It’s pretty meta to be an actor playing an actor on a TV series, but Matt Le Blanc managed to do a great job in bringing the beloved character of Joey Tribbiani to our screens.
The lovable ladies man coined perhaps the most famous phrase from Friends with his tried-and-tested pick-up line of “How you doin’?” Seriously, there are still memes of it being created to this day, even though the final season aired in 2004!
Of course, Joey did have other interests besides women and acting. He was also very into his food.. And while he was often seen as the least intelligent member of the gang, he still managed to pull of plenty of jokes that weren’t just about him being clueless. Although they featured a lot too.
But if you loved Joey as much as us then you will definitely enjoy this guide to all the best Joey Tribbiani funny lines from the series. Grab a sandwich and start reading!
The Most Iconic and Well-Known Joey Tribbiani Quotes
Joey’s line of “How you doin’?” featured in many episodes and many different ways, but there are still other famous Joey quotes, which we’ve included here.
“Rachel: I don’t even know how I would go about it.
Joey: Well, what I do is, I look a woman up and down, and I say, ‘Hey. How you doin’?'” Friends, Season Four, Episode 13: “The One with Rachel’s Crush”
“Joey: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he like you? Because if he doesn’t like you, this is all a moo point.
Rachel: Huh. A “moo” point?
Joey: Yeah. It’s like a cow’s opinion. It just doesn’t matter. It’s ‘moo’.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 8: “The One Where Chandler Doesn’t Like Dogs”
“Joey doesn’t share food!” Friends, Season 10, Episode 9: “The One with the Birth Mother”
“Donny Osmond: Now, Gene, I must remind you, you need all six of these to stay in the game. All right. Describe for Joey “things you find in your refrigerator.”
Joey: Bah, they might as well just give us the points.
Donny Osmond: Give me 20 seconds on the clock. Ready? Go.
Gene: You put this in your coffee.
Joey: A spoon. Your hands. Your face.
Gene: It’s white.
Joey: Paper. Snow. A ghost!
Gene: It’s heavier than milk.
Joey: A rock. A dog. The Earth.
Gene: Pass. You put this on a sandwich.
Joey: Salami. Anchovies. Jam.
Gene: It’s white.
Joey: Paper. Snow. A ghost!” Friends, Season 10, Episode 11: “The One Where the Stripper Cries”
Best Joey Tribbiani Quotes About Sex and Dating
While it might not seem like his regular line would work all that well, Joey was definitely the biggest ladies man in the series. Here is the best of Joey Tribbiani talking about sex and dating (or even just implying it).
“What are you talking about? One woman. That’s like saying there’s only one flavor of ice cream. Let me tell you something. There’s lots of flavors out there. There’s rocky road and cookie dough and, bing, cherry vanilla. You can get ’em with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream. This is the best thing to happen to you! You got married. You were like, what, 8? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon!” Friends, Season One, Episode 1: “The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate”
“Joey: All right, I’ll start. Ready? ‘Oh, Ross you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now’. Now you say something.
Ross: I really don’t think so.
Joey: Come on. You like this woman, right?
Ross: Well, yeah.
Joey: You wanna see her again, right?
Joey: Well if you can’t talk dirty to me, how are you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you wanna caress my butt!” Friends, Season One, Episode 15: “The One with the Stoned Guy”
“Monica: Well, my financially challenged friends I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY.
Joey: How come those?
Monica: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Erik Estrada. And ZXY because I think it sounds “zexy.”
Rachel: What happened to MEG?
Monica: MEG was good for me, but I dumped her. My motto is, “Get out before they go down.”
Joey: [chuckling] That is so not my motto.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 21: “The One with the Bullies”
“Joey: I did do it, I’m a professional.
Monica: Then what’s the problem?
Joey: See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and says ‘good actor, bad kisser’. Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that’s like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 24: “The One with Barry and Mindy’s Wedding”
“Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler. We stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross.
Chandler: Oh, God.
Joey: If it makes you feel any better, I do it too.
Joey: Oh, yeah. I always picture your mom when I’m having sex.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 1: “The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy”
“Monica: Joey, this is for you. It’s blackberry currant.
Joey: Aww. [licking jam off his finger] Oh!
Chandler: Joe, I got to ask. [Weighing one hand] The girl from the xerox place, buck naked, or [other hand] a big tub of jam?
Joey: Put your hands together!” Friends, Season Three, Episode 3: “The One with the Jam”
“Ross: You are going to love this guy. Gandalf is the party wizard.
Joey: Why do you call him “Gandalf”?
Ross: Gandalf the Wizard. Didn’t you read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No, I had sex in high school.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 9: “The One Where They’re Going to a Party”
“Rachel: You know, do we really have to watch this while we eat?
Chandler: No, no, no, no, no. We don’t know what could make this go away.
Joey: Yeah. So no one touches the remote, and no one touches the TV.
Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV.
Joey: Imagine a protective porn bubble, if you will.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 17: The One with the Free Porn”
“Rachel: You know who doesn’t even like dirty movies? My boyfriend Joshua.
Joey: Yeah, right.
Rachel: No, he told me he prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.
Chandler: Oh, oh, yeah. Did he also say that the dialogue was corny? And that he actually found it funny, not sexy?
Joey: Yeah, he likes porn.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 17: The One with the Free Porn”
“Ross: What do I do now?
Joey: You play hard-to-get.
Ross: She already lives in London.
Joey: So you go to Tokyo.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 17: The One with the Free Porn”
“Rachel: Monica, you’re gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.
Joey: Oh, my!
Rachel: They are male nurses.
Joey: Not in my head.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 3: “The One Hundredth”
“Joey: But it is odd how a woman’s purse looks so good on me, a man.
Rachel: Exactly. Unisex!
Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No. No, Joey. U-N-I sex.
Joey: Well, I ain’t gonna say no to that.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 13: “The One with Joey’s Bag”
“Rachel: Don’t listen to them. I think it’s sexy.
