The 100+ Best Monica Geller Quotes, Lines & Sayings from Friends

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As the younger sister of Ross, Monica Geller was often called the glue that held the six friends together in Friends.

From her purple-walled apartment where everybody liked to hang out, to her obsessions with cleaning, winning, good food and being the hostess, it’s safe to say there’s a little Monica Geller in all of us!

While she wasn’t known for being “the funny one” she still managed to have plenty of funny lines (it was a sitcom after all) which we’ve rounded up here today.

So sit back, relax and enjoy the best of Monica Geller, perhaps with some homemade cookies!


The Most Iconic and Well-Known Monica Geller Quotes

From being bossy to being too shy to talk to Jean-Claude Van Damme, Monica’s personality had many facets. These are the most famous Monica Geller quotes that you probably can easily remember, but are still great to look back at!


“Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re gonna love it.” Friends, Season One, Episode 1: “The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate”

Rachel: So why don’t you go over and talk to him? Go tell him he’s cute. What’s the worst that could happen?
Monica: He could hear me.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 13: “The One After the Superbowl”

“Oh, damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish!” Friends, Season Four, Episode 1: “The One with the Jellyfish”

“[yelling] I know!” Friends, Multiple Seasons and Episodes

“You don’t tell me what to do. I tell you what to do.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 23: “The One in Barbados (Part 1)”

The Best Monica Geller Quotes About Winning and Losing

Ross and Monica were both very competitive, although Monica was usually a bit more vocal about it! These are the best Monica Geller sayings that illustrate how she feels about winning or losing anything.


Monica: Anyway, Ross and I were always captains. It got kind of competitive, and one year, Geller Bowl VI, I accidentally broke Ross’ nose.
Ross: It was so not an accident. She saw I was about to tag her, so she threw her big fat grandma-arm elbow in my face and just kept running.
Monica: To score the winning touchdown, by the way.
Ross: You did not win the game. The touchdown didn’t count because of the spectacularly illegal, and – by the way, savage – nose-breaking.
Monica: I won the game.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 9: “The One with the Football”

“I wanna beat you when you can’t blame it on the broken nose or the buzzer or the fact that you thought you might be coming down with mono.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 9: “The One with the Football”

“Why can’t you just accept that we’re winning because I’m better than you? [Ross splutters] Oh, what a great argument. Exhaling.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 9: “The One with the Football”

Chandler: I think we should let them win the next game.
Monica: I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you just said.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 12: “The One with Chandler’s Work Laugh”

Monica: We own those two. Look at them. He can’t even breathe, and she’s popping pills.
Chandler: You’re not giving them a chance.
Monica: They have rackets, don’t they?” Friends, Season Five, Episode 12: “The One with Chandler’s Work Laugh”

Monica: I can’t believe you let them win.
Chandler: Well, at least you hid your feelings well about it. [holding up a destroyed tennis racket]
Monica: I was frustrated.
Chandler: It’s my racket.
Monica: I was frustrated with you.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 12: “The One with Chandler’s Work Laugh”

Monica: See? It’s no big deal.
Chandler: But now you’re crying.
Monica: I’m not crying about that. I’m crying about something at work.
Chandler: What?
Monica: My boyfriend said he didn’t like my massages.
Chandler: It’s okay. You don’t have to be best at everything.
Monica: Oh, my God. You don’t know me at all!” Friends, Season Five, Episode 13: “The One with Joey’s Bag”

Monica: Make her think you want to have sex with her and it will freak her out.
Chandler: Okay, how far am I gonna have to go with her?
Monica: She’ll give in way before you do.
Chandler: How do you know?
Monica: Because you’re on my team. And my team always wins.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 14: “The One Where Everybody Finds Out”

Chandler: What was Phoebe’s secret?
Monica: Nancy Thompson, from Phoebe’s old massage place, is getting fired.
Chandler: That’s it? I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
Monica: That’s right. You lose, sucker! Please still marry me.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 4: “The One with Rachel’s Assistant”

Chandler: No, we are playing this game I learned at work. You have to name all the states in six minutes.
Ross: What? That’s like insanely easy.
Chandler: No, it’s a lot harder than it sounds. You always forget at least one. Or in some cases, fourteen.
Monica: It’s a stupid game and I wasn’t playing with people, so technically, I didn’t lose.
Ross: You forgot 14 states?
Monica: Nobody cares about the Dakotas!” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 8: “The One Where Chandler Doesn’t Like Dogs”

Monica: We’re going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It’s time you two talked. And I want to get to know my father-in-law.
Chandler: When we went over this, I won.
Monica: No, you didn’t. And, honey, just so you know. Now that you’re marrying me, you don’t get to win anymore.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 22: “The One with Chandler’s Dad”

