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Debuting on Netflix in 2019, the Umbrella Academy is a fun show based on a comic book series about a group of super-powered, yet dysfunctional, adoptive siblings.
While any story about superheroes attempting to prevent the apocalypse is popular these days, the Umbrella Academy was particularly loved for its odd-ball humor and the very complicated relationship the siblings have with each other, as well as their adoptive father.
With three seasons released so far, it stands to reason that there are plenty of excellent Umbrella Academy sayings to enjoy. We’ve rounded up all the best Umbrella Academy quotes in this post, so be warned that there are spoilers if you haven’t watched all three seasons yet!
The Most Iconic Umbrella Academy Quotes
With an ensemble cast, there are a lot of quotable lines in The Umbrella Academy. These are the ones we think are the most iconic and memorable.
“Five: The world ends in eight days. And I have no idea how to stop it.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 1: “We Only Ever See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals”
“Lance: You’re crazy.
Klaus: [chuckles] You got no idea.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 2: “Run Boy Run”
“Klaus: I’d like to apologize… that you… are depriving some village of their idiot!” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“Diego: All right, so what’s the plan?
Luther: Well, I think that, uh… We go to the Icarus Theater.
Diego: That’s a location, not a plan.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 10: “The White Violin”
“Five: What the hell did we do now?” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 1: “Right Back Where We Started”
“Diego: Vanya is the bomb. She will always be the bomb.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 8: “The Seven Stages”
“Ancient Five: All that will be left is… oblivion.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 4: “Kugelblitz”
“Five: Look, when I went to the Commission, I had a conversation with my 100-year-old self. And my last words were, “Don’t save the world.”
Viktor: “Don’t save the world”?
Five: Don’t save the world.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 8: “Wedding at the End of the World”
The Best Umbrella Academy Insulting Lines
One thing about siblings: they fight like cats and dogs! There are many very clever and insulting lines in the Umbrella Academy, usually when the siblings are tearing each other down (and Five is particularly fond of insulting everybody), but they’re not the only ones. Here are our favorite insults and rude or sarcastic quips.
“Vanya: Wait, how did you get back?
Five: In the end, I had to project my consciousness forward into a suspended quantum state version of myself that exists across every possible instance of time.
Diego: That makes no sense.
Five: Well, it would if you were smarter.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 1: “We Only Ever See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals”
“Diego: All right, I guess I’ll see you guys in, what, ten years? When Pogo dies?
Allison: Not if you die first.
Diego: Yeah, love you too, sis. Good luck on your next film. Hope it turns out better than your marriage, huh?” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 1: “We Only Ever See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals”
“Five: [to Klaus] What a disturbing glimpse into that thing you call a brain.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 2: “Run Boy Run”
“Five: [to Luther] I don’t think that I’m better than you, Number One. I know I am.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 3: “Extra Ordinary”
“Luther: Wanna tell me what you’re doing here?
Diego: Looking for Five.
Luther: Oh, let me guess, you’re gonna save the day.
Diego: It’s what I do. Asshole.
Luther: Really? Last I checked, you mop floors.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 4: “Man on the Moon”
“Diego: [to Luther] Get your ape hands off me!” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“Diego: You okay? Wow, this is a first. My brother Klaus is silent. Last time you were this quiet, we were 12. Ran down the stairs wearing Grace’s heels, tripped over, and broke your jaw. How long was it wired shut again?
Klaus: Eight weeks.
Diego: Eight glorious weeks of bliss.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“Diego: You got a big mouth, you know that?
Klaus: Oh, wow. What a truly shocking revelation, Diego.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“Klaus: [pulling Diego out of gunfire] Oh, man. See? You used to think I was an idiot…
Diego: I still think you’re an idiot.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“Diego: [to Klaus] Wow. You are one twisted bonehead.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 6: “The Day That Wasn’t”
“Diego: Is this about conjuring the one you lost? What was her name?
Klaus: His name was Dave. We soldiered together in the A Shau Valley… in the Mountain of the Crouching Beast.
Diego: Well, Dave must have been a very special person… to put up with all your weird-ass shit.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 6: “The Day That Wasn’t”
“Allison: Be careful, okay? We don’t know what Peabody’s capable of.
Diego: Yeah, he didn’t seem dangerous when I first saw him. Looked kinda scrawny.
Allison: Yeah, well, so are most serial killers and mass murderers. I mean, look at him. [gestures at Five]
Five: Thanks.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 7: “The Day That Was”
“Luther: Hey. Can you go any faster?
Five: [driving a car] Ask me again, and I’ll burn you with the cigarette lighter.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 8: “I Heard A Rumor”
“Klaus: I’m confused.
Five: Then listen to me, you idiot!” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 9: “The White Violin”
“Luther: [to Klaus] Is there any way to silence that voice in your head that screams out to be the center of attention?
Klaus: You know, I liked you a lot better before you got laid.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 10: “The White Violin”
“Woman in bowling alley: Excuse me! Excuse me, it’s my son Kenny’s birthday today, and… Uh… wouldn’t your son be happier playing with kids his own age? Assuming it’s okay with your two dads.