Joey: You-and-I sexy?” Friends, Season Five, Episode 13: “The One with Joey’s Bag”
“Rachel: Joey, look at it this way. The sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler, the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
Joey: I like that. Oh, okay. Show him your bra. He’s afraid of bras. Can’t work them. [Joey opens Phoebe’s blouse in one quick movement]
Phoebe: Joey! Wow. You didn’t rip off any buttons.
Joey: It’s not my first time.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 14: “The One Where Everybody Finds Out”
“Joey: Yeah, that’s her. But you know what, it doesn’t matter. I’m never going to get to meet her anyway.
Joey: Because it’s impossible to find her apartment. She lives in, like, some kind of hot-girl parallel universe or something.
Monica: What are you talking about? She obviously lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left.
Joey: No. No, she lives on the 3rd floor, eighth apartment from the left.
Monica: No. Those first two windows, that’s the lobby. And you know that other window other there is the stairway. You’ve been counting wrong.
Joey: I did not know that. Thank you, Monica. I can’t believe I almost lost another girl because of counting!” Friends, Season Five, Episode 17: “The One with Rachel’s Inadvertent Kiss”
“Joey: Hey, Rach, how you doin’?
Rachel: I’m doing good, baby. How you doin’?
Joey: Ross, don’t let her drink anymore.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 24: “The One in Vegas (Part 2)”
“Monica: And you’d better watch the flirting too, because in such close quarters it could be trouble.
Joey: Well, that’s gonna be tough, Mon. I mean, it’s hard for me to be around an attractive woman and not flirt.
Monica: Well, you’re around me all the time, and you don’t flirt.
Joey: A little sad about that, sweetie?” Friends, Season Six, Episode 7: “The One Where Phoebe Runs”
“Chandler: You’ve had a lot of sex, right?
Joey: When, today? Some, not a lot.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”
“Rachel: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, Jessica Lockhart! In my apartment! I am such a huge fan. I am such a huge fan.
Cecilia Monroe: Well, it’s nice to know that you-
Rachel: [runs out of the apartment] Monica! Monica!
Joey: That’s my roommate, Rachel.
Cecilia Monroe: Oh, that explains all the women’s underwear.
Joey: Sure.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 15: “The One with Joey’s New Brain”
“Ross: Then when I turned around, she was gone.
Phoebe: Oh, Ross.
Ross: But, hey, in my defense, I just found out that condoms are only like 97% effective.
Ross: I gotta go find her.
Joey: Hey. Hold on! Are you serious? So, like, three percent of the time they don’t even work? Huh? They should put that on the box!
Ross: Evidently, they do.
Joey: What?! [he pulls a heap of condoms out of his pocket]” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 3: “The One Where Rachel Tells…”
“Ross: I’m kind of going through a dry spell, sex-wise.
Joey: Oh, for, like, months?
Ross: Five, to be lying. Six.
Joey: Six months? Whoa, that’s rough.
Ross: I mean, it’s not all bad. I’m learning to appreciate the smaller things in life, like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.
Joey: The sky’s blue, Ross. And I had sex yesterday.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 4: “The One with the Videotape”
“[inner monologue] So this is going pretty good. Dinner was nice. We’ve got a lot in common. Ooh, Victoria’s Secret. We even like the same books. Ooh, there’s a scary painting. Wait a minute. I think I’ve been scared by that painting before. You know what? This whole place looks familiar. I have definitely been in this apartment. I know I’ve seen this weird plant before. [touches a cactus] Ow! It did that the last time! Oh, my God. I’ve gone out with this girl before. Yeah. We had sex on this couch. And then on that chair, and- No. No, we didn’t do it here, which is weird, because it seems like a perfectly good place. [bends forward and gets pricked by the cactus again] Ow! That’s why.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 4: “The One with the Sharks”
“Joey: I went out with this girl last night. Halfway through our date I realized I already slept with her.
Rachel: So basically you’ve slept with all the women in New York and now you’re just going around again?
Joey: That’s not even the weird part. I don’t think she remembered sleeping with me.
Monica: Like you don’t remember sleeping with her.
Joey: Yeah, but she should remember sleeping with me. I am very memorable. You guys know.
Rachel: What? How do we know? We’ve never slept with you.
Joey: And whose fault is that?” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 4: “The One with the Sharks”
“Monica: What’s the big deal? You forgot, she forgot. Maybe you were having an off night.
Joey: Hey! I never have an off night. Okay? Although, sometimes if I’m a little bloated, I don’t feel that sexy. But even then, I’m better than most.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 4: “The One with the Sharks”
“Hayley: So it was really a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents getting divorced. I took it the hardest because I was the youngest.
Joey: Sure. Yeah. How can you not remember me?
Joey: How could you not remember that we slept together?
Hayley: What? When?
Joey: I don’t know.
Hayley: I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you.
Joey: Come on, come on. Search your brain, all right? It was …a certain amount of time ago. I was here. You were here. We had sex here, here, here- Not there. Anything?
Hayley: No, it’s not ringing any bells.
Joey: My God, woman. How many people do you have to have been with not to remember any of this?” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 4: “The One with the Sharks”
“”[roommate walks in]
Hayley’s roommate: Joey?!
Joey: Ohhhh! I slept with you. And you obviously remember me. Hey, I still got it! So we’re good? [Hayley glares] I’ll let myself out.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 4: “The One with the Sharks”
“Joey: Ordinarily, I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken. Did I sleep with her? Did I not sleep with her?
Phoebe: You know, maybe this is a wake-up call. You know, about your whole dating attitude. You’re in your 30s and you have never been in a long-term relationship. You go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience. Never even worrying that it doesn’t turn into something more serious.
Joey: You’re right. I love my life! [walks towards the girl then comes back] …I actually did sleep with her.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 4: “The One with the Sharks”
“Rachel: Hey, who’s Phoebe with?