Chandler: Okay, but I’m just doing this for you.
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore?
Monica: How much did you ever really win before?” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 22: “The One with Chandler’s Dad”

“Oh! Relinquish is just a fancy word for lose!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 7: “The One with the Stain”

Monica: Come on, you guys, it’ll be fun.
Phoebe: All right. I’ll play if we don’t keep score.
Monica: Well, then how do we know who wins?
Phoebe: Nobody wins.
Monica: So we’re just four losers. Super.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 24: “The One in Barbados (Part 2)”

“Don’t get too cocky. Remember, I won the last one. Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl?” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 24: “The One in Barbados (Part 2)”

“I can’t believe it. I lost.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 24: “The One in Barbados (Part 2)”

The Best Monica Geller Quotes About Food and Being a Chef

We’re going to leave out the problematic episodes and jokes about Monica being “fat” in the past – but she was definitely a foodie plus her career as a cook/caterer/chef featured a lot in the series. These are the best quotes by Monica about food, cooking and being a chef.


Monica: These are rock shrimp ravioli in a cilantro ponzu sauce with just a touch of minced – [Steve eats them all] – ginger.
Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic!
Monica: Gosh! I’m so glad you liked them.
Steve: Like them? I could eat 100 of them!
Monica: Oh. Well, that’s all there is of these, but in about eight and a half minutes, we’ll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.” Friends, Season One, Episode 15: “The One with the Stoned Guy”

Monica: That’s it! That’s it. Dinner is over!
Steve: What! Why? Why?
Monica: Because I’ve waited seven years for an opportunity like this and you can’t wait 4-and-a-half minutes for a stupid, onion tartlet?” Friends, Season One, Episode 15: “The One with the Stoned Guy”

Mr. Rastatter: Well, anyhoo, we’re looking for a couple of chefs who can create Thanksgiving recipes. You think you might be interested?
Monica: Abso-[swallowing]-lutely! See, I love creating recipes, I love Thanksgiving, and now I love Mockolate.
Mr. Rastatter: Really?
Monica: Especially that aftertaste. I tell you that’ll last you till Christmas.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 8: “The One with the List”

“All right, look, Ross. I realize you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you. I really do. But if you don’t help me cook, I’m gonna take a bunch of those hot dogs and create a new appetizer called ‘Pigs In Ross’.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 11: “The One with the Lesbian Wedding”

Rachel: Hey, how’d the interview go?
Monica: It bit. It was a ’50s theme restaurant. I’d have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean, I was a sous chef at Café des Artistes. How can I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne-and-Curly Fries?” Friends, Season Two, Episode 21: “The One with the Bullies”

“I’m going into business. I’m sick of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan. A plan to get over my man. What’s the opposite of man? Jam!” Friends, Season Three, Episode 3: “The One with the Jam”

Monica: Pete, can I get you something else?
Pete: I’ll have a slice of cheesecake and a date, if you’re giving them out.
Monica: Heh. Haven’t you and I covered that topic?
Pete: Come on. You just said to her-
Monica: You only want to go out with me because of my wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 18: “The One with the Hypnosis Tape”

“This has been, like, my dream since I got my first Easy-Bake Oven and opened Easy-Monica’s Bakery.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 21: “The One with a Chick and a Duck”

Rachel: How’d it go?
Monica: Oh, my God. It was, like, the best funeral ever. Everyone loved the food. And guess what, I even got another funeral for tomorrow. The dead guy from today’s best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 6: “The One with the Dirty Girl”

Allesandro: I want a retraction. Our food is not “inedible swill.”
Monica: I couldn’t eat it. I have five friends who couldn’t eat it, and one of them eats books.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 9: “The One Where They’re Going to a Party”

“Your marinara sauce tastes like tomato juice. You should serve it with vodka and celery.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 9: “The One Where They’re Going to a Party”

Monica: No. You know, the fantasy. Meet someone from a strange land, fall madly in love and spend the rest of your lives together.
Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the only one who hung out with that Ukrainian kid?
Monica: Yeah, that. Plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 17: “The One with the Free Porn”

Rachel: I’m making him a very fancy meal. What am I making him, by the way?
Monica: [who is actually cooking] A frisée salad with goat cheese and pine nuts, wild rice, roasted asparagus and salmon en croûte.
Rachel: I thought I was making him filet mignon.
Monica: Yeah, you were. But then ‘you’ decided to make salmon because you had some left over. Then you realized if you bitched about it, then ‘you’ would stop cooking and you would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 18: “The One with Rachel’s New Dress”