“Five: I would rather chew off my own foot.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 10: “The White Violin”
“Diego: If I was going to date a man, you’d be the last man I would date.
Klaus: You’d be lucky to get me.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 10: “The White Violin”
“Five: [to Diego] Listen to me very closely, you gibbering moron. You are not going to do a goddamn thing.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 1: “Right Back Where We Started”
“Diego: Okay, okay, I’ll help you.
Five: Thank God.
Diego: After I save Kennedy. And then you swing us back a few decades so I can slit Hitler’s throat off with a butter knife.
Five: This is why you don’t have any friends.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 1: “Right Back Where We Started”
“Klaus: Yeah, well, being smart doesn’t make you interesting.
Ghost Ben: Neither does your beard.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 1: “Right Back Where We Started”
“Five: [to Luther] Well, it finally happened. That gorilla DNA has taken over your mind.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 2: “The Frankel Footage”
“Elliott: Oh, who’s Diego?
Five: Imagine Batman, then aim lower.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 2: “The Frankel Footage”
“Diego: No, you don’t know anything about me.
Lila: I know everything about you. You, you are an open book written for very dumb children.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 2: “The Frankel Footage”
“Five: But right now, our priority is finding Dad and getting answers, ’cause everything else depends on it.
Diego: Which, for the record, I found him already.
Five: And then let him go before we could have a meaningful conversation.
Diego: He stabbed me.
Five: I’m surprised he waited this long, Diego. We’ve all had the urge.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 4: “The Majestic 12”
“Five: Cut the crap. All right? My dim-witted brother might buy your bullshit, but I don’t trust you for a second.
Lila: Oh ye of little faith.
Five: Stick it up your ass.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 4: “The Majestic 12”
“Diego: No, no, no, I don’t understand. They keep following me.
Luther: Wait, who?
Diego: Those Dutch sociopaths.
Five: They’re Swedish, you idiot.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 5: “Valhalla”
“Diego: [to Luther] You know, you are so goddamn big, sometimes I forget what a sensitive bastard you are.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 5: “Valhalla
“Lila: You’re better than I thought.
Five: And you are entirely average.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 5: “Valhalla”
“Ghost Ben: [to Klaus] Oh, this whole thing started because you’re a narcissist.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 6: “A Light Supper”
“Five: [to Diego] This is a matter of life and death, you imbecile.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 6: “A Light Supper”
“Allison: Maybe I should lead. We all know I’m a much better public speaker than the rest of you.
Diego: Okay, Daddy’s girl.
Allison: Oh, jealous, Number Two?” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 6: “A Light Supper”
“Reginald Hargreeves: What would possess me to adopt seven ill-mannered malcontents?” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 6: “A Light Supper”
“Reginald Hargreeves: [to Diego] You were recently hospitalized, isn’t that correct? You still appear to be suffering from delusions of grandeur and acute paranoia.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 6: “A Light Supper”
“Reginald Hargreeves: [to Diego] You fancy yourself a do-gooder? The last good man who will save us from our descent into corruption and conspiracy? This is a fantastic delusion. The sad reality is that you’re a desperate man, tragically unaware of his own insignificance, desperately clinging to his own ineffectual reasoning. More succinctly, a man in over his head.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 6: “A Light Supper”
“Diego: [to Lila] Oh, good. It’s you and your stupid face.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 7: “Oga for Oga”
“Klaus: Could you just moan a little softer? My head is killing me.
Five: Listen to me, you useless puke bag, we just blew our chance to save the world!” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 7: “Oga for Oga”
“Ghost Ben: Hey, so, what was it like when I possessed you?
Klaus: It was like sex with one of the lesser Baldwins. I mean, you can feel him clattering around in there, but do you really care?” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 8: “The Seven Stages”
“Klaus: Vanya would understand ’cause she has realistic expectations of what I am. And what I am is sexy trash.
Diego: You’re a big pussy, that’s what you are.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 9: “743”
“Five: Okay, Luther, listen. I know your feeble mind only responds to age and authority, so listen very closely. Yet again, you are experiencing daddy issues, this time with your own brother, which honestly is making me a bit crazy.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 9: “743”
“The Handler: [to Lila] Darling, I’m gonna need you to be a titch more clever about this. That clown school that Five calls “Umbrella Academy,” it may be full of assholes, but it’s not full of fools.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 9: “743”
“Five: [to Diego] They headhunted you? The village idiot?” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 10: “The End of Something”
“Reginald Hargreeves: They call themselves the Umbrella Academy, a group of scheming perfidious malcontents who accosted me in the fall of 1963 when I was away on business in Dallas. Be warned, they claim to be my spawn.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 1: “Meet The Family”
“Marcus: [beating up Luther] See? Bigger isn’t always better.
Luther: Oh yeah, is that what you tell your girlfriends?” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 1: “Meet The Family”
“Vanya: But I don’t think you’re better than me, Marcus. I ended the world twice. And you? You’re just meat in spandex.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 1: “Meet The Family”
“Diego: [to Five] So spit it out, Boomer!” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 1: “Meet The Family”
“Five: The hell are you doing in here?
