The 100+ Best Chandler Bing Quotes, Lines & Sayings from Friends

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While the whole cast of Friends was funny (it was a sitcom, after all) there’s no doubt that Chandler Bing was regarded as the funny character.

From his witty one-liners to his many sarcastic quips, Chandler had plenty of memorable funny lines. We learn through the course of the series that he started using humor as a coping mechanism after his parent’s divorce, but it’s hard to imagine him being any other way.

Of course, Chandler had other qualities as well, he could be quite sweet, he struggled with a fear of commitment for a long time but ultimately found love with one of his best friends before becoming a devoted husband and father.

Today we’re sharing all of our favorite Chandler from Friends quotes for your enjoyment. So sit back and take a trip down memory lane as you wonder, “could Chandler BE any funnier?”


Most Iconic and Well-Known Chandler Bing Quotes

One of the most iconic things about how Chandler talked was the way he would put emphasis on a certain word, but he had some other very well-known lines as well. Here they are!


Phoebe: They even do you.
Chandler: They “do” me?
Phoebe: You know, like, um okay. Okay, um, “Could that report be any later?”
[Joey and Ross laugh]
Chandler: I don’t sound like that.
Ross: Oh, oh, Chandler.
Joey: Yeah, you do.
Ross: “The hills are alive with the sound of music.”
Joey: “My scone.”
Joey, Ross and Phoebe: “My scone.”
Chandler: I don’t sound like that. That is so not true. [Ross and Joey laugh] That is so not- That is so not- That- Oh, shut up!” Friends, Season One, Episode 22: “The One with the Ick Factor”

“[sitting in a bubble bath with wine] I’ve had a very long, hard day.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 2: “The One with All the Kissing”

“And I am not “blah.” I am a hoot!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 11: “The One with the Apothecary Table”

“I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 24: “The One with the Proposal (Part 1)”

“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Some cheese?” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 17: “The One with the Tea Leaves”

Best Sarcastic Chandler Bing Quotes

There’s no doubt that Chandler was a very sarcastic person. These are our favorite sarcastic Chandler Bing sayings.


Joey: You okay, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah, no, it’s not even worth- It’s my bank.
Monica: What did they do to you?
Phoebe: It’s nothing, it’s just- Okay, I’m going through my mail and I open their monthly “statement”.
Ross: Easy!
Phoebe: And there’s $500 extra in my account.
Chandler: Urgh, Satan’s minions at work again!” Friends, Season One, Episode 3: “The One with the Thumb”

Rachel: Oh, you’re gonna be great.
Ross: How could you say that? I can’t even get Marcel to stop eating the bathmat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that monkeys and babies are actually different.” Friends, Season One, Episode 16: “The One with Two Parts: Part 1”

Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Answering machine?
Chandler: No, interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.” Friends, Season One, Episode 20: “The One with the Evil Orthodontist”

Chandler: You okay?
Ross: I can’t believe you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler: I’m sorry. It was a one-time thing. I was very drunk, and it was someone else’s subconscious.” Friends, Season One, Episode 22: “The One with the Ick Factor”

Chandler: Anybody know a good tailor?
Joey: You need clothes altered?
Chandler: No, I’m just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 1: “The One with Ross’s New Girlfriend”

Ross: So does it do anything, you know, special?
Chandler: Why, yes, Ross. Pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 4: “The One with Phoebe’s Husband”

Phoebe: I’m meeting Duncan. He’s skating tonight at the Garden. He’s in the Capades.
Joey: The lce Capades?
Chandler: No, the Gravel Capades. Yeah, the turns aren’t as fast, but when Snoopy falls? Funny.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 4: “The One with Phoebe’s Husband”

Ross: I don’t know what I’m gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this is like a complete nightmare!
Chandler: I know. This must be so hard. ‘Oh, no! Two women love me! They’re both gorgeous and sexy, my wallet’s too small for my 50s and my diamond shoes are too tight!'” Friends, Season Two, Episode 8: “The One with the List”

Monica: God, this is so hard. I can’t decide between lamb or duck.
Chandler: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would’ve been called Silence of the Ducks.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 11: “The One with the Lesbian Wedding”

Joey: Well, you know how we’re always say we need a place for the mail.
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: Well, I started building one, but then I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler: You’re building a post office?” Friends, Season Three, Episode 5: “The One with Frank Jr.”