Monica: Hey, Chandler. Did you like the macaroni and cheese?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. It was great. You should be a chef.
Monica: Okay!” Friends, Season Five, Episode Eight: “The One with All the Thanksgivings”

“Well, I’ve tried everything. I give up. I guess I’m not gonna be the mom who makes the world’s best chocolate chip cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe. [sniffling] Kids love that, right?” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 3: “The One with Phoebe’s Cookies”

Monica: She sent the chicken back again?
Waitress: She said it’s too dry now and she wants to explain to you how she wants it.
Monica: Fine. I’d like to meet this chicken expert. Send the colonel in.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 7: “The One with Ross’s Library Book”

Monica: I can’t wait to see everything again. All the memories.
Jack Geller: Well, I don’t know what’s in the boxes down here. But I do know there are six or seven Easy-Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica: I used to love to play restaurant.
Ross: Yeah, not as much as you loved to play “uncooked batter eater.”
Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 13: “The One Where Rosita Dies”

Phoebe: So do you really like it?
Monica: Are you kidding? I practically spent my entire childhood at the arcade. This was like my second favorite game.
Phoebe: Oh, really. What was your first?
Monica: I don’t remember the name.
Chandler: Well, what did it do?
Monica: Well, you’d put a quarter in, pull some handles and you’d win, like, a candy bar or something.
Chandler: A vending machine?
Monica: Hey. Don’t feel bad for me. I won every time!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 12: “The One Where Joey Dates Rachel”

Don: But when it comes to cheese, I am one of those people who thinks the smellier, the better.
Monica: Me too! Yeah, Chandler can’t stand it. He won’t even allow me to have blue cheese in the house.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 16: “The One Where Joey Tells Rachel”

“You know what I’d love to do? I would like to go to France and eat nothing but bread and cheese. Not even bread. Just cheese. No, I want the bread. And pastries. And pâté.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 16: “The One Where Joey Tells Rachel”

Don: Well, if ever you’re in Loire Valley, let me know. I’ve got a great little villa you could stay at.
Chandler: Is it made of cheese?
Don: No. But God, a house made of cheese, wouldn’t that be incredible?
Monica: I’d move in tomorrow!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 16: “The One Where Joey Tells Rachel”

Teacher: I think you should give him your star.
Monica: Excuse me? He doesn’t even know what he’s doing.
Teacher: We’re all beginners here. Nobody knows what they’re doing.
Monica: I do. I’m a professional chef! [all gasp] Oh, relax. It’s not a courtroom drama.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 21: “The One with the Cooking Class”

The Best Monica Geller Quotes About Cleaning

Another thing we all know about Monica Geller is that she was a little bit obsessive about things being clean and tidy. Here are her best lines about cleaning and things related to having a tidy home.


Chandler: [looking at a credit card receipt] Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
Monica: That’s me.” Friends, Season One, Episode 21: “The One with the Fake Monica”

Phoebe: Here’s Monica. She’ll have something nice to say.
Monica: I straightened out your shower curtain so you won’t get mildew. What? To me, that’s nice.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 18: “The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies”

Richard: Are you remaking the bed?
Monica: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You know, the way you did it, it was just fine.
Richard: Then you’re redoing it because?
Monica: If I tell you, you’ll think I’m crazy.
Richard: You’re pretty much running that risk either way.
Monica: Okay. You see the duvet tag shouldn’t be at the top left corner it should be at the bottom right corner.
Richard: Uh-uh. That’s not so crazy.
Monica: I’m just easing you in. All right. You see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up not down because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don’t love me anymore, do you?
Richard: Actually, if it’s possible, I love you more.
Monica: Really? Wow. Well, then, come on. I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 23: “The One with the Chicken Pox”

Monica: I’ll be back in just a minute. Phoebe, I’m sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone.
Phoebe: You didn’t leave lipstick marks on the phone.
Monica: Oh. Then it must have been you.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 6: “The One with the Flashback”

Monica: Hi. You don’t know me. I’m Monica Geller, Ross’s sister.
Cheryl: Oh, yeah. It’s too bad that didn’t work out.
Monica: Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, well, I couldn’t sleep thinking about it. So would it be okay if I cleaned it? [Cheryl slams the door] No? [Monica starts cleaning the door frame]” Friends, Season Four, Episode 6: “The One with the Dirty Girl”

Monica: Now you go back out there and seduce her till she cracks.
Chandler: Okay. Give me a second. Did you clean up in here?
Monica: Of course.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 1: “The One Where Everybody Finds Out”