Lila: [in a bubble bath] Shaving my nest, you little perv.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 3: “Pocket Full of Lightning”
“Lila: [to Five, after fighting] All right, enough. I’d forgotten how much I hate you, you puny little turd.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 3: “Pocket Full of Lightning”
“Jayme: [to Sparrow Ben] Suck it, squid boy!” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 6: “Marigold”
“Reginald Hargreeves: [to Klaus] You are marvellously deranged.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 6: “Marigold”
“Allison: [to Luther in a Sparrow Academy outfit] Nice uniform, by the way. You look like an un-popped zit.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 7: “Auf Wiedersehen”
“Lila: Hey, look, Diego might be 90% moron and 10% pelvic thrusts, but he’s right about Oblivion, okay?” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 7: “Auf Wiedersehen”
“Reginald Hargreeves: Didn’t we take any family trips in your timeline?
Klaus: With our dad? Hell no. That guy put the “dick” in dictator.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 7: “Auf Wiedersehen”
“Reginald Hargreeves: [to Klaus] Near-immortality is an unbelievable gift. Yet, you come back to life at unpredictable intervals outside of your control, with the reflexes of a wet noodle. Thoroughly unable to defend yourself or your team. Somehow, you’ve turned an asset into your liability.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 7: “Auf Wiedersehen”
“Reginald Hargreeves: A man is not a man until he slays the demons of his youth.
Klaus: Oh yeah. Good one, Obi-Wang, but my demons are literal.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 7: “Auf Wiedersehen”
“Diego: We go with the large hard-on particle accelerator. You guys do some science, and… [clicks tongue] …we launch the Kugelblitz into outer space. Didn’t think I knew that, did ya? It’s in Switzerland.
Sparrow Ben: It’s “hadron”, not “hard-on”, ya moron!
Lila: Oi! At least he’s trying, you shitty little squid.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 8: “Wedding at the End of the World”
“Sparrow Ben: Why don’t you like me?
Klaus: Because you’re a huge puckering asshole.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 8: “Wedding at the End of the World”
The Most Profound and Wise Umbrella Academy Quotes
When you’re dealing with ideas about time travel, the end of the world and other important concepts, there are going to be wise words spoken. These are the best wise, profound or even inspiring quotes from the Umbrella Academy.
“Reginald Hargreeves: The ties that bind you together, make you stronger than you are alone.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 1: “We Only Ever See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals”
“Hazel: Sometimes there’s beauty in the mundane, you know.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 3: “Extra Ordinary”
“Five: That’s insane. The end of everything?
The Handler: Not everything. Just the end of… something.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“Five: Time changes everything.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“Hazel: Secret of life, huh? Keep things simple. We just complicate everything.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“Hazel: Life is short. Future doesn’t come with any guarantees. You want somethin’ in life, you gotta go for it.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“The Handler: What’s meant to be is meant to be.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“The Handler: War. Such a fascinating concept. A temporary salve for a permanent human flaw.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 6: “The Day That Wasn’t”
“Five: Who cares if Dad messed us up? Are we gonna let that define us?” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 6: “The Day That Wasn’t”
“Reginald Hargreeves: A little word of advice, my boy. Not everyone in this world can be powerful. Chasing something unattainable is a recipe for a lifetime of disappointment and resentment.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 7: “The Day That Was”
“Five: We didn’t choose this life, we’re just living it.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 7: “The Day That Was”
“Diego: No, everyone changes the world, Luther. Everyone. And it’s scary, but that’s kinda the deal.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 5: “Valhalla”
“The Handler: Jazz is like a beautiful woman. Complex, emotional, hard to please. She doesn’t just give it to you, she makes you work for it.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 6: “A Light Supper”
“Reginald Hargreeves: Man’s greatest flaw: the illusion of control.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 6: “A Light Supper”
“Reginald Hargreeves: So much can change in a matter of seconds. One could overthrow an empire. One could fall in love. An acorn doesn’t become an oak overnight.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 6: “A Light Supper”
“Five: You know, some say the best luck is to die at the right time.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 7: “Oga for Oga”
“Five: No one is insignificant.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 7: “Oga for Oga”
“The Handler: Darling, blood is thicker than water, but you can drown in either, Lila.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 9: “743”
“Viktor: But we tried to make peace. Okay, and then the step-siblings from hell attacked, kidnapped you, and they tried to kill us. I mean, come on. We can’t trust them. Working together would be like trying to defuse a bomb by pouring gas on it. It’s only gonna make things burn down faster.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 5: “Kindest Cut”
“Sparrow Pogo: Just because something is right in front of you does not mean… it is within reach. There is always something in the way. Sometimes it is your opponent. Sometimes it is yourself.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 6: “Marigold”
“Reginald Hargreeves: Remember, children. We never know what we’re truly capable of until we’re forced to confront our own extinction.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 6: “Marigold”
“Reginald Hargreeves: We can’t change the past, but we can confront it.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 7: “Auf Wiedersehen”
“Allison: People don’t want apologies. They want confessions. They want you to stand there and list all the shitty ways that you’ve hurt them so they know you understand.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 7: “Auf Wiedersehen”
“Luther: You know, when you think about it, we are just tiny specks of sand in a desert full of other sand.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 10: “Oblivion”
Funniest Umbrella Academy Quotes
One of the main reasons the Umbrella Academy is so popular is because it’s quite hilarious at times, often in very weird ways. These are the best Umbrella Academy funny quotes, and there are a lot of them, so of course, this is the largest section in this whole post!