Ross: Any luck getting rid of the entertainment center?
Joey: There were a couple calls, but I don’t think they’re going to work out.
Chandler: Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 2: “The One with the Cat”

Monica: Can I talk to you over here for just a second? Chandler! Look, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride and I’m not going to let them. Now, we’re not a couple of suckers.
Chandler: I hear you, Mugsy.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 5: “The One with the Kips”

Ross: You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to throw a party. That’s right. For everyone in the building. And I’m going to sit them all down and explain to them that I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy. I am just a guy who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles.
Chandler: Sounds like a fun party.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 15: “The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey”

Gary: But that reminds me. Sign this.
Ross: What is it?
Gary: It’s nothing. It just says you can’t sue the city if you scrape your knee or get your head blown off.
Chandler: Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 20: “The One with the Ride-Along”

Monica: [sneezes] Oh, my God. The cat’s made my eyes water. Don’t throw it to me. My vision’s been compromised. Oh, God. Okay. Okay. It’s okay. Man, that was close.
Chandler: Yeah, you almost overreacted to something.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 21: “The One with the Ball”

Chandler: Well, that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon.
Joey: You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mother died?
Chandler: Yes, it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.” Friends, Season 6, Episode 14: “The One Where Chandler Can’t Cry”

Joey: I can’t stay too long. I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow. I gotta look good. I’m supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. What?
Chandler: So when you said get up early, did you mean 1986?” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”

Ross: Rachel, I’ve been thinking. I don’t think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. I’m calling it off.
Chandler: Way to save your dignity, my man.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”

Phoebe: If you don’t sail your boat, what do you do on there?
Joey: Oh, it’s great. It’s a great place to just kind of sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips.
Chandler: Well, it’s good that you finally have a place to do that.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 3: “The One with Phoebe’s Cookies”

Joey: Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me.
Chandler: What? Why does she think that?
Joey: Because it kind of looked like I did.
Chandler: Again, what?
Joey: Okay, I was down on one knee with the ring in my hand-
Chandler: As we all are at some point during the day.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 1: “The One Where No One Proposes”

Chandler: [after Ross walks in with a very dark tan] Hold on. There’s something different.
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 3: “The One with Ross’s Tan”

Doctor: You know it’s twins, right?
Chandler: Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 17: “The Last One (Part One)”

Best Chandler Bing One-Liners

As well as being funny in general Chandler was also known for being very quick-witted. Many of his best lines were fast, one-liners in response to something another character had said. Here are the best of his one-liners.


Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It’s just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.” Friends, Season One, Episode 1: “The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate”

Ross: But I don’t want to be single, okay? I just want to be married again.
[Rachel rushes into Central Perk wearing a wedding dress]
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!” Friends, Season One, Episode 1: “The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate”

Ross: I honestly don’t know if I’m hungry or horny.
Chandler: Then stay out of my freezer.” Friends, Season One, Episode 1: “The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate”

Joey: Come on, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino’s in it and that’s big.
Chandler: Oh, no it’s terrific. You deserve this. After all your years of struggling, you’ve finally been able to crack your way into show business.” Friends, Season One, Episode 6: “The One with the Butt”

Ross: I’m sorry, Pheebs. I’ve gotta go. I’ve got Lamaze class.
Chandler: Oh, and I’ve got earth science, but I’ll catch you in gym?” Friends, Season One, Episode 16: “The One with Two Parts: Part 1”