Joey: I wanna say, “Someone I’m gonna have sex with.”
Joey: So who’s your friend?
Phoebe: Oh, that’s Sarah. No, no. Don’t you get any ideas. No, I’m not setting you up with any more of my friends.
Joey: Why? Why?
Phoebe: Because you’ll date her once, sleep with her and then forget she exists.
Joey: Name one friend of yours that I did that with.
Joey: Mandy, huh? Really hot blond, big boobs?
Joey: [to Rachel] Might be why I don’t remember her, huh?
Rachel: Do you think I’m someone else?” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 9: “The One with the Birth Mother”
“Joey: Okay, look, I may not have treated your friends well in the past. But I have grown up a lot. Really. Honest. Rach?
Rachel: Yeah, believe it or not, it’s true. I mean, when Joey and I were together he was wonderful. He was thoughtful and mature. And for the one week that we went out …he didn’t sleep with anybody else.
Joey: Growth.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 9: “The One with the Birth Mother”
Best Clueless Joey Tribbiani Quotes
Joey Tribbiani was sweet, caring and funny, but he wasn’t winning any awards for his IQ. However, his often clueless-bordering-on-stupid remarks were often very humorous. Here are our favorite Joey from Friends quotes where he really doesn’t get it.
“Monica: Hey, Joey. What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if little Joey’s dead, then I got no reason to live, you know?” Friends, Season One, Episode 4: “The One with George Stephanopoulos’ Pizza”
“Joey: Oh. Have either of you ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?
Chandler: Only if you order stuff.
Joey: I’m taking Ursula tonight. It’s her birthday.
Ross: Whoa. What about Phoebe’s birthday?
Joey: When’s that?
Ross: Uh, tonight.
Joey: Ugh, man, what are the odds of that happening?” Friends, Season One, Episode 17: “The One with Two Parts: Part 2”
“Monica: I thought you were over this.
Ross: That has nothing to do with it. She is my ex-wife, If she were marrying a guy, none of you would expect me to be there.
Joey: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she’d be, like, the worst lesbian ever.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 11: “The One with the Lesbian Wedding”
“Joey: Chandler, what are you still doing here? I thought you guys took off.
Chandler: Oh, no, she took off with my clothes!
Joey: Are you naked in there?
Chandler: Well, not exactly. I’m wearing panties.
Joey: You always wear panties?
Chandler: No, no. This is the first time.
Joey: Wow. Talk about your bad luck! I mean the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 13: “The One After the Superbowl (Part 2)”
“Monica: But I thought you wanted to live by yourself.
Joey: I did. I thought it’d be great. I figured I’d have, like, time alone with my thoughts. But, you know, it turns out I don’t have as many thoughts as you think.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 17: “The One Where Eddie Moves In”
“Chandler: Oh, and by the way, there is no Count Rushmore!
Joey: Yeah, then who’s the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?” Friends, Season Three, Episode 1: “The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy”
“Joey: I got a science question. If the Homo sapiens were, in fact, “homo” sapiens, is that why they’re extinct?
Ross: Joey, Homo sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey, I’m not judging.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 8: “The One with the Giant Poking Device”
“Chandler: Hold on a second, Joe. Where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: [Joey stares blankly, looks to Ross] Well, the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: And the other Dutch people? They come from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Joey: Nice try. The Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 9: “The One with the Football”
“Joey: It is me. It’s a musical version of “A Tale of Two Cities,” so I think I’m going to sing “New York, New York,” and, uh- Oh, “I Left My Heart in San Francisco.”
Ross: Uh, Joey, I don’t think you get to pick the cities.
Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick them.
Chandler: I’ll get you the CliffsNotes.
Joey: The what?
Chandler: The abridgment.
Joey: Oh, okay. Ha, ha. [to Ross] The what?” Friends, Season Three, Episode 12: “The One with All the Jealousy”
“Joey: [arranging sticks on the ground] Okay, done!
Monica: What’s “pleh”?
Joey: That’s “help” spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 17: “The One Without the Ski Trip”
“Monica: I gotta go water Pete’s plants. You know what? lf he’s gonna break up with me, maybe I won’t water them.
Chandler: If he’s gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should do water his plants, if you know what I mean.
Joey: Or we could go over there and pee on them.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 23: “The One with Ross’s Thing”
“Ross: So, Chandler, from now on, don’t give your boss a chance to get you. Just don’t turn your back to him.
Joey: Or you could teach him a lesson, you know? What you could do is rub something that smells really bad on your butt, right? Then, when he goes to smack you, his hand will smell. Now, what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?” Friends, Season Three, Episode 24: “The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion”
“Salesman: So here’s somebody interesting, Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh?
Joey: He cut off his ear.
Joey: I’m out.
Salesman: He painted that. [shows a painting in a book]
Joey: Wow. That’s pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear because he sucked.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 3: “The One with the Cuffs”
“Chandler: I’m only pretend-moving to Yemen. It’s the only way I could get rid of her.
Joey: Oh. Good one. And Yemen, that actually sounds like a real country.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 15: “The One with All the Rugby”
“Joey: Ross, you want to stay away from that guy. And that one. And that one. And that one. Dude, they’re all huge.
Ross: They don’t look any bigger than me.
Joey: Well, maybe that’s because you’re closer to you, so you look bigger to you from where you are.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 15: “The One with All the Rugby”
“Chandler: Look, I want those basketball seats just as much as you. Okay, but we can’t live in the small apartment after we’ve lived here. Didn’t you ever read Flowers for Algernon?
Joey: Yes. Didn’t you ever read Sports Illustrated? No, I didn’t read yours.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 19: “The One with All the Haste”
“Joey: Well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were stuck in here all night with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said “Rachel” at the wedding, I figured it was going to happen again. So I hid this in here.
Monica: Candy bars, crossword puzzles-
Phoebe: Ooh, “Mad Libs”! Mine!