“Diego: Where’d you go?
Five: The future. It’s shit, by the way.
Klaus: Called it!” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 1: “We Only Ever See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals”
“Klaus: I can’t just call Dad in the afterlife and be like, ‘Dad, could you just stop playing tennis with Hitler for a moment and take a quick call?'” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 1: “We Only Ever See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals”
“Five: An entire square block. Forty-two bedrooms, 19 bathrooms, but not a single drop of coffee.
Allison: Dad hated caffeine.
Klaus: Well, he hated children, too, and he had plenty of us.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 1: “We Only Ever See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals”
“Five: I’m taking the car.
Klaus: Where are you going?
Five: To get a decent cup of coffee.
Allison: Do you even know how to drive?
Five: I know how to do everything. [he leaves]
Klaus: I feel like we should try and stop him, but then again, I also just kinda want to see what happens.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 1: “We Only Ever See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals”
“Vanya: [walking into her apartment and seeing Five] Jesus!
Five: You should have locks on your windows.
Vanya: I live on the second floor.
Five: Rapists can climb.
Vanya: You are so weird.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 1: “We Only Ever See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals”
“Klaus: No idea. Sorry.
Ghost Ben: Liar.
Klaus: Drop dead.
Ghost Ben: Low blow.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 2: “Run Boy Run”
“Klaus: Now, here’s what’s gonna happen, Grant.
Lance: It’s Lance.
Klaus: In about 60 seconds, two security guards are gonna burst through that door, and they’re gonna see a whole lot of blood, and they’re gonna wonder, ‘what the hell happened?’ and we’re gonna tell them that you… beat the shit out of us. You’re gonna do great in prison, Grant. Trust me, I’ve been there. Little piece of chicken like you. Oh, my god, you’re gonna get passed around like a… You’re just.. You’re gonna do great. That’s all I’m saying.
Lance: Jesus, you are a real sick bastard.
Klaus: Thank you.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 2: “Run Boy Run”
“Five: The apocalypse is coming and all you can think about is getting high?
Klaus: Well, I’m also quite hungry. Tummy’s a-rumbling. Grrr.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 2: “Run Boy Run”
“Five: I’d ask what you’re up to, Klaus, but then it occurred to me… I don’t care.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 3: “Extra Ordinary”
“Klaus: Did I ever tell you guys about the time I waxed my ass with chocolate pudding? [laughs] It was so painful.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 3: “Extra Ordinary”
“Allison: [about Hazel and Cha-Cha] Who the hell are these guys?
Cha-Cha: [about Allison, Diego and Luther] Who the hell are these people?” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 3: “Extra Ordinary”
“Diego: You wanna rumor this psycho?
Allison: I don’t need to because this bitch just pissed me off.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 3: “Extra Ordinary”
“Detective Patch: Tell me what’s going on. Who did this?
Diego: Let’s just say I didn’t get a good look at their faces.
Detective Patch: You went after the guys in the masks, didn’t you?
Diego: I didn’t go after them. And one’s a woman… by the way, so stop being so sexist.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 4: “Man on the Moon”
“Allison: Look, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but sometimes men are unredeemable shits.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 4: “Man on the Moon”
“Luther: [to a drunk Five he’s carrying] If you vomit on me…
Five: You know what’s funny? Aah! I’m going through puberty. Huh. Twice.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 4: “Man on the Moon”
“Cha-Cha: Damn it, Hazel.
Hazel: I know. If we don’t get that case back soon, we’re screwed.
Cha-Cha: We wouldn’t be if you just stuck to protocol and carried the briefcase with you.
Hazel: Well, maybe if you carried it once in a while, we wouldn’t have this problem to begin with. My physical therapist isn’t even covered by insurance. You don’t hear me complaining!
Cha-Cha: Oh, so this is you suffering in silence.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“Diego: I told you to wait in the car.
Klaus: Yeah, but you also told me that licking a nine-volt battery would give me pubes.
Diego: We were eight.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“Allison: You wanna get outta here?
Luther: Yeah. I think I could squeeze you in.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 6: “The Day That Wasn’t”
“Diego: How are you… walking around?
Grace: One foot in front of the other. Why? How do you do it?” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 6: “The Day That Wasn’t”
“Allison: All right. Let’s get this bastard.
Diego: You had me at Gerald Jenkins.
Five: Harold Jenkins.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 7: “The Day That Was”
“Diego: So what does this guy want with Vanya?
Five: I don’t know. How about we ask him after we kill him?” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 7: “The Day That Was”
“Allison: [after Diego crashes through a door’s window] Subtle.