Monica: You’ve got to do something about the humping.
Ross: What? It’s just a phase.
Chandler: Well, that’s what we said about Joey.” Friends, Season One, Episode 21: “The One with the Fake Monica”

Joey: Please move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
Chandler: Of course, there they just call it food.” Friends, Season One, Episode 24: “The One Where Rachel Finds Out’

Frankie: How long do you want the cuffs?
Chandler: Well, at least as long as I have the pants.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 1: “The One with Ross’s New Girlfriend”

Chandler: We’ll make a list. “Rachel and Julie: Pros and Cons.” We’ll put their names in bold with different fonts and I can use different colors for each column.
Ross: Can’t we just use a pen?
Chandler: No, Amish boy.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 8: “The One with the List”

Ross: Is everything okay?
Phoebe: Umm, no. Nuh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.
Ross: Oh, my God.
Chandler: That’s a little more relaxed than you want them to get.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 11: “The One with the Lesbian Wedding”

Ross: Check it out. He actually is the Monkeyshine monkey.
Rachel: So what are you gonna you do?
Ross: I’m gonna call the beer company and try to find him.
Chandler: Well, that’s what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 12: “The One After the Superbowl (Part 1)”

Joey: Hey, I got you something for you.
Chandler: What’s this?
Joey: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Chandler: Oh, I don’t know what Big Leon told you, but it’s an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 14: “The One with the Prom Video”

Ross: [on the phone] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Australopithecus isn’t supposed to be in that display. No. No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.
Chandler: Well, maybe he was nervous.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 15: “The One Where Ross and Rachel… You Know”

Monica: Okay, I got a leg, three breasts and a wing.
Chandler: How do you find clothes that fit?” Friends, Season Two, Episode 20: “The One Where Old Yeller Dies”

Rachel: Both of them are here? Both of them? Both of them are here?
Chandler: Well, we could count again?” Friends, Season Two, Episode 22: “The One with Two Parties”

“[Rachel enters the apartment wearing a pink poofy bridesmaid dress]
Rachel: Hey.
Chandler: I’m sorry we, we don’t have your sheep.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 24: “The One with Barry and Mindy’s Wedding”

Monica: Joey, take your time with that. It’s my last batch.
Joey: No more jam?
Rachel: What happened to your jam plan?
Monica: Well, I figured out I’d need to charge $17 a jar just to break even. So I’ve got a new plan now. Babies.
Chandler: Well, you’re gonna need much bigger jars.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 3: “The One with the Jam”

Monica: Sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he’s 6′ 2″, 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Gina Davis.
Chandler: You mean there’s more than one of us?” Friends, Season Three, Episode 3: “The One with the Jam”

Monica: Losers walk.
Ross: Yeah? Losers talk.
Chandler: No, no, no. Actually, losers rhyme.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 9: “The One with the Football”

Chandler: Isn’t it a bit cold out for shorts?
Robert: Well, I’m from California.
Chandler: Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flame.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 13: “The One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends”

Ross: He’s going in. He’s going in. The door’s closed. I can’t see anything with the door closed.
Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 19: “The One with the Tiny T-Shirt”

Monica: You know what? You can play with my dollhouse.
Phoebe: Really?
Monica: Any time you want. When I was young all I wanted was to play with this dollhouse. But no. It was to be looked at, never played with.
Chandler: My grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 20: “The One with the Dollhouse”

Kathy: You have really great hair.
Chandler: Oh, thanks. I grow it myself.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 7: “The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line”

Ross: We were at the back of the train. I sat near the door so she’d have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my mercy.
Chandler: Were you so late because you were burying this woman?” Friends, Season Four, Episode 10: “The One with the Girl from Poughkeepsie”

Rachel: Okay. No accountants. And no one from, like, “legal.” I don’t like boring jobs.
Chandler: And Ross was like what? A lion tamer?” Friends, Season Four, Episode 10: “The One with the Girl from Poughkeepsie”