Monica: I’m sick of the signs. It’s too fast. I’m happy the way things are.
Chandler: Me too.
Monica: I don’t want change, do you?
Chandler: No.
Monica: All right then. Then nothing changes. Everything is great and everything stays the same. And you go unpack, because it’s been three days and it’s driving me insane!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 1: “The One After Vegas”

Joey: I figured if people keep seeing me just standing there, they’re gonna start to think I don’t own it. So I figure I’ll wash it, right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?
Monica: Oh, yeah. I got soap and sponges and rags and carnauba wax and polishing compound.
Chandler: You don’t even have a car.
Monica: I know. But one time there was this really dirty car parked in front of the building, so I washed it.
Chandler: And?
Monica: And six others.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 5: “The One with Joey’s Porsche”

Monica: What are you doing?
Rachel: I’m unpacking.
Monica: What?
Rachel: I’m not moving. Is that picture straight?
Monica: It needs to go about 20 blocks to the left.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 6: “The One on the Last Night”

Monica: Honey, it was a great idea, nailing the boxes to the floor.
Chandler: I didn’t nail the boxes to the floor.
Monica: Oh, so you can move them.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 7: “The One Where Phoebe Runs”

Chandler: Okay, don’t be mad, okay? But after I unpacked the boxes, I wanted to do something nice for you, so I cleaned the apartment. So I moved everything around, and then I forgot where it went back. I’m sorry, I’m very sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Monica: That’s okay. Chandler, are you afraid of me or something?
Chandler: Do you want me to be afraid of you?
Monica: Of course not. My gosh, Chandler, what you did is a wonderful thing and I really appreciate it. I know I have this weird thing where I want everything to be in the perfect place. But I would never expect you to worry about that.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 7: “The One Where Phoebe Runs”

Chandler: I told you. I can’t believe it. I’ve only got two hours until I call in sick for work.
Monica: I have to be up in seven minutes.
Chandler: Well, you’re not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: You want to?
Monica: Okay. You get the vacuum cleaner and I’ll get the furniture polish.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 12: “The One Where They’re Up All Night”

Monica: Oh, my God, you cleaned. Look at these floors. You did the windows. I have been begging you for months and you did, you cleaned. And nagging works!
Chandler: No, I didn’t actually do this.
Monica: Oh, no. Was I cleaning in my sleep again?
Chandler: I got a maid. Yay.
Monica: Well, I hope by “maid” you mean “mistress,” because if some other woman was here cleaning then-” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 7: “The One with the Stain”

Chandler: Look, she is really nice, and she mentioned that she adored the way that you arranged the sponges.
Monica: Did she really say that?
Chandler: Yes, I distinctly remember because I thought it was a joke. Now, just give her a chance, okay?
Monica: Fine, I can do it. [fidgets nervously]
Chandler: What’s the matter?
Monica: Well, usually when I’m this anxious, I clean.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 7: “The One with the Stain”

Brenda: Mrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible. Where did you get it?
Monica: Oh, well I make it myself. It’s two parts ammonia and one part lemon juice. Now, the secret ingredient is- You know what? We just met.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 7: “The One with the Stain”

Chandler: So you don’t want to live with Don in a cheese house?
Monica: No, I’ve had second thoughts about that. Do you realize how hard that would be to clean?” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 16: “The One Where Joey Tells Rachel”

Phoebe: [going into a dry cleaner’s] Oh, you didn’t have to come in with me.
Monica: Are you kidding? This is where they get out stains. This is like Disneyland for me. I’m gonna be over here watching the dance of the clean shirts.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 17: “The One with the Tea Leaves”

Monica: All right, hold on a sec.
Chandler: Period math?
Monica: Yeah. Well, we could start trying now.
Chandler: Right here?
Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.
Chandler: Wait a minute. It’s perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and we’re in a building that’s full of beds.
Monica: And it’s so clean!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 23: “The One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 1)”

Monica: [on the phone to Chandler] I love my new job!
Chandler: Honey, you’re screaming.
Monica: You bet your ass I am. I just had the best first day ever. The kitchen? Twice as big as Allessandro’s.
Chandler: Oh, that’s great.
Monica: And clean? Not just health department-clean, Monica-clean.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 5: “The One with Phoebe’s Birthday Dinner”

Rachel: Thanks for the party, honey. Should I help you clean up?
Monica: No way. You had your party. Now I have mine.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 12: “The One with Phoebe’s Rats”

Monica: What do you wanna do tonight?
Chandler: Oh, well, maybe we could- [Chandler sweeps everything off the coffee table]
Monica: Okay, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 21: “The One with the Fertility Test”

Monica: I’m not going to be a part of this. You can’t just bring some random guy home and expect him to be our sperm donor.
Chandler: Okay. [hands Zack a drink] Zack.
Zack: Thanks. Do you have a coaster? I don’t want to make a ring.
Monica: Tell me about yourself, Zack.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 22: “The One with the Donor”