Five: You know, the door was unlocked.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 7: “The Day That Was”
“Luther: [after Klaus throws away an ecstasy pill] Why’d you do that?
Klaus: I have no idea!” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 7: “The Day That Was”
“Diego: [referring to the police] They’re here for me. Uh… They think I did something.
Allison: What do they think you did?
Diego: Murder.
Allison: Did you?
Diego: No, no, no, of course not, okay? Why would you ask that about me, anyway?
Allison: I mean, you do carry knives with you everywhere.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 7: “The Day That Was”
“Five: Hey. Get up. We’re going.
Klaus: Where?
Five: To save the world.
Klaus: Oh, is that all? Great.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 8: “I Heard A Rumor”
“Five: Truth is, our whole lives, he’s been telling us we’d save the world from an impending apocalypse.
Klaus: Yeah, but I always thought he just said that to scare us into doing the dishes.
Five: Me too!” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 8: “I Heard A Rumor”
“Klaus: [to Luther in a pub] Trying a little hair of the dog, are we? Hm?
Luther: Leave me alone.
Diego: Give us a minute:
Klaus: Okay. Come on. [to Five] Maybe they’ll brood each other to death.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 8: “I Heard A Rumor”
“Diego: Well, we got a hold of Harold Jenkins’ police file. Turns out Vanya’s boyfriend is a convicted murderer. Who would’ve saw that one coming? A little hard to trust anyone who wears corduroy.
Luther: Wait, so… where’s Allison now?
Diego: She decided to go after Harold Jenkins. Alone.
Luther: You should have led with that! Jesus Christ! [rushing off]” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 8: “I Heard A Rumor”
“Hazel: I mean, think about it like this. If you never time traveled, you never got caught up with the Handler, what would have happened?
Five: I guess I would have grown up to be an emotionally stunted man-child like everybody else around here.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 9: “Changes”
“Diego: [about masked gunmen attacking them] Who the hell are these guys?
Klaus: Maybe they’re here for Kenny’s birthday!” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 10: “The White Violin”
“Five: I think I have a way outta here. But you gotta trust me on this.
Luther: Yeah, I don’t think so.
Diego: No.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 10: “The White Violin”
“Klaus: Oh, they’re gone. They’re gone, like a fart in the wind. Poof.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 1: “Right Back Where We Started”
“Diego: I’m a grown-ass man, Dr. Moncton–
Dr. Moncton: Who still defines himself in opposition to his father. His dead father. That isn’t really defining yourself, is it, Diego?
Diego: Yeah, why don’t you tell that to Luke Skywalker? I know you don’t get it, but that is an excellent reference.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 1: “Right Back Where We Started”
“Klaus: If you keep undressing me with your eyes, I’m gonna catch cold.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 1: “Right Back Where We Started”
“Five: Wonder if it’s too late to be un-adopted.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 4: “The Majestic 12”
“Allison: Have you, um, heard from any of the others? Vanya?
Luther: Uh, on a farm. And happy.
Allison: Right. Weird. Uh, Diego?
Luther: Nuthouse. Klaus?
Allison: Cult leader.
Luther: Eh. [They laugh] And, uh, Five turned up a few days ago. So, that’s it, the gang’s all here.
Allison: Well, great. Well, that’s usually when things go sideways, so…” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 4: “The Majestic 12”
“Luther: How you feeling?
Vanya: Pretty shitty, to be honest.
Diego: Where would you say you are on a scale from one to… ending all life on this planet?
Vanya: Really?
Luther: Diego, put the knife away, you idiot. She’s fine.
Diego: The last time I saw this one, she had me suspended mid-air, sucking the life out of me with energy tentacles. I think I’m allowed a little time to process.
Elliott: Oh, I would love to see an energy tentacle.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 5: “Valhalla”
“Five: All right. First off, I wanna say I’m sorry. I know I really screwed the pooch on this whole going-back-in-time-and-getting-stuck thing. But the real kick in the pants here is we brought the end of the world back here with us.
Klaus: Oh, my God, again? [all the others look at him like duh] All of you knew? Why am I always the last one to find out about the end of the– Oh, my God. My cult is gonna be so pissed. Five! I told them we had until 2019!
Five: We have until Monday. We have six days.
Klaus: Is it Vanya?
Allison: Klaus!
Klaus: What? It’s usually Vanya.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 5: “Valhalla”
“Vanya: None of us are supposed to be here, right? I mean, what if it’s us? Has anyone here done anything to screw up the timeline?
[there’s a long pause]
Luther: Diego’s been stalking Lee Harvey Oswald.
Diego: And you’re working for Jack Ruby.
Klaus: Allison has been very involved in local politics.
Allison: Okay, you started a cult” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 5: “Valhalla”
“Five: Allison can rumor anyone to do anything.
Diego: Except she never uses it.
Allison: I heard a rumor you punched yourself in the face.
Diego: [Punches himself in the face] Aah! Gah! Damn it!” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 6: “A Light Supper”
“Vanya: It’s fine. I can handle it.
Allison: Handle it? Last time you handled it, you definitely blew up the moon.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 6: “A Light Supper”
“Klaus: If you don’t make it back, there’s one thing that I need to tell you.