Ross: Every week the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey’s apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel: Chandler gets it. It’s Chandler Bing.
Monica: No!
Ross: I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to “Chanandler Bong.”
Monica: I knew that. Rachel, use your head.
Chandler: Actually, it’s Miss Chanandler Bong.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 12: “The One with the Embryos”

Phoebe: What is that smell? It’s coming from the bathroom.
Chandler: Wow, pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 16: “The One with the Fake Party”

Ross: You know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.
Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room or …?” Friends, Season Five, Episode 11: “The One with All the Resolutions”

Monica: Are you saying I smell bad?
Joey: No, you smell like a meadow. I’m sorry. [he leaves]
Rachel: What’s with him?
Chandler: Oh, you know, the last time Joey went to a meadow his mother was shot by a hunter.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 16: “The One with the Cop”

Joey: [on the phone to Chandler and Monica on their honeymoon] Hey, Monica, it’s Joey. Phoebe and I smell gas coming from your apartment.
Monica: What? Are you serious? [to Chandler] Joey smells gas.
Chandler: What else is new?” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 3: “The One Where Rachel Tells…”

Monica: How do you know she’s gonna start talking?
Rachel: Well, when I talk to her, I almost feel like she understands what I’m saying.
Chandler: Kind of like Joey.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 18: “The One with the Lottery”

Janice: What a small world!
Chandler: And yet I never run into BeyoncĂ©.” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 15: “The One Where Estelle Dies”

Rachel: Do you guys have to go to the new house right away, or do you have some time?
Monica: We got some time.
Rachel: Okay, should we get some coffee?
Chandler: Sure. Where?” Friends, Season Ten, Episode 18: “The Last One (Part 2)”

Best Chandler Bing Quotes About Love, Relationships and Marriage

While Chandler was often unlucky in love (until Monica) his overall growth still led to some great character growth. These are all his best lines about relationships, commitment, love and marriage.


Janice: You probably want us to move in together?
Chandler: It doesn’t scare me.
Janice: Yeah, well it scares me. I mean, I’m not even divorced yet. You just invited me over here for pasta and all of a sudden you’re talking about moving in together. And I wasn’t even that hungry. You know what? It’s getting really late, and I should just-
Chandler: Don’t go. I’ve scared you. I’ve said too much. I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!” Friends, Season Three, Episode 4: “The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel”

Ross: I knew it. I knew it. I always knew she liked him. She’d say no, but here we are. We just broke up, first thing she does.
Chandler: You didn’t “just break up.”
Ross: Hey, it’s been, like, three weeks.
Chandler: You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean, bullets have left guns slower.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 19: “The One with the Tiny T-Shirt”

Chandler: What do you say I go over there and tell her how much I like her? No, no, it’ll be good. I can tell her how much I’ve been thinking of her. That I haven’t stopped thinking about her since the moment we met. That I’m so fantastically over the top, want-to-slit-my-own-throat in love with her that for every minute of every hour of every day I can’t believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!
Joey: Well, that’s pretty good. But you might want to tone it down a little.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 5: “The One with Joey’s New Girlfriend”

Stripper: Look, I don’t need to steal a stupid ring. I make $1,600 a week doing what I do. Any of you guys make that?
Chandler: Marry me.” Friends, Season Four, Episode 22: “The One with the Worst Best Man Ever”

Chandler: [Monica is at the door wearing a turkey on her head] Look, Monica, this is not going to work.
Monica: I bet this will work. [she adds a hat and starts dancing]
Chandler: [laughing] You’re so great. I love you.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Nothing. I said you’re so great, and then I just stopped talking.
Monica: You said you loved me. I can’t believe this.
Chandler: No, I didn’t.
Monica: Yes, you did.
Chandler: No, I didn’t.
Monica: You love me.
Chandler: No, I don’t. Stop it, stop it, stop it.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 8: “The One with All the Thanksgivings”