Joey: Hey, you don’t know how long we’re going to be in here. We may have to re-populate the Earth.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?” Friends, Season Five, Episode 5: “The One with the Kips”
“Rachel: Oh, God, it’s already started. I’m Kip.
Monica: Oh, honey.
Joey: Yeah, you’re not Kip.
Rachel: Do you even know who Kip is?
Joey: Who cares? You’re Rachel.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 5: “The One with the Kips”
“Joey: Haven’t you ever been unemployed?
Ross: Hey, I am not unemployed. I’m on sabbatical.
Joey: Hey, don’t get religious on me, okay?” Friends, Season Five, Episode 10: “The One with the Inappropriate Sister”
“Chandler: Phoebe knows about us.
Joey: Well, I didn’t tell them.
Monica: Them? Who’s “them”?
Joey: Uh, Phoebe ….and Joey.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 14: “The One Where Everybody Finds Out”
“Rachel: I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow.
Joey: Oh, boy. That guy’s underwear sucks.
Joey: Well, I got this pair marked “XS.” Let me tell you, there was no room for excess anything in there.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 17: “The One with Rachel’s Inadvertent Kiss”
“Joey: Hey, Ross, is Staten lsland really an island?
Ross: Uh-uh. That’s why they call it Staten “lsland.”
Joey: Oh, I thought it was like Long lsland.
Ross: Also an island.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 21: “The One with the Ball”
“Ross: Laugh it up, but the joke’s on you because we don’t need to get divorced. Okay, we’re just gonna get an annulment.
Joey: An annulment? Ross, I don’t think surgery is the answer here.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 1: “The One After Vegas”
“Joey: Did anybody lose their keys?
Monica: Joey, why don’t you put them in the lost and found?
Joey: There’s a lost and found? My shoe!
Chandler: You left a shoe here?
Joey: Well, I didn’t realize till I got home and I wasn’t gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 5: “The One with Joey’s Porsche”
“Joey: So, anyway, how do you want to pay me?
Chandler: Is this a service you’re providing me?
Joey: No, no, no. For my new fridge. For our new fridge.
Chandler: “Our” new fridge? I don’t live here anymore.
Joey: So what? Look, okay, suppose we were a divorced couple.
Joey: And I got custody of the kid. Right? Now suppose the kid dies and I gotta buy a new kid.
Joey: Gimme $400!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 19: “The One with Joey’s Fridge”
“Joey: Look at this clown. Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. Get out of the way, jackass! Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast is all the way over there.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 3: “The One with Phoebe’s Cookies”
“Chandler: So Rachel’s got 48 and Phoebe has the lead in vegetables. Joey?
Joey: Say hello to the new champ of Chandler’s dumb states game.
Ross: Wow, how many you got?
Joey: Fifty-six.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 8: “The One Where Chandler Doesn’t Like Dogs”
“Joey: I should get going. Big day at work. You know how I’m in a coma? Well, today they do this test on me and it turns out I’m not brain-dead.
Joey: Ah-ah, Mr. Smarty Pants. It’s just my character that’s not brain-dead.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 11: “The One with All the Cheesecakes”
“Monica: God, is he right? Am I really- Am I awful?
Phoebe: Oh, no.
Joey: Hey, Monica, you listen to me, okay. And I’m not just saying this because I’m your friend. I’m saying this because it’s the truth. Your food is abysmal!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 21: “The One with the Cooking Class”
“Joey: Hey. Ross, I know you’re pissed at me, but we have to talk about this.
Ross: Uh, actually, we don’t.
Joey: Fine. Okay. Fine. But I gotta say, technically, I didn’t even do anything wrong.
Ross: What? You didn’t do anything wrong?
Joey: I said I didn’t technically.
Ross: Okay. Well, let’s put aside the fact that you “accidentally” picked up my grandmother’s ring and you “accidentally” proposed to Rachel.
Joey: Can I just stop you there for a second? When people do this [gesture for air quotes] I don’t really know what that means.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 2: “The One Where Emma Cries”
Monica: You don’t think sharks are sexy, do you?
Joey: No. Wait a minute. Wait, what was the Little Mermaid?” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 4: “The One with the Sharks”
“Joey: Oh, so we didn’t win. But it’s fun to play the game, right?
Gene: I got a kid starting college. I have to get surgery on my knee. You just lost me 10 grand.
Joey: Oh, wow. I’m so sorry. Okay, I promise, we’ll do better next time.
Gene: Well, I will, because I won’t be playing with you.
Joey: Hey, you know, some of those are pretty hard. Like, why would there be a ghost in my fridge? Yeah.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 11: “The One Where the Stripper Cries”
“Joey: So he can’t come?
Phoebe: No. And so there’s no one to walk me down the aisle. And- Well, I would just really love it if you would do it.
Phoebe: Yeah. You’ve, you know, sort of been like a dad to me. I mean, you’ve always, you know, looked out for me and shared your wisdom.
Joey: I am pretty ‘wisdomous’.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 12: “The One with Phoebe’s Wedding”
“Joey: Hey, so you know I’m filling in for Phoebe’s stepdad tomorrow, right?
Mike: Yeah. Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that.
Joey: Oh, hey, my pleasure. So, what are your intentions with my Phoebe?
Mike: I intend to marry her.
Joey: Oh, a wiseacre. Now, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn’t that kind of unstable?
Mike: No more so than acting.
Joey: Strike two.
Mike: You’re right. She probably will support me. Hey, unless we move in with you, Dad.
Joey: Strike three. You only get one more, Mike.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 12: “The One with Phoebe’s Wedding”
Best Joey Tribbiani Quotes About Acting
Joey’s career journey was also the source of much entertainment on Friends, as he transitioned from infomercials to plays, movies and sitcoms. Here are all the best Joey Tribbiani quotes about acting and being an actor.