Diego: Klaus, I don’t have time for this.
Klaus: Please.
Diego: What?
Klaus: You look like Antonio Banderas with the long hair. I just thought you should know.
Diego: Thanks, man.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 9: “743”
“Diego: [during a ‘dance-off’] Oh, shit! We’re really good at this!” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 1: “Meet The Family”
“Five: You’re alive. That’s… great. Or possibly horrible. I’m not really sure yet.
Sparrow Ben: Okay, is that some kind of weird smack talk?
Five: It’s more of an existential problem, really, Ben.
Sparrow Ben: Awesome. Well, here’s your next problem. [uses his tentacle power]
Five: You know, even though you’re a total asshat now… [dodging attacks and then punching Ben] …it’s nice to see you again, really.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 1: “Meet The Family”
“Allison: You all right?
Luther: I don’t know yet. I’ve just never had my ass handed to me like that before. It’s like… Here you go. It’s your ass.
Allison: Okay, I think Luther’s concussed.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 1: “Meet The Family”
“Five: Okay, yes, technically, if you’re near your doppel for long, you’ll go insane. So, if you ever see your other self–
Diego: Kill them.
Klaus: Sleep with them.
Five: Avoid them.
Luther: [to Diego and Klaus] What the hell is wrong with you?
Klaus: Oh come on, as if you wouldn’t climb Luther Mountain.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 1: “Meet The Family”
“Grace: Marcus isn’t coming back. God took him.
Fei: God?
Grace: Yes, God is in the basement, and he called Marcus home.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 3: “Pocket Full of Lightning”
“Diego: You just wanna throw a party.
Luther: Why do you hate tiny sandwiches?” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 3: “Pocket Full of Lightning”
“Diego: Are you insane?!
Lila: Uhh, we met in an asylum.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 6: “Marigold”
“Klaus: What I’m saying is, you were a terrible father.
Reginald Hargreeves: Yes. Picked that up. Thank you.
Klaus: Good.
Reginald Hargreeves: High time I made it up to you. Starting now.
Klaus: [laughs] You just murdered me and stuffed me in the trunk of your car. I have notes, Dad.
Reginald Hargreeves: Let’s not quibble over details.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 7: “Auf Wiedersehen”
“Klaus: But just so you know, I have the hand-eye coordination of a drunk kitten.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 7: “Auf Wiedersehen”
“Luther: We’ve, uh, got a little announcement to make.
Luther and Sloane: We’re engaged!
Sparrow Ben: [quietly] Kill me, Jesus.
Five: [sighs] Idiots.
Allison: Now?” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 8: “Wedding at the End of the World”
“Klaus: Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here today for a good time, not a long time, so let’s have a good time, huh? ‘Cause the sun can’t shine every day. Can I get an amen?
Luther and Sloane: Amen!
Five: Amen.
Klaus: Luther, do you be taking this banging hottie to be your lady?
Luther: I do.
Klaus: Sloane, do you promise to love and cherish this big hairy bastard for the next 24 to 48 hours?
Five: Give or take a day. [Klaus shushes him]
Sloane: I’m gonna try.
Klaus: Well, then… [trying not to cry] I’m sorry. I pronounce you married as shit! Viva la apocalypse!” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 8: “Wedding at the End of the World”
“Five: [during the first dance] This is officially worse than the apocalypse.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 8: “Wedding at the End of the World”
“Luther: Oh my God. Dad killed me.
Klaus: Oh my God! He killed me too! A lot.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 10: “Oblivion”
“Diego: Does no one listen to me?
Lila: No, sweetie, we don’t.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 10: “Oblivion”
Saddest Umbrella Academy Lines
Even though they’re superheroes, the Umbrella Academy siblings don’t always have the most wonderful life. These are the saddest lines that show how difficult many parts of their lives have been.
“Diego: [about Sir Reginald Hargreeves] He was a monster. He was a bad person and a worse father. The world’s better off without him.
Allison: Diego.
Diego: My name is Number Two. You know why? Because our father couldn’t be bothered to give us actual names. He had mom do it.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 1: “We Only Ever See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals”
“Vanya: You never know when to stop, do you?
Diego: You got enough material for your sequel yet?
Vanya: He was my father too.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 1: “We Only Ever See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals”
“Hazel: [about the motel room] Smells like cat piss. First, they cut our per diem, and then our dental, and… now we don’t even get our own rooms. Where does it end?
Cha-Cha: When we retire… or die. Whatever comes first. But at least we’re not stuck in some cubicle.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 2: “Run Boy Run”
“Klaus: Pogo, I didn’t mean you, I just… I… You know, there’s been a lot of stuff I’ve been dealing with. Just a lot of memories coming up. All those good times. Well, not so much good times as really awful, terrible, depressing times.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 2: “Run Boy Run”
“Vanya: [reading from her book] In the end, after our brother Ben had died, there was really nothing connecting us. We were just strangers living under the same roof… destined to be alone… starved for attention… damaged by our upbringing… and haunted by what might have been. We all wanted to be loved by a man incapable of giving love. Our father never missed an opportunity to remind me that I was ordinary. A hard thing for a little girl to hear. If you’re raised to believe nothing about you is special, if the benchmark is extraordinary, what do you do if you’re not?” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 3: “Extra Ordinary”
“Ghost Ben: You know what the worst part of being dead is? You’re stuck. Nowhere to go. Nowhere to change. That’s the real torture, if you gotta know. Watching your brother take for granted everything you lost and pissing it all away.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 4: “Man on the Moon”
“Five: I think it was all those years alone. Solitude can do funny things to the mind.