Chandler: Okay, okay, okay. You win. I can’t have sex with you.
Phoebe: And why not?
Chandler: Because I’m in love with Monica.
Phoebe: You’re- You’re what?
Chandler: Love her. That’s right. I love her. I love her. I love you, Monica.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 14: “The One Where Everybody Finds Out”

Phoebe: I like him a lot, but I don’t think I’m ready for this.
Chandler: So, what are you gonna do?
Phoebe: I don’t know. I’ll just handle it. I’ll ask you to talk to him.
Chandler: Me? Why me?
Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of commitment. You talk to him. Make him scared like you, make him a man.
Chandler: I’ll try, but I’m not sure what good it’d do. Because I’m a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.
Monica: That is so sweet.
Chandler: [aside to Phoebe] Still terrified. I’ll take care of it. No problem.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 21: “The One with the Ball”

Monica: What did you say?
Chandler: You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight.
Monica: You serious?
Chandler: Yes. I love you. I’ve never loved anybody as much as I love you.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 24: “The One in Vegas (Part 2)”

Monica: So that marriage stuff you were saying yesterday? You don’t really believe that, do you?
Chandler: Sure, I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean, look at pigs. Let’s take a second here and look at pigs. Okay. Pigs don’t mate for life. I mean, a pig can have like 100 sexual partners in a lifetime. And that’s just an ordinary pig, not even a pig that’s good at sports.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 25: “The One with the Proposal (Part 2)”

Monica: Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling me you may never want to get married?
Chandler: Well, never say never, but, probably, yeah, never.
Monica: Oh, my God. Then what are we even doing? What is this?
Chandler: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is all this pressure? Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don’t you put down your copy of The Rules, huh, man-trap?” Friends, Season Six, Episode 25: “The One with the Proposal (Part 2)”

“I’ll do it. I thought- [sobs] Wait, I can do this. I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. And if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?” Friends, Season Six, Episode 25: “The One with the Proposal (Part 2)”

Chandler: Now, Monica, I know you’re upset, but don’t forget there is going to be a wedding. You are going to throw the bouquet, and then there’s going to be a honeymoon. Maybe in Paris.
Monica: Paris?
Chandler: We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la blah-blah-blah.
Monica: Keep talking.
Chandler: Then we will sprinkle rose petals on the bed and make love. Not just because it’s romantic, but because I can.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”

“Monica, I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle, I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way, it’s okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 24: “The One with Monica and Chandler’s Wedding (Part 2)”

“[talking to Monica] Please promise me that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together, and we will be with each other for the rest of our lives.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 11: “The One with Ross’s Step Forward”

“[talking about Monica] My wife’s an incredible woman. She is loving, and devoted and caring. And don’t tell her I said this, but the woman’s always right. I love my wife more than anything in this world.” Friends, Season 10, Episode 9: “The One with the Birth Mother”

Best Shouty Chandler Bing Lines

Like many of the Friends, Chandler did tend to get a bit loud when he was frustrated or angry, but often that was just as amusing as his jokes! These are our favorite lines where he is shouting.


“[Monica looks at Chandler who she found sleeping on her couch]
Chandler: Bah!
Monica: Argh!
Chandler: Why must everybody watch me sleep? There’ll be no more watching me sleep! No more watching!
Monica: I wasn’t-
Chandler: No!” Friends, Season 2, Episode 19: “The One Where Eddie Won’t Go”

Monica: I got it. Pretend you just woke up. That’ll throw her off. Be sleepy.
Rachel: Yes. And grumpy.
Chandler: What are you-? Stop naming dwarfs!” Friends, Season Three, Episode 4: “The One with Metaphorical Tunnel”

Joey: [after drilling through the wall and almost hitting Chandler] Oh, sorry. Did I get you?
Chandler: No, you didn’t “get” me! It’s an electric drill! You “get” me, you kill me!” Friends, Season Three, Episode 5: “The One with Frank Jr.”