“Come on, this guy’s great. His name’s Bob. He’s Angela’s brother. He’s smart, he’s sophisticated and he has a real job. Me? I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor.” Friends, Season One, Episode 5: “The One with the East German Laundry Detergent”
“[Austrian accent as he’s playing Freud in a play] Well, Eva we’ve done some excellent work here. And I would have to say your problem is quite clear. [singing] All you want is a dinkle, What you envy’s a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, To play with or simply let hang.” Friends, Season One, Episode 6: “The One with the Butt”
“Ross: I tracked down Marcel and get this. He’s healthy, he’s happy and he’s right here in New York filming ‘Outbreak 2: The Virus Takes Manhattan’.
Monica: You’re kidding!
Joey: This is amazing.
Ross: I know.
Joey: I finally get a part on TV, and the monkey’s making movies.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 12: “The One After the Superbowl (Part 1)”
“Now on my first day as Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days Of Our Lives, I learned one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting. This does not mean acting again. It means you don’t have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes something like this. [nods, gasps]” Friends, Season Three, Episode 7: “The One with the Race Car Bed”
“Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I’ve never been able to cry as an actor. So if I have a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers and just start pulling.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 7: “The One with the Race Car Bed”
“Oh, and I got an audition for All My Children. It’s this great part. This boxer named Nick. And I’m so, so right for it. He’s just like me. Except that he’s a boxer …and has an evil twin.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 7: “The One with the Race Car Bed”
“There will come a time in each of your careers when you’ll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent present. And I’m ashamed to say that I took it. I advised a fellow actor to play a role … homosexually. We both auditioned for the part and, as it turned out, they they liked the stupid “gay” thing and cast him. And now he’s got a two-year contract opposite Susan Lucci, the first lady of daytime television. And me? Me, I’m stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 7: “The One with the Race Car Bed”
“Kate: Where do I know you from?
Joey: Dr. Drake Ramoray? Days of our Lives? Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat?
Kate: No, that’s not it. So you’re a soap actor. Well, this must be exciting for you, being in a real play.
Joey: Hey, I’ve done plays before. I’m a serious actor.
Kate: That infomercial. For the milk-carton-spout thing. You’re the guy who doesn’t know how to pour milk.
Joey: See, I actually can pour milk. But I got you believing that I couldn’t. Now, see, that’s acting.
Kate: Right. At the end, you choked on a cookie.
Joey: Yeah, that was real.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 19: “The One with the Tiny T-Shirt”
“Joey: So, what job did you get, Joey?
Joey: Tour guide at the museum. Ross got it for me.
Rachel: Well, how can you be tour guide? Don’t you have to be a dinosaur expert or something?
Joey: Not really. They give you all the information. It’s like memorizing a script. And on your left you have a tyrannosaurus rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic Period.
Chandler: Very nice.
Ross: Yeah, actually, Joey, it’s the Cretaceous Period.
Joey: Yeah, but I can pronounce Jurassic.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 11: “The One with Phoebe’s Uterus”
“I’m Joey. I’m an actor. I don’t know squat about dinosaurs.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 11: “The One with Phoebe’s Uterus”
“You know what’s going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my Dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, ‘Joey, what are you doing with your life?’ stuff, I can say, ‘I’m doing a movie with Charlton Heston, Dad. What are you doing with your life?'” Friends, Season Four, Episode 14: “The One with Joey’s Dirty Day”
“Joey: Can I ask you something?
Chandler: Uh, uh. No.
Joey: Felicity and I were watching My Giant and I was thinking: “I’m never going to be as good an actor as that giant.” Do you think I’m just wasting my life with this acting thing?
Joey: I mean, the giant’s like five years younger than me. You think I’ll ever get there?
Joey: Thanks, man.
Chandler: Okay, man.
Joey: But what about how much taller he is than me? …I mean, there’s no way I can make myself taller now. And who knows what science will come up with in the future, but Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular-size man?” Friends, Season Five, Episode 1: “The One After Ross Says Rachel”
“Joey: Hey. I just got off the phone with Estelle. Guess what? I got the lead in a movie.
Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That’s amazing. What’s the movie about?
Joey: It’s called Shutterspeed. It’s really cool. Yeah, um, I meet this girl on the subway and we fall in love in, like, a day, right. And then she disappears. But I find out where she lives. And when I get there, this, like, old lady answers the door. And I say, ‘Where’s Betsy?’, right. And she says, ‘Betsy’s been dead for 10 years’.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 22: “The One with Joey’s Big Break”
“Joey: And if anyone needs help pretending to like it, I learned some things in acting class. Try rubbing your stomach. Or saying “Mmm.” And, uh, oh, smiling. Okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I’m not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 9: “The One Where Ross Got High”
“Joey: I’ve been watching some tapes. How’s this? [in a British accent] Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again! Never!
Cecilia Monroe: Oh, but Jessica doesn’t have an English accent.
Joey: I can do an English accent? That baby’s going on my resume.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 15: “The One with Joey’s New Brain”
“Phoebe: You got it?
Joey: Well, not yet, but the audition went really good.
Monica: What was it for?
Joey: It’s this big-budget period movie about three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It’s really classy. And the director, he’s supposed to be the next-next Martin Scorsese.
Phoebe: The “next-next”?
Joey: Yeah, there’s this guy from Chicago that’s supposed to be the next Martin Scorsese. But then this guy’s right after him.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 19: “The One with Ross and Monica’s Cousin”
“I’d like to propose a toast to Monica and Chandler, the greatest couple in the world, and my best friends. Now, when I first found out they were getting married, I was a little angry. I was like, “Why, God? Why? How could you take them away from me?!” But then I thought back over all our memories together. Some happy memories. [laughs] And there were some sad memories. [whimpers] I’m sorry. And some scared memories. Whoa! And then I realized I’ll always be their friend. Their friend who can speak in many dialects, and has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity. Oh, to the happy couple.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 1: “The One After ‘I Do'”
“Joey: All right, what else?
Chandler: Well, there’s acting classes, stage-combat classes, tap classes-
Joey: Which we’re still keeping under our hats.