Luther: Yeah, well, you were gone for such a long time. I only spent four years on the moon, but that was more than enough. It’s the being alone that breaks you.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“Luther: I found Dad’s research from my mission on the moon. Every single package was still sealed.
Allison: Why would he-
Luther: He never opened them because he never actually cared what I was doing up there. Four years of my life. A lie.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 6: “The Day That Wasn’t”
“Luther: [crying] You know, Diego was right. Dad sent me up to the moon… because he couldn’t stand the sight of this. Of what… Of what he did to me. Of what I’ve become.
Klaus: No, no, no. That’s… That’s not… It… Damn it, Dad was such an asshole right to the end.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 7: “The Day That Was”
“Luther: Look, I did my time. All right? Four years up there, watching and waiting because he said the world needed me. Four years of nothing but soy paste and processed air because I was naïve enough to believe that dads don’t lie to their kids. But guess what? The joke’s on me.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 8: “I Heard A Rumor”
“Diego: If only Sir Reginald could see us right now, huh? The Umbrella Academy. A total failure.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 10: “The White Violin”
“Luther: Hit me. I wanna feel pain. I wanna feel all the pain.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 3: “The Swedish Job”
“Diego: Do you know how hard it is to trust people when your whole childhood was bullshit manipulation?” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 7: “Oga for Oga”
“Vanya: I don’t deserve to live. I killed Pogo. I almost killed Allison. I destroyed the world. I’m a monster.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 9: “743”
“Allison: I knew something could go wrong if we came back. I knew it, and I risked it anyway. I left Ray to be with Claire, and now… Now it’s like she never existed. And I don’t even have a picture of her.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 2: “World’s Biggest Ball of Twine”
“Allison: [about her time in 60s Dallas] I’ve never felt so hopeless in my life. Even after my voice came back, I knew the cost of standing up and speaking out. Living every day under constant threat that you or someone you loved would disappear or… fall victim to some heinous crime. And there’s nothing you can do about it.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 4: “Kugelblitz”
Best Umbrella Academy Quotes About Family and Love
Family and love are two of the most important themes throughout the Umbrella Academy, even if the siblings do insult each other a lot! These are the most memorable lines about love and the importance of family from the series.
“Five: You think I didn’t try everything to get back to my family?” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 2: “Run Boy Run”
“Vanya: [to Five] I haven’t seen you in a long time, and I don’t want to lose you again.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 2: “Run Boy Run”
“Allison: You don’t have a child. You’ve never even been in a relationship.
Vanya: That’s not true.
Allison: So you know what it’s like to love someone like this? Like when you’re apart from her, you can’t breathe? Like you would… you would die, and I… I mean actually… die… to know that she’s okay and happy.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 2: “Run Boy Run”
“Pogo: Actually, it was Miss Vanya. She called to make sure you were okay.
Allison: Yeah, I, um… I said some pretty unkind things to her.
Pogo: She’s your sister. She knows you didn’t mean it.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 2: “Run Boy Run”
“Klaus: Maybe I just want to hang out with my brother. [To ghost Ben] Not you. [calling out after a leaving Five] Mi hermano. I love you. Even if you can’t love yourself.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 3: “Extra Ordinary”
“Vanya: Yay, sisters?
Allison: [chuckles] Yay, sisters.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 4: “Man on the Moon”
“Diego: Don’t tell me everything is all right, because I saw you in there. You were crying like a baby!
Klaus: Because I lost someone! [sighs] I lost someone. The only… The only person I’ve ever truly loved more than myself.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 5: “Number Five”
“Klaus: [about Luther] You know what? This is probably a good thing. The big guy needs a life, and tonight he’s out experiencing the real world!
Ghost Ben: He’s not ready for it.
Klaus: Well, who is? Was I? Were you? I… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know you weren’t ready to die violently at a young age. Oh, sobriety isn’t easy. What? Why are you looking at me like that? It’s not my responsibility. I… I didn’t sign up to save you or him.
Ghost Ben: You’re right. You didn’t. But if you were in trouble, there is nothing in this world Luther wouldn’t do to save your scrawny little junkie ass.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 7: “The Day That Was”
“Diego: Luther was right.
Allison: I didn’t think I would ever hear you say those words.