Janice: Why are your eyes so wide?
Chandler: You tell me. Maybe it’s because I was just fooling around with my ex. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. That was you!” Friends, Season Three, Episode 8: “The One with the Giant Poking Device”

Chandler: I don’t really want to play.
Joey: You never do anything since you and Janice broke up.
Chandler: Not true. I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say I don’t have goals!” Friends, Season Three, Episode 9: “The One with the Football”

“The important thing is… the Dutch girl picked me! Me, not you. Holland loves Chandler. Thank you, Amsterdam. Good night!” Friends, Season Three, Episode 9: “The One with the Football”

Rachel: [yelling at Ross] And hey, just so you know. It’s not that common. It doesn’t happen to every guy. And it is a big deal! [slams the door]
Chandler: [emerging from behind the door] I knew it!” Friends, Season Four, Episode 1: “The One with the Jellyfish”

Chandler: What the hell happened. How were you locked in? Where the hell is all of our stuff?
Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and he said he didn’t think it was big enough to fit a grown man.
Chandler: So you got in voluntarily?
Joey: I was trying to make a sale! Oh man, if I ever run into that guy, you know what I’m going to do?
Chandler: Bend over?!” Friends, Season Four, Episode 2: “The One with the Cat”

Monica: Look, I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel any better this is all your fault.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Chanandler Bong. Come on, we steal that TV Guide every week.
Chandler: I knew it!” Friends, Season Four, Episode 12: “The One with the Embryos”

Rachel: Ross, I just don’t think it’s going to fit.
Ross: Yeah, it will. Come on. Up, up, up! Up! Yes. Here we go. Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot!
Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Friends, Season Five, Episode 16: “The One with the Cop”

Monica: It is not my fault your chairs are incredibly ugly.
Chandler: All right, that’s fine. That’s fine. I won’t bring over the chairs. I won’t bring anything. I wouldn’t want to ruin the ambiance over here at Grandma’s place!” Friends, Season Six, Episode 3: “The One with Ross’s Denial”

Chandler: [watching a birth video] Worst porn ever. Worst porn ever!
Woman: [on the videotape:] Oh, make it stop!
Chandler: I am trying!” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 15: “The One with the Birthing Video”

Ross: Oh, my God!
Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser?!
Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?!
Monica: You were my first kiss ever?!
Chandler: What did I marry into?!” Friends, Season 10, Episode 11: “The One Where the Stripper Cries”

Best Self-Deprecating Chandler Bing Quotes

Even though Chandler was sarcastic and mocked his friends, A LOT, he was also able to make jokes at his own expense. These are the best self-deprecating jokes he made throughout the series.


Shelly: Question: You’re not dating anyone are you? Because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.
Chandler: You see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said co-dependent or self-destructive…” Friends, Season One, Episode 8: “The One Where Nana Dies Twice”

Rachel: And just think, in a couple of years, we get to turn into them.
Monica: Oh, please.
Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I’ll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after 20-year-old boys, or I’ll end up like my mom.” Friends, Season One, Episode 13: “The One with the Boobies”

Ross: I think it’s perfect. It’s just going to be the two of us. She spent all day taking care of my monkey.
Chandler: I can’t remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.” Friends, Season One, Episode 19: “The One Where the Monkey Gets Away”

Phoebe: You know, if you want, you could call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps that means she didn’t get her messages yet.
Chandler: Doesn’t that make me seem a little-
Ross: Desperate? Needy? Pathetic?
Chandler: Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.” Friends, Season One, Episode 20: “The One with the Evil Orthodontist”

Monica: Why don’t you call her?
Chandler: I can’t call her. I left a message. I have some pride.
Monica: Do you?
Chandler: No.” Friends, Season One, Episode 20: “The One with the Evil Orthodontist”