Monica: I can’t just walk away. I’ve put in four hours. You knew this about me when you married me. You agreed to take me in sickness and in health. Well, this is my sickness.
Chandler: What about the obsessive cleaning?
Monica: That’s just good sense.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 24: The One in Barbados (Part 2)”

Rachel: Aw, look at her. So happy.
Monica: [while cleaning the vacuum with a mini vacuum] If only there were a smaller one to clean this one.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 10: “The One Where Chandler Gets Caught”

The Funniest Monica Geller Quotes

We mentioned that Monica wasn’t usually known for being the “funny friend” but she actually had a lot of clever and amusing lines. These are all the funniest quotes by Monica Geller.


Chandler: Richard’s going to the party too?
Monica: He’s my parents’ best friend. He has to go.
Joey: So is today the day you’ll tell them about you two?
Monica: Yeah, for my dad’s birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 16: “The One Where Joey Moves Out”

Ross: Call Joanna.
Monica: Did she leave a number?
Ross: Did you see me write one down?
Monica: I don’t have her number, butt-munch.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 17: “The One Where Eddie Moves In”

Richard: Well, you look great.
Monica: Right.
Richard: No, you do. You just-
Monica: What?
Richard: You got panties stuck to your leg.
Monica: Ahem, that’s because I was just grabbing some things out of the dryer, and static cling. Or maybe it’s just because God knew I’d be running into you and saw an opportunity.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 13: “The One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends”

Ross: Hey, you guys. Guess what?
Rachel: You got a job on a riverboat?
Ross: You know what, I didn’t wear this suit for a year, because you hated it. Well, guess what. You’re not my girlfriend anymore, so…
Rachel: Oh, I see. This suit is making a point. Now that you’re on your own, you’re free to look as stupid as you’d like.
Ross: You like it, right?
Monica: Absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 21: “The One with a Chick and a Duck”

Monica: “Chip” is Chip Matthews.
Ross: The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why’s he calling you?
Monica: Because I ran into him at the bank. He is still so cute.
Ross: Monica, you’re so lucky. He’s, like, the most popular guy in school.
Monica: I know!” Friends, Season Four, Episode 2: “The One with the Cat”

Rachel: What was that?
Ross: Monica knows.
Monica: It’s this dumb thing that Ross made up to try to fool our parents. It’s a way of giving the finger without actually having to give it. I remember I cried the night you made that up. It was the first time I realized I was cooler than my big brother.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 5: “The One with Joey’s New Girlfriend”

“Fine. Judge all you want to. But married a lesbian [to Ross], left a man at the altar [to Rachel], fell in love with a gay ice dancer [to Phoebe], threw a girl’s wooden leg in the fire [to Joey], livin’ in a box! [to Chandler]” Friends, Season Four, Episode 8: “The One with Chandler in a Box”

Joey: She keeps punching me.
Monica: In the cute, little sweet way she just did?
Joey: It’s a lot harder than it looks. She’s hurting me.
Monica: I know what you need. You need a bodyguard. Hey, Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?” Friends, Season Five, Episode 15: “The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey”

Chandler: It’ll be okay because when they come over, I will be all charming. I will make them love me and then we will tell them.
Monica: You really think that will that work?
Chandler: Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe. I won you over, didn’t l?
Monica: I don’t think you’ll ever get my parents that drunk.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 9: “The One Where Ross Got High”

Monica: [from out in the hall] I do not like that woman.
Joey: I can hear you!
Monica: I am loud.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 11: “The One with the Apothecary Table”

Monica: And then, you know, if I die, from a long illness, and you’re writing out my eulogy. And you open the desk drawer and you find a note from me that says: “I will always be with you”, and you still can’t shed one tiny tear? I know you’ll be crying a river inside.
Chandler: I love you.
Monica: What is wrong with you?!
Chandler: What?
Monica: What? You can’t shed a tear for your dead wife? I left you a note from the beyond!
Chandler: So you didn’t mean any of that?
Monica: No, you robot!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 14: “The One Where Chandler Can’t Cry”

Rachel: [on the phone] Hello? Rachel. [to the gang] You guys, someone is in our apartment. Call. The. Cops!
Monica: You’re on. The. Phone.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 18: “The One Where Ross Dates a Student”

Ross: Come on, guys. I really want this guy to like me. It would really help me out if you guys could be here to make me look good.
Monica: Of course we’ll help.
Ross: Thanks.
Monica: Yeah. We know how tough those parent-teacher conferences can be.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 21: “The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth’s Dad”