Diego: Yeah, well… we gotta stick together.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 7: “The Day That Was”
“Allison: [to Vanya] Look, um… I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to hear this.. how you feel right now, but I… I love you, and I… I just… I wanna be here for you, as your sister.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 8: “I Heard A Rumor”
“Luther: [to Allison] When I woke up, I was angry. I was angry that you were gone, that you’d moved on with your life. And I was still stuck here, alone with Dad in this shitty old house. But I was wrong, because I pushed everyone away, and… that’s including the one person I love with all my heart.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 9: “Changes”
“Luther: [on the phone to Claire but also speaking to Allison] Uh, your mom says… She says… I miss you. I miss you every day that I’m not with you. I know that I let you down… but I would do anything for you. You make me wanna wake up each day. And you’re in my dreams every night. You’re the most important person in the world to me.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 10: “The White Violin”
“Luther: At least we’re together at the end. As a family.” The Umbrella Academy, Season One, Episode 10: “The White Violin”
“Allison: I’ve got a blender and some much better booze. So, if we’re gonna start day drinking, we should do it right.
Klaus: I love you so much!” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 5: “Valhalla”
“Klaus: I mean, who in this room knows shit about relationships? This one? In secret love with some farm Frau.
Vanya: Her name’s Sissy.
Klaus: Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer.
Vanya: What?
Klaus: And meanwhile, I’m carrying a torch… for a soldier I haven’t technically met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister.
Allison: Okay, again, we are not biological.
Klaus: Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin. The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love… is how to screw it up.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 5: “Valhalla”
“Luther: But we have to risk everything to save everything. I mean, that’s our best trait as a family, right?
Allison: What? Recklessness?
Luther: Hope.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 7: “Oga for Oga”
“Ghost Ben: [to Vanya] Dad couldn’t handle your anger. That doesn’t mean you can’t. And maybe you have a right to be pissed off and sad and messed up, but it’s a shitty world full of shitty people sometimes. You aren’t a monster. You’re my sister. And right now our siblings are risking everything out there trying to save you. You aren’t alone at the table anymore, Vanya. You can do this.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 9: “743”
“Diego: [to Lila] That’s why you dragged me to the Commission. Because I know what it’s like to love dangerous people. Difference is… [looks around at his siblings] they love me back.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 10: “The End of Something”
“Diego: [to Lila] I know that we can be your family. If you just let us.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 10: “The End of Something”
“The Handler: Darling, I need to know that we can get past this, be a happy family again. Hm?
Lila: They’re my real family.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 10: “The End of Something”
“Luther: I almost had her. Why the hell did you stop me?
Diego: Because… I love her.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Two, Episode 10: “The End of Something”
“Five: [talking about Stan] Wait, who’s… who’s the mother?
Diego: Lila.
Klaus: Excuse me?
Five: Whoa, Lila’s here?
Diego: Was. She dropped him off in my lap last night then bolted.
Klaus: I don’t much care for that one.
Diego: Don’t.
Five: Technically, she’s family.
Klaus: She was trying to murder us, like, yesterday.
Five: Yeah, like I said, family.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 2: “World’s Biggest Ball of Twine”
“Allison: Thank you for trusting me with this. You’re family, Viktor. Okay? And there’s nothing… nothing that would make me love you less.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 2: “World’s Biggest Ball of Twine”
“Five: Why now?
Klaus: Well duh. Dad disowns us. Grace isn’t Grace. Ben’s… gone. Now just felt like as good a time as any to find out who I could’ve been if I didn’t grow up in this stupid family.
Five: Well, can you really call what we had a family?
Klaus: No. It’s more like a–
Five: Institute for snarky delinquents. [Klaus laughs] And you know, not a good one at that.
Klaus: But what is family? What is it? It’s like some kind of giant… ball of twine that can never be untangled.
Five: A giant ball of obligation I’ve been pushing uphill my entire life.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 2: “World’s Biggest Ball of Twine”
“Klaus: Hey, I’m glad you came along. You’re a good brother. [pause] All right, all right. You say nice things about me now.
Five: Let’s go find your stupid mother.
Klaus: Love you too, tiny dancer!” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 2: “World’s Biggest Ball of Twine”
“Allison: [to Viktor] I don’t give a shit about them. I’ve got you. No one’s gonna win a fight against me and my tiny badass brother.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 3: “Pocket Full of Lightning”
“Viktor: Hey, what’s up?
Diego: Luther wants to throw you a big, stupid party so you feel loved.
Viktor: Oh.
Diego: Do you feel loved?
Viktor: Yeah, I… I do.
Diego: Good. You are. Can we all get back to saving the world now?” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 3: “Pocket Full of Lightning”
“Luther: Sloane, you need to know something about me. I don’t really have any friends. Or… romances. I just have my family and I would do anything to protect them except betray you because that’s not who I wanna be. So, if you’re playing me right now, you win. But if this… if this is for real, we have to trust each other because we’re not our families.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 4: “Kugelblitz”
“Viktor: Family. What does that even mean?
Reginald Hargreeves: Family are the only people who know us whilst we endure our most epic trials.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 9: “Seven Bells”
“Allison: We have to go into this together. Viktor. A family.
Viktor: You can’t just keep throwing the word “family” around. It isn’t enough.” The Umbrella Academy, Season Three, Episode 9: “Seven Bells”
Did We Miss Any of Your Favorite Umbrella Academy Quotes?
Let us know in the comments below!