Chandler: Tell me what?
Monica: Look at you. You won’t even look at him.
Chandler: Oh, come on. Tell me. I could use another reason why women won’t look at me.” Friends, Season One, Episode 22: “The One with the Ick Factor”

Rachel: All right. All right. Last night, I had a dream that you and I were doing it on this table.
Chandler: Wow.
Joey: Excellent dream score.
Ross: Why would you dream that?
Chandler: More importantly was I any good?
Rachel: Well, you were pretty damned good.
Chandler: Interesting. Because in my dreams, I’m surprisingly inadequate.” Friends, Season One, Episode 22: “The One with the Ick Factor”

Joey: You know how you always think you’re great in bed?
Chandler: The fact that you would even ask that question shows how little you know me.” Friends, Season 1, Episode 24: “The One Where Rachel Finds Out”

Joey: It just seems so futile. You know? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
Chandler: Well, now you understand how I feel every single day, okay. The world is my lesbian wedding.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 11: “The One with the Lesbian Wedding”

Joey: Really, Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Joey: By someone besides Monica?
Ross: No. So what? So what if we get beaten up. Maybe that’s just something a man has to go through once in his life. Like a rite of passage or something.
Chandler: Well, couldn’t we just lose our virginities again? You know, because I think actually mine’s growing back.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 21: “The One with the Bullies”

Joey: That’s it. I was still gonna let you have her. But now, prepare to feel very bad about yourself.
Chandler: Yeah, well. I’ve been preparing for that my entire life. Or something about you that’s mean.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 9: “The One with the Football”

Chandler: It’s a chicken.
Joey: It’s cute, huh?
Phoebe: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys? Do you know anything about chicks?
Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? …No.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 21: “The One with a Chick and a Duck”

Chandler: Okay, did you see that? With the inappropriate, and the pinching?
Monica: Actually, I did.
Chandler: So now do you believe that she’s attracted to me?
Monica: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She knows about us.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Monica: Phoebe knows, and she’s just trying to freak us out. That’s the only explanation for it.
Chandler: Okay, but what about, you know, my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps? [Chandler feels his arm] She knows!” Friends, Season Five, Episode 14: “The One Where Everybody Finds Out’

Monica: Chandler, it happens to lots of guys. You know, you are probably tired, you had a lot of champagne. Don’t worry about it.
Chandler: I’m not worried. I’m fascinated. You know? It’s like biology. Which is funny, because in high school I failed biology … and tonight biology failed me.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”

Rachel: Look, I am so, so happy for you guys. But you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I’m not. I’m not even close. And I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that that’s dumb, but, oh, my God, you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler.
Chandler: I don’t care, she slept with me.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”

Monica: Honey, you’ve gotta talk to her.
Joey: I can’t. Look, you guys don’t know what it’s like to put yourself out there like that and then just get shot down.
Chandler: I don’t know what that’s like? Until I was 25, I thought the only response to ‘I love you’ was ‘Oh, crap’.” Friends, Season Eight, Episode 17: “The One with the Tea Leaves”

Chandler: You really find this attractive on him?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Are you telling me you’re not even a little turned on by Monica right now?
Chandler: I think this is the first time in our marriage that I’ve felt like the more attractive one.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 24: “The One in Barbados (Part 2)”

Best Chandler Bing Jokes and Funny Lines

Look, Chandler had a lot of funny lines and jokes. In this section we have out all the best of Chandler Bing that don’t quite fit under any other headings, but should still be remembered!