Chandler: Then there was that dialect coach who helped you with a play where you needed a Southern accent. Which, after 20 hours of lessons, still came out Jamaican.
Joey: What the hell are you talking about? [in a Jamaican accent] The South will rise again, man.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 22: “The One Where Rachel Is Late”
“Chandler: Hey, I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica’s around, I need you to ask me about fire trucks.
Joey: Ooh. I don’t know, Chandler. I’m not so good with remembering lines.
Chandler: Well, thank God your livelihood doesn’t depend on it.
Joey: I know, right?” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 6: “The One with the Male Nanny”
“Phoebe: Aren’t you gonna be embarrassed going up there having nothing prepared?
Joey: Hey, I do it every week with three cameras pointed at me and a whole crew waiting.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 4: “The One with the Cake”
Best Joey Tribbiani Quotes About Food
While Monica was passionate about cooking good food, Joey was passionate about eating it! These are all the funniest things Joey said about food and eating.
“Joey: Hey, how much would you give me to eat this whole jar of olives?
Monica: I won’t give you anything, but you’ll owe me 2.95.
Joey: Done.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 15: “The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break”
“Joey: What if I even things out for you, meat-wise?
Joey: Well, I eat a lot of meat, right?
Joey: But suppose, until the baby’s born, I laid off it. No extra animals would die. You’d just be eating my animals.
Phoebe: Joey, I can’t believe you’d do that for me.
Joey: Absolutely. I could be a vegetarian. There’s no meat in beer, right?” Friends, Season Four, Episode 16: “The One with the Fake Party”
“Ross, if you’re going to the airport, can you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars?” Friends, Season Four, Episode 17: “The One with the Free Porn”
“Waiter: Sir? [offering a plate of hors d’oeuvres]
Joey: What’s in it?
Waiter: Goat cheese, watercress and pancetta.
Joey: That’s not food!” Friends, Season Four, Episode 23: The One with Ross’s Wedding (Part 1)”
“Hey, no matter what happens with Ross and Emily we still get cake, right?” Friends, Season Five, Episode 1: “The One After Ross Says Rachel”
“Well, I think we’ve all learned something about who’s disgusting and who’s not. Eh? All right. Now, I’m going to get back to my bucket. I’m only eating the skin, so the chicken’s up for grabs.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 9: “The One with Ross’s Sandwich”
“Joey: Look, Chandler, it was instinct. Okay. I just went for it.
Chandler: So you risked your life for a sandwich?
Joey: I know it sounds crazy but, Chandler, this is the greatest sandwich in the world.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 20: “The One with the Ride-Along”
“Joey: Morning, Pheebs. Well, my movie has been officially canceled.
Phoebe: Joey, I’m so sorry. You want some of my breakfast?
Joey: Nah, I’m too depressed to eat. I’ll probably eat in, like, five minutes.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 1: “The One After Vegas”
“Joey: Where is the waitress? I’m starving.
Chandler: It’s a buffet, man.
Joey: Oh, here’s where I win all my money back!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 1: “The One After Vegas”
“Ross: [after trying Rachel’s ‘trifle’] It tastes like feet!
Joey: I like it.
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey: What’s not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 9: “The One Where Ross Got High”
“Rachel: You guys, it was bananas, cream and beef. I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn’t feel bad.
Monica: Well, actually, I didn’t eat mine. It’s still in the bathroom.
Joey: No, it isn’t. I ate that.
Judy Geller: And we left ours in Monica’s bedroom.
Joey: Nope, got it and got yours too.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 9: “The One Where Ross Got High”
“Carl: Hey, can I get a little piece of that cake?
Joey: Pizza! We like pizza! Get out!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 17: “The One with Unagi”
“Chandler: Well, you don’t look good, Joe.
Joey: Well, the fridge broke, so I had to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes. And hey, what was in that brown jar?
Chandler: That’s still in there?
Joey: Not anymore.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 19: “The One with Joey’s Fridge”
“Joey: Anyway, it wasn’t the robot. It was the guy who controls him. He doesn’t like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich table right when I was reaching for one.
Phoebe: So why don’t you just get him fired?
Joey: I may have to. I mean, I hate to do it. But I’m the star, you know? There’s a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 21: “The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth’s Dad”
“Rachel: Well, Joey, I hate to admit it, but your way of sailing is a lot more fun.
Joey: Yeah. Hey, why don’t you give a pull on that rope?
Rachel: We’re not sailing.
Joey: Just pull on it.
Rachel: All right. Hey. Sandwiches.
Joey: What else?
Rachel: Here you go.
Joey: Thank you.
Rachel: Oh, wow.
Joey: What are you doing?
Joey: What? Don’t hold it like that. You’re letting all the good stuff fall out.
Rachel: Oh. Whoops.
Joey: Careful! You’re wasting good pastrami! Oh, my God. I’m my dad!” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 3: “The One with Phoebe’s Cookies”
“[Rachel and Chandler are eating cheesecake off the hallway floor]
Rachel: There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it.
Chandler: Stick to your side.
Rachel: Come on, now.
Joey: [pulls a fork out of his pocket] All right, what are we having?” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 11: “The One with All the Cheesecakes”
“Man, I’m starving. What the hell was I thinking at dinner? “Do you want soup or salad?” Both, always order both.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 12: “The One Where They’re Up All Night”
“Rachel: Well, we gotta go.
Ross: Where are you guys going?
Monica: We gotta pick up the wedding dress and then we’re going to have lunch with Mom.
Ross: Joey, you’re having lunch with my Mom?
Joey: No, I just heard “lunch”, but yeah, I can go.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 23: “The One with Monica and Chandler’s Wedding (Part 1)”
“Monica: Anyway, it just doesn’t seem worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people. Okay, it’s a lot of work.
Joey: But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving. I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like Fourth of July with no apple pie. Or Friday with no two pizzas.
