Shall we say, around 7?
Phoebe: Good. I’m really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 14: “The One Where Everybody Finds Out”
“Monica: Phoebe, you have a twig in your hair.
Phoebe: Oh. Um, we kind of took a little detour on our way over here.
Gary: Yeah. We were strolling through the park and no one was around, so.
Monica: You didn’t.
Phoebe: We did! We violated section 12, paragraph 7 of the criminal code.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 17: “The One with Rachel’s Inadvertent Kiss”
“Joey: That’s great, but isn’t it going to bother you that people still think you’re a porn star?
Phoebe: Oh, no, I know how to handle it.
Phoebe: Yeah. [to a random guy] You trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I’ll give you a hint. [starts yelling] From porn! Yeah, your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 14: “The One Where Chandler Can’t Cry”
“Monica: [when Emma won’t stop crying] Oh, my God, I’m losing my mind.
Phoebe: Yeah, no kidding. All right, this just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross!” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 2: “The One Where Emma Cries”
“Rachel: I’m hoping that if she hears it enough, it’ll be her first word.
Ross: Although if we’re gonna do that, we should probably call me “Daddy” too.
Phoebe: Ooh. I like that, Daddy.
Ross: I was just talking about Rachel.
Phoebe: Is Daddy getting angry? Is Daddy gonna spank me?” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 18: “The One with the Lottery”
“Mike: [during a game of ping pong] It’s okay. I don’t care which of them I beat.
Phoebe: Okay, we’re taking that paddle home, mister.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 24: “The One in Barbados (Part 2)”
“Chandler: So you must be going somewhere fancy to celebrate?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. A Knicks game.
Joey: Aren’t you a little overdressed?
Phoebe: Hey, you know what, I’ve never had a one-year anniversary before so no matter where we go, I’m wearing something fancy and I’m gonna put on my finest jewelry and we’re gonna have sex in a public restroom.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 5: “The One Where Rachel’s Sister Babysits”
“Once we’re in the air and the captain turns off the seat belt sign you feel free to roam about my cabin.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 1: “The One After Rachel and Joey Kiss”
“Phoebe: Maybe when you get home, maybe there’ll be a special delivery package waiting for you.
Mike: Maybe I’ll sign for it, tear it open. Pull out the packing material-
Phoebe: You know what, we’re gonna have sex. Let’s leave it there.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 1: “The One After Rachel and Joey Kiss”
“Oh, come on, Mike, strap on a pair. Why don’t you tell her that we got back together. Women appreciate honesty. We also appreciate a gentle spanking once in a while, just FYI.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 1: “The One After Rachel and Joey Kiss”
“Chandler: [talking about fluffy handcuffs] Well, if they are not Monica’s and they’re not yours, then whose are they?
Rachel: Well, I think you’re forgetting the kinkiest former resident of that room.
Chandler: I think these are yours.
Phoebe: These are not mine. Look how flimsy they are. Come on. Good God. You try to hang a guy from a water pipe with these, they’ll snap like a piece of licorice.
Chandler: You don’t really handcuff guys to water pipes, do you?
Phoebe: Where do you think Mike really is?” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 16: “The One with Rachel’s Going Away Party”
Best Regina Phalange Quotes
Phoebe’s alter-ego of Regina Phalange was also one of the funniest running gags in the series, although she didn’t make that many appearances. Here are the best lines by Phoebe pretending to be Regina Phalange.
“Andrea Waltham: [answering the phone] Yes, Waltham lnteriors.
Phoebe: Hello, this is Ross Geller’s personal physician, Dr. Phalange.
Andrea Waltham: Who?
Phoebe: Yeah, I discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine. Now, without it, in the brain of Ross women’s names are interchangeable. Through no fault of his own.
Andrea Waltham: Oh, my God. Phoebe.
Phoebe: No, not Phoebe. Dr. Phalange. Oh, no. You have it too!” Friends, Season Five, Episode 1: “The One After Ross Says Rachel”
“Hello, my name is Regina Phalange. I’m a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? Oh, what did I do with my Filofax? I must’ve left it in Conference Room B.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 24: “The One in Vegas (Part 2)”
“Security Guard: Didn’t I just throw you out?
Phoebe: No, you threw out Phoebe. I’m Regina Phalange. Phalange.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 24: “The One in Vegas (Part 2)”
“Melissa: Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority?
Phoebe: Of course. Yes, I was a, um… Thigh Mega Tampon.
Melissa: What one?
Phoebe: Yeah. You know, we were really huge, but then they had to shut us down when Regina Phalange died of alcohol poisoning.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 20: “The One with Rachel’s Big Kiss”
“Monica: I still don’t get why Greg and Jennie would give us a fake number.
Joey: You know, if they knew what they were doing, they didn’t give you real names either.
Monica: Okay. Maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don’t give out fake names.
Joey: Oh, yeah? Hi. Ken Adams. Nice to meet you.
Phoebe: [shaking hands] Regina Phalange.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 4: “The One with the Videotape”
“Phoebe: We’ll just do our best, okay. So, let’s say that I’m the interviewer and I’m meeting you for the first time.
Phoebe: Hi. Come on in. I’m Regina Phalange.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 21: “The One with the Cooking Class”
“[in a French accent] Uh, excuse me? Uh, I am Regine Phalange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of … Estée Lauder.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 13: “The One Where Joey Speaks French”
Did We Miss Any of Your Favorite Phoebe Buffay Quotes?
Let us know in the comments below!