Phoebe: [stopping singing] Excuse me? Excuse me? Yeah, noisy boys. Is it something you’d like to share with the entire group?
Max: No. No, that’s okay.
Phoebe: Well, come on, if it’s important enough while I’m playing then I assume it’s important enough for everyone else to hear.
Chandler: That guy’s going home with a note.” Friends, Season One, Episode 10: “The One with the Monkey”

Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
Chandler: We can? Okay, I’m trying that.” Friends, Season One, Episode 15: “The One with the East German Laundry Detergent”

Monica: He showed me where the restaurant’s gonna be. It’s this cute little place on tenth street. It’s not too big. It’s not too small. It’s just right.
Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blond woman and some bears?” Friends, Season One, Episode 15: “The One with the Stoned Guy”

Phoebe: I can’t believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you could watch TV with your feet up.
Chandler: No, they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.” Friends, Season Two, Episode 15: “The One Where Ross and Rachel… You Know”

Rachel: Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing. Joanna.
Joanna: Bing? That’s a great name.
Chandler: Thanks. It’s Gaelic for, ‘Thy turkey’s done’.” Friends, Season Three, Episode 20: “The One with the Dollhouse”

Joey: What’s wrong, buddy?
Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich.
Chandler: Well what did the police say?” Friends, Season Five, Episode 9: “The One with Ross’s Sandwich”

“Okay, look. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it anymore. So you win. Okay? Here. Pheebs, flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so you can get back to your home planet. And Ross, phone call for you today. Tom Jones. He wants his pants back. And Hornswoggle? What, are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?” Friends, Season Five, Episode 11: “The One with All the Resolutions”

Monica: You are so cute. How did you get to be so cute?
Chandler: Well, my grandfather was Swedish. And my grandmother was a tiny little bunny.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 14: “The One Where Everybody Finds Out”

Caitlin: Where’s the chicken?
Chandler: It’s in the back. The duck pissed him off. He said that eggs came first.” Friends, Season Five, Episode 19: “The One Where Ross Can’t Flirt”

Monica: What are you guys gonna do?
Rachel: Well, I guess we find a divorce lawyer.
Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross already has one. Now, this one’s free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so you get the third one for free.” Friends, Season Six, Episode 1: “The One After Vegas”

Rachel: Ross didn’t get the annulment. We are still married.
Monica: You are kidding?
Phoebe: Oh, my God!
Monica: Ross!
Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn’t my best decision, but I just couldn’t face another failed marriage.
Chandler: Let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?” Friends, Season Six, Episode 5: “The One with Joey’s Porsche”

Joey: Come on, am I 19 or what?
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 1: “The One with Monica’s Thunder”

Chandler: Okay, it’s-
Joey: Don’t do it!
Monica: Don’t do what?
Chandler: [to Joey] I have to. Okay? It’s time. [to everyone else] Okay, I hate dogs.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: That’s crazy? Why?
Joey: Told you.
Chandler: They are needy, they are jumpy, and you can’t tell what they are thinking and that scares me a little bit.” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 9: “The One Where Chandler Doesn’t Like Dogs”

Monica: [hearing bagpipes in the distance] What is that?
Chandler: I think it’s the Dying Cat Parade.
Monica: It sounds like it’s coming from across the street.
Chandler: Oh, my God.
Monica: What?
Chandler: You know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding? He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, “You’re half Scottish, right?”
Monica: No. There is no way. It cannot be Ross. Unbelievable. Why is your family Scottish?
Chandler: Why is your family Ross?” Friends, Season Seven, Episode 15: “The One with Joey’s New Brain”

Chandler: I’m sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman?
Ross: Hey, she didn’t look 50.
Chandler: Did she look 16?” Friends, Season Eight, Episode Nine: “The One with the Rumor”

“[talking to himself] Funniest guy she’s ever met. I’m funny, right? What do you know? You’re a door. You just like knock-knock jokes. [laughs at his own joke] Save it for inside.” Friends, Season Nine, Episode 6: “The One with the Male Nanny”

Did We Miss Any of Your Favorite Chandler Bing Quotes?

Let us know in the comments below!


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Kristy Brandt

Originally from Tasmania, Australia, Kristy was living in London when she unexpectedly met a Dutch bloke and ended up moving to the Netherlands to be with him. Now she can be found taking numerous photos of their four weird cats, eating lots of stroopwafels and blogging at Tassie Devil Abroad.

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