Monica: I thought you were going out with Elizabeth.
Ross: Yeah, I was. But she was a little busy with a water balloon fight.
Monica: Oh, Ross. Sometimes grownups have commitments they just can’t get out of.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 24: “The One with the Proposal (Part 1)”

“[while having photos taken] Chandler, what is the matter with your face? I mean, this picture is supposed to say “Geller and Bing to be married”, not “Local woman saves drowning moron.” [the photographer chuckles] Hey, don’t laugh at him. He’s my drowning moron.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 5: “The One with the Engagement Picture”

Monica: I can’t believe that sign didn’t work.
Chandler: You know what would work? Stop making candy.
Monica: But they like it.
Chandler: You mean they like you.
Monica: Maybe.
Chandler: Is that why you became a chef, so people would like you?
Monica: Oh. You really want to talk about getting people to like you, huh, funny man?” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 9: “The One with All the Candy”

Monica: Did you hear that? They bumped them up to first class because it’s their honeymoon. Come on, let’s act like we’re on our honeymoon.
Chandler: We are on our honeymoon.
Monica: Grab my ass.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 3: “The One Where Rachel Tells…”

Monica: We can’t let this tape wreck Valentine’s Day.
Chandler: You don’t know. You didn’t see it.
Monica: Chandler, childbirth it’s a natural thing. It’s beautiful.
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? You think this is beautiful? [turns on the birthing tape]
Monica: Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 15: “The One with the Birthing Video”

Monica: Well, you know Ross didn’t care enough to be here, so I think he’s out. You snooze, you lose.
Chandler: He’s not snoozing. He’s teaching a class.
Monica: Well, then somebody’s snoozing.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 22: “The One Where Rachel Is Late”

Chandler: How do you feel?
Erica: I’m tired.
Doctor: Well, you don’t have that much time to relax. The other one will be along in a minute.
Monica: I’m sorry, who should be along in a what now?
Doctor: The next baby should be along in a minute.
Monica: We only ordered one!” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 17: “The Last One (Part One)”

The Best Monica Geller Quotes About Love and Marriage

Monica always dreamed about getting married and often helped other people ensure their big day was perfect too. These are the best Monica Geller lines where she talks about marriage, weddings and love in general.


Monica: No fair. I don’t even have one. How come they get two?
Chandler: You’ll get one.
Monica: When?
Chandler: Okay, I’ll tell you what. When we’re 40, if neither of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?
Monica: Why won’t I be married when I’m 40?
Chandler: Oh, no, no. No, I just meant hypothetically.
Monica: Okay, hypothetically, why won’t I be married when I’m 40?
Chandler: No, no-
Monica: No, no, what is it? Seriously, is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?” Friends, Season One, Episode 23: “The One with the Birth”

Monica: Ross, how long have you been planning this wedding?
Ross: I don’t know. A month?
Monica: Emily’s probably been planning it since she was 5. Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. That’s what we did. We dreamed about the perfect wedding. [getting emotional] In the perfect place. With the perfect four-tiered wedding cake. With the little people on top. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 23: “The One with Ross’s Wedding (Part 1)”

Rachel: How’s Ross doing since all the Emily stuff?
Monica: He’s not great, but he’s dealing with it. Oh, wait a minute, you’re not going to try-
Rachel: Oh, honey, no. Please. I can’t get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he’s going to be screwed up for a long time. Besides, I don’t go for guys right after they get divorced.
Monica: Right, you only go for them five minutes before they get married.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 7: “The One Where Ross Moves In”

“Chandler, in all my life, I never thought I would be so lucky, as to fall in love with my best- [trying not to cry] My best- There’s a reason why girls don’t do this!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 25: “The One with the Proposal (Part 2)”

“I knew you were likely to take a wife!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 25: “The One with the Proposal (Part 2)”

Monica: I’m getting married! I’m gonna be a bride!
Man: Shut up.
Monica: No, I will not shut up, because I’m engaged!
[indistinct yelling]
Monica: Oh, big talk, huh. Why don’t you come over here and say that to me, buddy? My fiancée will kick your ass. Come on, apartment 20, apartment 20.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”

Monica: Okay, wait, wait, wait. I just want to say that I love you guys so, so much and thank you for being here on my special night. [Chandler coughs] Our special night. I mean, it just wouldn’t be my night- Our, our night, if you weren’t all here to celebrate with me- Us. Damn it.
Chandler: It’s okay, I want this to be your night too. To Monica.
Monica: Oh, come on, wait, stop it. Okay, to Monica.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”

Monica: Can I ask you just a little question? Why tonight?
Rachel: What?
Monica: See, I’ve been waiting my whole life to be engaged and unlike some people, I am only planning on doing this once.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”