Monica: Fine, if it means that much to you. But there’s gonna be a ton left over.
Joey: No, there won’t. I promise I will finish that turkey.
Monica: All right. You’re telling me you can eat almost an entire turkey in one sitting?
Joey: That’s right. Because I’m a Tribbiani. This is what we do. I mean, we may not be great thinkers or world leaders. We don’t read a lot or run very fast, but damn it, we can eat!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 9: “The One with the Rumor”
“Monica: What are you doing? You’ve got to save room. You’ve got almost an entire turkey to eat.
Joey: Let me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm up my stomach first. Eating chips is like stretching.
Joey: Don’t worry. Tribbianis never get full.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 9: “The One with the Rumor”
“Joey: You are my Everest.
Monica: Joey, you don’t have to finish that.
Joey: Oh, yes, I do. Otherwise, what’s next? Today I’m just a guy who can’t finish a turkey, but tomorrow I’m the guy who eats half a Power Bar, wrap up the rest and puts it in the fridge? No. I just gotta change my pants. What was I thinking? Jeans have no give.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 9: “The One with the Rumor”
“Joey: All right, where’s that turkey?
Phoebe: Joey, those are my maternity pants.
Joey: No, no. These are my Thanksgiving pants!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 9: “The One with the Rumor”
“Joey: Well, that’s it. I’m done. Whew. Here come the meat sweats.
Monica: Well, Joey, we’re all very proud of you.
Chandler: Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the president any moment now.
Phoebe: Is there anything we can do for you?
Joey: No. Just nobody press on my stomach.
Rachel: You can keep those pants, by the way.
Joey: Ooh, what you got there? What is that, pie?
Monica: Yeah. You want some?
Joey: Yeah, just cut me a little sliver. Little bigger. Little bigger. What are you afraid you’re going to run out? Cut me a real piece!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 9: “The One with the Rumor”
“Rachel: Why don’t you sit down? Dina has something she wants to tell you.
Joey: What’s going on? Is it Mom? Is she sick? Is it Dad’s heart? Is that a sandwich?
Dina: Joe, Mom and Dad are fine.
Joey: Is that a sandwich?!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 10: “The One with Monica’s Boots”
“Rachel: I’ll call you back.
Joey: Who was that?
Rachel: Just the pizza place.
Joey: You hung up on the pizza place? I don’t hang up on your friends.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 11: “The One with Ross’s Step Forward”
“Rachel: Now, the filet mignon, what comes with that?
Waitress: There’s a side of steamed vegetables.
Rachel: Mmm. Now, instead of the vegetables is there any way that I could substitute the three-pound lobster?
Joey: You know what? Bring her both. And I’ll have the same.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 12: “The One Where Joey Dates Rachel”
“Ross: I’m sorry, Rach, I didn’t know. Are you going to be okay?
Rachel: Yeah, I’ll be fine. But can someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there?
Joey: [eating it] I’m on it!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 14: “The One with the Secret Closet”
“Hayley: What a great dinner.
Joey: Yeah. Thanks again for letting me have that last piece of cake at the restaurant.
Hayley: You’re welcome again. I’m gonna go make some coffee. Can I get you anything?
Joey: Do you have any cake?” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 4: “The One with the Sharks”
“Waiter? All right, this is gonna go fast, so try to keep up. Risotto with shaved truffles and the rib steak with the golden chanterelles and the Bordelaise sauce unless any of that stuff I just said means ‘snails’.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 5: “The One with Phoebe’s Birthday Dinner”
“Maitre ‘D: I sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning.
Joey: No, just me. All alone. Dinner for six for one. Well, you boys are about to see something really special.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 5: “The One with Phoebe’s Birthday Dinner”
“Ross: Oh, God, this is fun, isn’t it? You know, just the four of us. Just hanging.
Joey: Dude, are you okay? And when are the fajitas gonna be ready?” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 2: “The One Where Ross Is Fine’
“Phoebe: That’s why you won’t go out with her again? So she took some fries. Big deal.
Joey: Hey, look, it’s not about a few fries. It’s about what the fries represent.
Joey: All food!
Phoebe: Well, I’m sorry. I can’t believe I set you up with such a monster.
Joey: Hey, look, I take a girl out she can order whatever she wants. The more the better, all right? Just don’t order a garden salad and then eat my food! That’s a good way to lose some fingers.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 9: “The One with the Birth Mother”
“Phoebe: Well, I still think that is a stupid reason not to call someone again. You are calling her, okay? And if you need to, then just get an extra plate of fries for the table.
Joey: I like that. A sharing buffer. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll order some extra fries. Maybe a plate of onion rings. Yeah. Yeah. And a shrimp cocktail. And some Buffalo wings. Maybe- Maybe an individual pizza, huh? And some mozzarella sticks. What were we talking about?” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 9: “The One with the Birth Mother”
“Sarah: Fine. Sorry, I didn’t think it was that big a deal.
Joey: No, I’m sorry. I- I’m overreacting, okay? It’s just, when it comes to food, I have certain rules okay? I mean there are things you do, and, you know, things that you don’t do. [Joey picks his plate up from the floor, blows on a clam and takes a bite]” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 9: “The One with the Birth Mother”
“Sarah: What are you doing? I thought you don’t share food?
Joey: Sure I do. Coulis?
Sarah: No. If I can’t have your clams, you can’t have my dessert. This is a two-way street.
Joey: [laughs] Really?
Sarah: Really. Now this all better be here when I come back.
Joey: Yeah, of course. I can control myself.
Joey: [to the dessert] Stop staring at me! Just a tiny little taste- Uh-oh.
[Sarah returns to see Joey covered in chocolate and no cake left]
Joey: I’m not even sorry!” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 9: “The One with the Birth Mother”
“Monica: Oh, God. What did I just step on?
Chandler: It’s okay. It’s just an egg roll.
Joey: You stepped on my egg roll?!