Monica: Sweetie, this is the most special day of our lives.
Chandler: I realize that, honey, but I’m not going to spend all the money on one party.
Monica: Honey, I love you. But if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 2: “The One with Rachel’s Book”

“Chandler, for so long I wondered if I would ever find my prince. My soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding, I turned to a friend for comfort. And instead, I found everything that I’d ever been looking for my whole life. And now here we are with our future before us. And I only want to spend it with you. My prince. My soul mate. My friend.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 24: “The One with Monica and Chandler’s Wedding (Part 2)”

Rachel: And if it’s a girl?
Monica: I don’t want to say.
Rachel: Oh, stop. Tell us. We’re not gonna want it.
Monica: Okay. It’s Emma.
Rachel: [gasps] Emma. [sobbing] See, I don’t want it.
Monica: Take it.
Rachel: What?
Monica: She’s clearly an Emma.
Rachel: Oh, honey, but you love that name.
Monica: Yeah. But I love you more. Besides, you know, nothing goes with Bing. So I’m screwed.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 24: “The One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 2)”

Monica: Is he gonna introduce us?
Chandler: I think we’re just blurry shapes to him now.
Charlie: By the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis.
Ross: Oh. I wrote that in one night.
Monica: Twenty bucks says they’re married within the month.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 20: “The One with the Soap Opera Party”

“We may not be who she thinks we are, but no-one will ever love that baby more than us.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 9: “The One with the Birth Mother”

The Best Monica Geller Quotes About Sex and Seduction

What with the infamous “erogenous zones” talk with Chandler, as well as her later marriage and journey to having children, Monica often had wisdom or jokes to share about sex. Here are our favorite Monica Geller lines about sex and the art of seduction.


“Yeah, well, I’d take a little crying any day over Howard, the “I win” guy! “I win! I win!” I went out with the guy for two months. I didn’t get to win once.” Friends, Season One, Episode 14: “The One with the Candy Hearts”

Dr. Michael Mitchell: Uh, Rachel, it’s your dad.
Monica: [pretending to be Rachel] Hi, Dad. No, no. It’s me. Listen, Dad, I can’t talk right now. Um, but there’s something. Um, there’s something that I’ve been meaning to tell you.
Rachel: Will you excuse me for a second?
Monica: Remember back in freshman year? Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
Rachel: Oh!” Friends, Season One, Episode 17: “The One with Two Parts (Part 2)”

Monica: Are we still on for tonight? Good. Because maybe we could have a little workout of our own.
Hoshi: No boom-boom before big fight!
Monica: [quietly] How about just a boom?” Friends, Season Three, Episode 24: “The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion”

“[teaching Chandler about erogenous zones and how to please a woman] All right. You could start out with a little one. A two. A one, two, three. A three.
A five. A four. A three, two. Two.
A two, four, six. Two, four, six.
Four. Two. Two.
Four, seven! Five, seven! Six, seven!
Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! [holds up seven fingers and mouths ‘Seven’]” Friends, Season Four, Episode 11: “The One with Phoebe’s Uterus”

Monica: You know, look. We were away.
Chandler: In a foreign, romantic country.
Monica: I blame London.
Chandler: Bad London!
Monica: So look while we’re still in London, we can keep doing it, right?” Friends, Season Five, Episode 1: “The One After Ross Says Rachel”

Ross: Okay, then. Here we go. Magic 8 Ball should I never see Rachel again? “Ask Again Later.” Later is not good enough! “Ask Again Later.” What the hell? This is broken. It is broken.
Monica: All right, let me see. Will Chandler have sex tonight? “Don’t Count On lt.” Seems like it works to me.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 4: “The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS”

Monica: Since that video camera thing didn’t work out I thought that I would give you just a little preview.
Chandler: [gasps] You’re naked in this picture.
Monica: I know!” Friends, Season Five, Episode 9: “The One with Ross’s Sandwich”

Monica: Guys, guys. I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside.
Ross: Uh, Pheebs’ grandmother just died.
Monica: Oh, my God. I’m so sorry.
Phoebe: Actually, you know what, it’s kind of cool. Because it’s like you know, one life ends and another begins.
Monica: Not the way they’re doing it.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 13: “The One with Joey’s Bag”

Monica: So, it’s okay to date a student?
Ross: Well, not really. I mean, technically, it’s not against the rules. But it is frowned upon, especially by that professor we ran into last night: ‘Judgy Von Holier-than-thou’.
Monica: Well, Ross. You just be careful, okay? You don’t want to get a reputation as ‘Professor McNails-his-students’.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 18: “The One Where Ross Dates a Student”