Monica: I’m sorry. I didn’t know to look for Chinese food on the floor.
Joey: Just put it on a plate and leave.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 18: “The Last One (Part 2)”
Best Joey Tribbiani Funny Lines and Jokes
Of course, Joey wasn’t a total idiot, and he did have some funny quotes where he wasn’t just the punchline. Here are all the best funny Joey Tribbiani sayings that don’t fall under any of the other sections.
“Ross: She says Marcel’s humping thing is not a phase. Apparently, he’s reached sexual maturity.
Joey: [to Chandler] Hey, he beat you.” Friends, Season One, Episode 21: “The One with the Fake Monica”
“Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: What did you just say?
Chandler: Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no. The um, the “love” part?
Chandler: Fl-[indistinguishable speech]
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Chandler: Oh, no, no, no.
Joey: That’s good. Just keep rubbing your head. That’ll turn back time.” Friends, Season One, Episode 24: “The One Where Rachel Finds Out”
“Joey: Hey, why can’t we use the same toothbrush but we can use the same soap?
Chandler: Because soap is soap. It’s self-cleaning.
Joey: All right, well, next time you shower think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 16: “The One Where Joey Moves Out’
“Monica: [on the phone] Hey, have you guys eaten? Because Richard and l just finished, and we’ve got leftovers. Chicken and potatoes. What am I wearing? Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.
[Chandler, on the phone, and Joey rush into the apartment]
Joey: You know, one of these times, you’re going to really be naked and we’re not going to come over.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 20: “The One Where Old Yeller Dies”
“Phoebe: He’s alive! He’s alive!
Monica: And yet we’re still poking him.
Joey: Okay, retract the device! Retract the device!
Ross: He does not look happy.
Rachel: Hey, now he’s showing us his poking device.
Joey: Hey, that’s never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!” Friends, Season Three, Episode 8: “The One with the Giant Poking Device”
“Lauren: I used to schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days of our Lives.
Joey: Get out of here. Really?
Lauren: Absolutely. But then they dropped you down that elevator shaft.
Joey: They gave me the shaft, all right.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 20: “The One with the Dollhouse”
“Joey: Sure, it’s hard to forget but you don’t mean you have to talk about it. A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, ever talk about.
Ross: What happened on that beach?
Joey: It’s between us and the sea, Ross.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 1: “The One with the Jellyfish”
“Monica: I mean, I thought I would pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn’t bend that way. So …
Ross, Rachel and Phoebe: Ew!
Joey: That’s right. I stepped up. She’s my friend and she needed help. If I had to, I’d pee on any one of you.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 1: “The One with the Jellyfish”
“Salesman: Now, what do you know about vulcanized rubber?
Joey: Spock’s birth control. [laughs]” Friends, Season Four, Episode 3: “The One with the Cuffs”
“Salesman: So what do you say, Joey? You can get the whole set of encyclopaedias for $1200. That works out to just 50 bucks a book.
Joey: $1200? [chuckles] You think I have $1200? I’m home in the middle of the day and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess there’s a few things you don’t get from book learning.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 3: “The One with the Cuffs”
“Monica: That’s your fourth cup of coffee.
Chandler: Well, I’ve drunk lots of cups of coffee because I’m exhausted because Joey started snoring.
Monica: He’s in a different room. He’s really that loud?
Joey: Oh, you should hear me.
Chandler: It’s nothing to be proud of, okay. You have to go to a sleep clinic.
Joey: I told you, I’m not going to any clinic. I don’t have a problem. You’re the one with the problem. You should go to a “Quit-being- a-baby-and-leave-me-alone” clinic.
Chandler: They don’t have those.
Joey: Yeah, they do. Quit being a baby and leave me alone! There, you just had your first class.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 20: “The One with All the Wedding Dresses”
“Joey: What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?
Chandler: Oh, I think it’s great. You know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place.
Joey: Really? To what?
Chandler: To “Put the Camera Away”.
Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 23: “The One with Ross’s Wedding (Part 1)”
“Monica: What about that guy over there? Remember, that is the guy that you flirted with at the counter that time.
Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know.
Monica: You’re going to talk to him. You know what, we made a deal. I make your decisions, and I say you’re going to talk to him.
Rachel: All right. You’re the boss. I guess I got to do what you tell me.
Joey: Say that to him, and you’re golden.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 2: “The One with All the Kissing”
“Joey: But come on. And what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?
Janine: It’s a curling iron.
Joey: Well, that’s okay then. Oh, okay, my towels, for instance. I come into the bathroom, here, and my towel is not on the floor, where I keep it. It’s up here on some hook. And it smells different.
Janine: It’s clean.
Joey: Yeah, well, it feels different.
Janine: It’s dry.
Joey: All right, I can make my peace with the clean, dry towels. Hey, okay, also what is with these chips you bought?
Janine: No, no, no. It’s potpourri. You’re supposed to smell it.
Joey: [sniffs it] Well, that’s like summer in a bowl.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 8: “The One with Ross’s Teeth”
“Rachel: Oh, my God. You stole her award.
Joey: No, no, no. I’m accepting it on her behalf.
Rachel: Joey, I don’t think you know what “behalf” means.
Joey: Sure I do. It’s a verb. As in ‘I be half-in’ it’!” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 18: “The One with Joey’s Award”
“Joey: I play Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Sarah: I’m sorry. I don’t own a TV.
Joey: You don’t own a TV? What’s all your furniture pointed at?” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 23: “The One in Barbados (Part 1)”
“Joey: We were supposed to bring presents?
Phoebe: Yeah. I wrote Emma a song.
Joey: Oh, yeah. How was I supposed to know?
Phoebe: Joey, it’s a birthday party.
Joey: Yeah, but for a 1 -year-old. What’s the point? The other day she laughed for an hour at a cup. Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it, dressed as a farmer. And he’s standing next to this cow, and the cow says, “El-moo.” Man, that’s a funny cup.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 4: “The One with the Cake”
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