Ross: What’s the difference?
Monica: Well, a spring vacation, you’re doing nice things with your grandparents. Spring break, you’re doing frat guys.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 19: “The One with Joey’s Fridge”

Monica: You’re not getting dressed.
Chandler: [pulls back the bed cover and gestures to the bed] Know what I mean?
Monica: Yeah, but I don’t think we have time.
Chandler: There’s gonna be a wedding. You’re gonna be the bride, in a clean, white dress.
Monica: Let’s do it.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”

Monica: I can’t believe you’re gonna have sex on my engagement night!
Chandler: Well, somebody should.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”

Monica: I just wanted to say that I hope you do have sex, and I hope you guys get back together. But I warn you, the night that you announce your engagement, I’m going to announce that I’m pregnant.
Chandler: How is that ever going to happen?” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”

Monica: Any news on when the baby will come?
Rachel: No, but she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor.
Ross: Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, we tried special tea, castor oil, spicy food. Nothing worked.
Rachel: Well, there is one thing we didn’t try. But someone thinks that that will open up a can of worms.
Monica: Well, what is it? What is it? If it’s gonna help bring the baby here, like today, I think you should do it.
Ross: It’s sex.
Monica: Do it!
Ross: Monica.
Monica: I’m just saying. It’s been a really long time for you. I mean, women have needs. Do it. Get yours.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 22: “The One Where Rachel Is Late”

“All right, let’s be practical. If Ross isn’t willing to do it, he’s not the only guy you can have sex with. You could borrow Chandler. Chandler is good.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 22: “The One Where Rachel Is Late”

“[to Rachel and Ross about Emma] Oh, my God. She’s amazing. Oh, I’m so glad you guys got drunk and had sex.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 24: “The One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 2)”

Chandler: Look, we can’t stay in here forever.
Monica: It’s just- I still can’t believe that my dad saw us having sex. He didn’t make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 1: “The One Where No One Proposes”

Monica: [on the phone to Rachel] I just got to Chandler’s room, and I caught him molesting himself.
Rachel: Ugh. That couldn’t have been pretty. But you know, guys do that.
Monica: Yeah, well? The weird part is he was getting off to a shark-attack show.
Rachel: No.
Monica: Yes. Chandler watches shark porn!” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 4: “The One with the Sharks”

Monica: Sex. This is the last day I’m ovulating. If we don’t do it now, we’re gonna have to wait until next month.
Chandler: You’re serious?
Monica: Oh, yeah.
Chandler: All right, fine. I’ll do it, but no talking.
Monica: And no cuddling.
Chandler: And no kissing your neck.
Monica: Oh, good. I hate it when you do that.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 5: “The One with Phoebe’s Birthday Dinner”

Monica: Hi.
Joey: Why are you dressed like that?
Monica: Because, well, Chandler’s gonna be home in a couple of days so I thought I would just, you know, practice the art of seduction.
Joey: But I thought I heard a man’s voice before.
Monica: No, I was just doing Chandler’s side of the conversation. You know, like, ‘Hi, how do I look?’ [pretends to be Chandler] ‘Really sexy. Could I be any more turned on?'” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 9: “The One with Rachel’s Phone Number”

Chandler: I guess. I mean, it’s always gonna be scary when we have a baby.
Monica: It’s gonna be really scary. I mean, God, when we have a baby there’s gonna be so much that we’re not able to control. I mean, the apartment’s gonna be a mess. I won’t have time to clean it. What if the baby gets into the ribbon drawer and messes up all the ribbons? What if there’s no room for a ribbon drawer because the baby’s stuff takes up all the space? Where will all the ribbons go?
Chandler: Should we go make a baby right now before you change your mind?
Monica: Yes, please.
Chandler: Okay. And I promise I will not fake it this time.
Monica: Well, I wish I could say the same. I’m a little shook up.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 11: “The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work”

Colleen: Well, actually, I think this might help. It’s pretty much all the information you need. [hands her a folder]
Monica: Oh, my God.
Colleen: Everything is broken into categories, then cross-referenced. And then color-coded to correspond with the forms in the back.
Monica: Thank you. [quietly to Chandler] I think I just had a tiny orgasm.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 2: “The One Where Ross is Fine”

Did We Miss Any of Your Favorite Monica Geller Quotes?

Let us know in the comments below!


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Kristy Brandt

Originally from Tasmania, Australia, Kristy was living in London when she unexpectedly met a Dutch bloke and ended up moving to the Netherlands to be with him. Now she can be found taking numerous photos of their four weird cats, eating lots of stroopwafels and blogging at Tassie Devil Abroad.

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